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Contact - 9/9/2007 6:36:22 PM

kuriosity

Posts: 7
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

I am new to both collarme and the wide world of BDSM. I'm not sure if this is in the right forum or not but here goes. A few days ago Sir laid out a few things that he wanted me to do...namely being the one responsible for contacting him and once in contact to beg to spend time with him. A part of me (the one taught not to invite yourself places since childhood) is having a hard time going from well mannered to begging to be allowed to see Sir. Also, by always being the one to initiate contact i've stared feeling a little stalkerish. It's my first D/s relationship and I am used to both being contacted and initiating contact with the man in my life.

I know thie first step is to discuss this with Sir and I will once he is home from a business trip. I just feel better having this conversation face to face rather than via e-mail since he is out of the country.

In the meantime, have any other subs had trouble with this? If so, how did you overcome it? Any Doms have this point of view and care to shed some light?

Post #: 1

RE: Contact - 9/9/2007 6:48:47 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Most subs and slaves have had difficulty with changing their habits in some way. That's why they call it training. You are being trained towards a new behavior pattern/perspective of relationships.

Does this mean he will NEVER call you and NEVER talk to you and NEVER come visit unless you beg for it first?

A sense in me is tickling that this is a manipulation game to keep you on the hook more than to form solid bonds...BUT it might just be a training technique to get you out of your sub = passive mindset and get you more active in your submission and taking responsibility.

New habits take time to form, give it the time it needs.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to kuriosity)

Post #: 2

RE: Contact - 9/9/2007 6:58:34 PM

TotalState

Posts: 278
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline

Since you are new, I think it is prudent to ask if you negotiated at all the terms of your submission? What he is doing could easily be, as Lucky Albatross said, both manipulation and legitimate training. And yes, you should be discussing this with him.

I have personally given my sub both tasks that she enjoyed and disliked, but not before negotiating the extent how far either could go (sometimes even in detail). Talking is good. Everyone should do more of it.

_____________________________

Spanking with a smile, living with feeling.

(in reply to kuriosity)

Post #: 3

RE: Contact - 9/9/2007 7:03:59 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

Well, to me it sounds like a guy who desperately needs to be needed..."Okay lil' subbie, here's the deal....You call me and beg me to spend time with you." It really sounds kind of pathetic when you say it out loud....lol.

_____________________________

(in reply to TotalState)

Post #: 4

RE: Contact - 9/9/2007 7:09:19 PM

ThinkingKitten

Posts: 447
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: Ontari-ari-o
Status: offline

I see many ways this could be interpreted... as LA said, he's trying to get you out of your current mindset/comfort zone .....or.... "he's just not that into you" and would prefer you just go away.... or....... he gets an ego boost from it ..or.... ??

If he has set some other parameters around it, then I wouldn't feel so awkward e.g. has he said something like you must make at least one attempt in every 24 hour period? I mean otherwise what is he going to do if you don't contact him? Break his own rule?

Tread carefully.... and discuss it when you can.

_____________________________

Thinking Kitten

If you can't stand the heat... tell the chef to get out of the kitchen.

(in reply to kuriosity)

Post #: 5

RE: Contact - 9/9/2007 7:10:29 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Yes I thought about that also- what if she doesn't call him for a month? What if she calls him three times a day and then accuses her of being "too needy"? A lot of grey area and unknowns here.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ThinkingKitten)

Post #: 6

RE: Contact - 9/9/2007 7:29:05 PM

kuriosity

Posts: 7
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

I wasn't expecting such quick responses. To clarify - it is one call each day and during that time i am to beg to see him that morning/afternoon/evening depending on the day. While he is out of town it's an e-mail each day to share my day and thought with him. Prior to that I would say it was about 50/50 as to who contacted each other. Sir did tell me that as things progressed this would change as our relationship grew. He does send me links to sites and articles he thinks will help me learn more.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: Contact - 9/9/2007 8:24:40 PM

NControlofU

Posts: 204
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

It depends on what your relatioship is. If you have established a relationship that gives him the power to tell you what to do within whatever limits you have established with him, then he can tell you to be the one to contact him. If you haven't established this type of relationship with him and you dont like having to be the one to contact him or to beg to him, then tell him so and see if you can work it out. Assuming you and he want to work it out. Every sub/dom relationship is different. You need to figure out what feels right for you and find someone who respects your feelings about what you want.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kuriosity

I am new to both collarme and the wide world of BDSM. I'm not sure if this is in the right forum or not but here goes. A few days ago Sir laid out a few things that he wanted me to do...namely being the one responsible for contacting him and once in contact to beg to spend time with him. A part of me (the one taught not to invite yourself places since childhood) is having a hard time going from well mannered to begging to be allowed to see Sir. Also, by always being the one to initiate contact i've stared feeling a little stalkerish. It's my first D/s relationship and I am used to both being contacted and initiating contact with the man in my life.

I know thie first step is to discuss this with Sir and I will once he is home from a business trip. I just feel better having this conversation face to face rather than via e-mail since he is out of the country.

In the meantime, have any other subs had trouble with this? If so, how did you overcome it? Any Doms have this point of view and care to shed some light?

(in reply to kuriosity)

Post #: 8

RE: Contact - 9/9/2007 8:36:51 PM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

The part I am having trouble with is your Sir wanting you to beg to have contact and begging to spend time with him. It would seem to me that he would want as much time with you to train you as he sees fit for him. Yet as others have mentioned, this could be his way of training you in how to beg and using this situation as training fodder.

