Friends, well are they? (Full Version)

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MHOO314 -> Friends, well are they? (9/2/2007 4:13:27 PM)

I have this issue that has been plaguing Me and I am open to opinions:
 
Several times a year we have gatherings at our house--(My house and My 17 yo UM)--we have a very eclectic group of friends---recently we had a gathering and 2 sets of friends really spent a great deal of time together-----I then find you that they have really been socializing allot---with out Me/us---I was invited once and could not attend as I had plans already--however, these two couples have  really hit it off---and I am feeling--well---- left out---should I?
 
It comes at a time when other of our friends seem to be deserting us due to the trials we have been facing.  Is it Me?



Level -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/2/2007 4:24:13 PM)

I think it's normal, and human, to feel left out at times. And, I also believe that true friendship is rare.
 
I don't have any good advice to give you, MH, except keep your heart open, and for those few that find their way in there, cherish them.



BitaTruble -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/2/2007 4:28:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

I have this issue that has been plaguing Me and I am open to opinions:
 
Several times a year we have gatherings at our house--(My house and My 17 yo UM)--we have a very eclectic group of friends---recently we had a gathering and 2 sets of friends really spent a great deal of time together-----I then find you that they have really been socializing allot---with out Me/us---I was invited once and could not attend as I had plans already--however, these two couples have  really hit it off---and I am feeling--well---- left out---should I?
 
It comes at a time when other of our friends seem to be deserting us due to the trials we have been facing.  Is it Me?


Aw, MHO, you shouldn't be feeling left out. Take pride that your taste in friends is so good that they also want to be with one another! It could be that they are just trying to give you some space while you deal with your trials. Don't discount them, but do communicate with them. There's never harm in letting them know how you're feeling. Good friends are priceless and I'm sure they consider you just as priceless and would want to know what's going on with you.

Celeste



SusanofO -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/2/2007 6:34:30 PM)

I deal with this in the dinner group I run. Some people in it socialize together often, outside the monthly meeting for dinner. The thing is, there are about 30 people who have attended, at some point - just usually not all at once.

On any regular basis, we have somewhere between 6-15 people. Some of them have really hit it off, and some are so busy they just plain don't pursue seeing these folks at other times, only in that dinner group meeting setting, on a monthly basis. Some of them appear to really not like eachother much, others  get along really well.

My non-solution, solution has been to continue to treat all of them cordially, and figure well, hey - I have a busy life, too. If I wanted to do it, I could always arrange seeing them outside that monthly meeting as well. But, I can be kind of shy, plus I know they really are nice folks, and I have been out with some of them at other times, just not lately. I just haven't contacted any lately, except seeing them at that monthly gathering, because my Summer has been super busy.

This might not be your exact situation, but the reasoning used can help ease any pain, regardless (really). A times, I can be more sensitive to that kind of thing when/If it happens, than others. 

But I wouldn't take it as any assesssment of your personal worth. If you want, call one of them and ask them to do some socializing, and see where it leads - if you want. Otherwise, I'd just try to blow it off, and busy yourself with other things.

I am actually kind f a private person, and only have about 2 really great reliable freinds I'd count on to be there for me no matter what. Ther person I really count on through icky situations is my sister - we get along pretty well, and in our case, we both believe that blood really is thicker than water. The other folks i socialize with - but if they end up being disappointing somehow, I just let it go. I might not forget, but I don't make an issue of it, because in my experience it gets nowhere.

You'd think they'd realize they are being a little clique-ish, but maybe they don't see it that way at all, who knows? That's why I'd call one of them (one person, not a couple) and ask them out for coffee or dinner or a movie, or something. If it turns out they are being snobs, you have 2 choices:

1) Pretend not to notice (this can insinuate you have other things to do, and are too big a person to become petty, which you probably are - and try to remain on good terms  OR

2) Confront them about it - in which case, bottom-line: Be prepared to lose them as friends if they take what you say personally, and retaliate, for whatever reason.

