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SusanofO -> RE: Rescue or Fool you... (9/2/2007 6:49:59 PM)
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Why don't you mail his family a copy of the doctor's Fibromyalgia diagnosis of the BF? Then just let it go - after all, the deal here (to me) appears to be: You fear they are making an un-just assessment of his real situation.
The thing is - you can lead a horse to water....so if they have it, you are off the morality hook as long as you mail them a copy, as far as I can see. Even if his family is rotten to him, he's got one. They have also known him longer than you, and could know a few things about him you may not.. And you, it appears, have your own "stuff" you need to take time to deal with just now.
My opinion is there are people who are not prone to see Fibromyalgia as a "real disease" BUT - also there is the deal of the degree to which her has it, even if he does have it - and how much that really affects his ability to make a contribution to a living situation, which is difficult to assess, based on what you've said, and lack of enough experience with the former BF.
His family could be total A_holes, or maybe they have a point. Hard to tell (for me) frankly.
But, if you wanna feel better, just mail them a copy of the Fibromyalgia diagnosis, along with a letter saying you thought they might want the information .
If his family then contacts you due to you doing this, and wants to argue with you mailing them a copy of the diagnosis- I'd refuse to do it, and tell them you simply wanted them to have the information, but it is not your intent to tell them what to do with it, just that it is something that, ad parents, you felt they might want to know and that your intent was good.
If they are intent on seeing you in any bad light because you mailed it, then their mind is already made up, for whatever reason - and in my experience, it can take weeks of precious time to argue with these types, and it can end up going absolutely nowehere. But I'd still mail them a copy.
Then I'd drop it, and say in your letter (and if they phone you to follow-up) that you thought it was pertinent that a third-party professional diagnosed him, but to what extent that affects his living situation is not for you to assess, since he no longer lives with you. You just felt that, as a parent, it was something they'd want to have.
As for expecting any money from the BF, for his living expenses with you - I'd just write that off. Not because he probably should not have offerred something to you, but also because it just isn't worth the headaches to pursue, IMO.
To me, that doesn't negate that you were trying to do a nice thing for the former BF - that doesn't make you a fool, it just makes you a decent person, IMO. The former BF could have seen a doctor himself, awhile back, had he decided on this option, or thought of it. You can hekp him in this way, but - he is 21, and has a family of is own. You can only be his "keeper" to a very limited degree.
IMO. If you really, really want to let yourself off the hook after you do that - then mail th former BF a check for $500, as a "help you start your life without your parents" fund. But, IMO you actually don't have an obligation to do that. You tried to help. He's not your son, you don't know him well, and you have your own stuff to deal with just now, and he is 21 years old.
That's just me, but you asked for opinions. Good luck.
- Susan
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