_____________________________

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Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

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Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to kuriosity)

Post #: 9

RE: Contact - 9/9/2007 8:57:22 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Well I'm guessing when you talk together you will ask him why he has this rule in place and he might answer. That might help your understanding and focus a lot.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 10

RE: Contact - 9/9/2007 10:15:32 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kuriosity

I wasn't expecting such quick responses. To clarify - it is one call each day and during that time i am to beg to see him that morning/afternoon/evening depending on the day. While he is out of town it's an e-mail each day to share my day and thought with him. Prior to that I would say it was about 50/50 as to who contacted each other. Sir did tell me that as things progressed this would change as our relationship grew. He does send me links to sites and articles he thinks will help me learn more.

I would like a woman to beg me for my attention....If I was really insecure. I like the part that he had to tell you to do this....You should say that it is a hard limit.

_____________________________

(in reply to kuriosity)

Post #: 11

RE: Contact - 9/10/2007 6:00:04 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

I can see the value to this sort of dynamic.

Like so many other elements of a D/s interactions, he's setting expectations for you to follow. If everything else seems kosher (and you've given us no reason to believe otherwise) I'd agree with LA's statement in that he wants you to assert a more aggressive stance on contact. It does sound like he's probably wrestling with some tendancies you have towards reverting back to older habits; all the more reason for him to assert that this is not a vanilla relationship, that he is not courting you. Essentially, he's telling you that, as his new (or prospective) submissive, you are courting him.

Obviously, it's entirely up to you to decide if you enjoy this dynamic or not. You already know you should talk to him about it; I would inquire as to his motivations here. He may vary well not share them with you, but that's also something you have to decide if you love it, hate it, or wish to leave it.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 12

RE: Contact - 9/10/2007 8:29:25 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

I always 'get' your posts Stephann...are you a therapist??
It's so valueable being able to get inside a dominant mind like this as once the play begins and the scne is set we as players don't always know our lines.....it's a formidable role the role of submissive as we bear our souls, entrust our bodies unto another and relinquish our power in order that the other let's us have it back.....difficult when we feel self-conscious instead of other conscious, difficult in so far as we are really giving up the self in order to submit........
Prinsexx

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 13

RE: Contact - 9/10/2007 10:16:04 AM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

OK, now that would be a definite ick for me. How well do you know this guy? It seems it is not on-line only. I would not be compatible with this guy cause I need to know that we want each other. I'm not interested in worth. I'm not interested in proof. So I would certainly have more discussion about this. Understand his rationale etc. If we could find a way for this to make my cunt wet, great, that would get me over it. But if it led to resentment I think it would be more destructive of the relationship. Thank god he's not interested in my resentment, and he is interested in how I tick.

Now if your only issue is that it's a new skill you haven't developed, I'd just work on developing it, like anything else which is new to you.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to kuriosity)

Post #: 14

RE: Contact - 9/10/2007 11:09:35 AM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

~FR~

I can see it as a learning tool.
If you have a submissive that is hung up on a certain way
of thinking,because of the way they were raised,it can be a challange getting
them to think a different way.Sometimes the Dom/me has to be harsh to get
the point across.

I can relate to being raised with certain 'manners' one of them was not inviting yourself to someones house.
Even as a Domme it can be difficult to overcome some of the things instilled from growing up.

I can also see the side of it that seems like the Dom is lacking something and needs to hear you beg.
Though I doubt that is the case.

I also think communication is the best thing.So when He returns a good long talk would
be a good idea.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)

Post #: 15

RE: Contact - 9/10/2007 3:53:52 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

I always 'get' your posts Stephann...are you a therapist??
It's so valueable being able to get inside a dominant mind like this as once the play begins and the scne is set we as players don't always know our lines.....it's a formidable role the role of submissive as we bear our souls, entrust our bodies unto another and relinquish our power in order that the other let's us have it back.....difficult when we feel self-conscious instead of other conscious, difficult in so far as we are really giving up the self in order to submit........
Prinsexx

Thank you for the kind compliment.

And no, I think I channel Jack Rinella from time to time.

Or maybe it's Ghandi (I'll bet he was kinky as hell.)

I dunno. I don't believe in that psychic stuff anyway

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 16

RE: Contact - 9/10/2007 4:09:37 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

~ FR ~

Hmm, it's ok for a dom to think it's hot to hear a sub beg to cum, but if he enjoys her begging to see him it's wrong?

I'm in agreement with those who have said he's probably refocusing the OP's mindset. I also agree that she should ask for his help in understanding this requirement.

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 17

RE: Contact - 9/10/2007 4:57:14 PM

VeryStrictDom

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/7/2007
Status: offline

My biggest problem with the Master's request is the vagueness of it all. Even after the OP's further clarification, it leaves a whole lot up to interpretation. What, exactly, consitutes begging? How much? How long? At what point does begging become whining?

The OP wrote:

quote:

To clarify - it is one call each day and during that time i am to beg to see him that morning/afternoon/evening depending on the day.

To me, that's leaving it up to the sub to choose when she wants to see him. I don't understand the training method at play here. If he's trying to get her out of her mindset, why give her additional choices? Why not create a more assertive scenario?

Add me to the list of people who don't quite get what is going on here. Seems more manipulation than training to me, with all due respect.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 18

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