- Susan 



SusanofO -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/2/2007 7:36:19 PM)

I think living well is the best revenge, frankly. Good luck.

- Susan



windchymes -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/2/2007 7:39:38 PM)

There is an old saying, "laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." 

I count my "true friends" as those who do stick with me through the rough times.  There aren't very many, but quality over quantity anytime for me.



cloudboy -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/2/2007 8:30:28 PM)


Whatever the reasons, friendship erosion sucks. Good luck sorting it out.



SusanofO -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/2/2007 10:14:15 PM)

I should also clarify that in that dinner group I run, that I am Not buying everyone's dinner. I choose a restaurant on a monthly basis, then they decide if they want to attend. One time I did buy everyone's dinner, but that time, there were only 8 people there, not 30.

And I have had several people (besides my sister) who have on other occasions "been there" for me, and I did appreciate it Sometimes, there have been times when it seemed nobody was there ( I am lucky I do have my sister, though). Those times do indeed suck. My sympathies.

If I was hosting monthly dinner parties at my house, and these people otherwise excluded  me in everything they did, I might well feel pretty miffed if they never, ever reciprocated.

But in that case as well, seems to me you've still got the same two choices I mentioned before.

But if they simply are not reciprocating at all - ever (if they are in a position to do it), and you are the one hosting all events, all the time (and paying for them, too) - those kind of people I tend to just see less of, because IMO they have poor manners, even if they can be fun.  Good luck.

- Susan  



MHOO314 -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/3/2007 4:36:46 AM)

Well put and some good other thoughts,--yes at times we tend to be private and are busy ourselves with the horses etc--so maybe I am just at this moment overly sensitive---and yes Susan, it is what it is---our gatherings are always in the fall and winter, so with the slow down of summer---we'll see what happens--and a phone call this weekend is im order.



came4U -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/3/2007 6:52:11 AM)

omg, I just watched a King of Queens episode that was just like this. lol

Doug and Carry had 2 couples over to socialize and the other couples started hanging out (like dating) a lot without them LOL.

Doug and Carry went in search of a new couple to hang out with to make the others jealous.  It was hillarious.  They ended up going to a restraunt and see the other couples together and acted all 'highschool' about it when asked to join them.  Eventually, they decided to join them and have a good time.  Try to make the best of your friends' happiness and open your heart to a 6-some, instead of a 4-some.  I am sure it is not personal that they are enjoying eachother's company.



Celeste43 -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/3/2007 9:58:44 AM)

Probably what is going on is a little awkwardness at you being single and they're couples. In a larger group it doesn't matter but they may feel that you would feel like a fifth wheel like this. Of course if they're playing bridge, then a fifth person definitely isn't needed.

But they may have found that although they like you, the couples seem to click really well. The men enjoy the same pastimes and have things in common to talk about and the same for the women. And that's unusual in couples, for both spouses to enjoy the other couple's company equally. One of my closest friend's and I used to socialize sometimes back when we were both married. Our exes got along okay but they would never have picked each other as friends so mainly she and I got together separately. With another couple, we all enjoyed each other's company and saw them more frequently.



MHOO314 -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/3/2007 11:00:08 AM)

Wow, a very interesting insight that I never thought about--thank you for this perspective.



SusanofO -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/3/2007 3:05:31 PM)

Well I imagine the situation can still hurt your feelings, and I hope you don't think I was belittling your feelings in any way - just saying I've dealt with this, too. It can sting, depending on "where my heart and head are at" at the time. Good luck.

- Susan



MHOO314 -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/3/2007 6:22:27 PM)

SoO, not for one second did I think you were belittling My feelings, you are always frank., honest, open amd straightforward--and caring-----smiles, thanks.



SusanofO -> RE: Friends, well are they? (9/3/2007 7:01:15 PM)

Why thank you! You are welcome. Don't worry - this will pass.

- Susan



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