how to bring it up? (Full Version)

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flower2007 -> how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 4:56:55 PM)

Please, no flames.  I'm not really all that strange and everyone has to start somewhere.

I'm a virgin.  Yes, and I still have a profile here and still read the message boards.  I don't need to have had sex to know how I feel about it.  I haven't had the guts yet to do any kind of D/s play, but it's definitely something I need to experience at some point in time.

I recently met a man (not on CM) and for some reason, it appears he's interested in me.  How do I bring up the fact that even though I've never tried anything, I have some different interests?  I have a feeling D/s tends to scare men away.  Also, if I am not willing to jump into bed with him right away, is there anything D/s-like we can do that's not strictly sex?  I know that's it's going to be sexual, but I'm looking for things we can try that aren't intercourse.



AquaticSub -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 5:00:59 PM)

Try reading, and then giving to him, a copy of When Someone You Love is Kinky



apiercedkitty -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 5:03:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

Please, no flames.  I'm not really all that strange and everyone has to start somewhere.

I'm a virgin.  Yes, and I still have a profile here and still read the message boards.  I don't need to have had sex to know how I feel about it.  I haven't had the guts yet to do any kind of D/s play, but it's definitely something I need to experience at some point in time.

I recently met a man (not on CM) and for some reason, it appears he's interested in me.  How do I bring up the fact that even though I've never tried anything, I have some different interests?  I have a feeling D/s tends to scare men away.  Also, if I am not willing to jump into bed with him right away, is there anything D/s-like we can do that's not strictly sex?  I know that's it's going to be sexual, but I'm looking for things we can try that aren't intercourse.


*mouth hanging open*  Uh... sorry - just a bit surprised by anyone being a virgin nowadays - and i surely DON'T mean that in a negative way at all... as it's been far more years than i care to admit since i was a virgin, i have no advice about that. As far as the D/s thing - i'm a strong supporter of being open and honest from the beginning. i would probably ask him if he's ever been interested in alternative lifestyles of any sort... seems like a discussion could arise out of that. As i discovered BDSM later in life, i don't like to waste time with taking a chance on getting to know a guy and THEN springing my "kinks" on him - i prefer to do it upfront - that way neither of us wastes any time if he's not interested. However you handle it - good luck!!



Viridana -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 5:06:51 PM)

All facets of BDSM whether they be D/s, fetish, SM or whatever can be done without any sexual involvement. For me none of the bdsm activities are even close to being of any sexual nature. It just depends on what you are looking for and how you decide to look at things. If you are thinking mostly about D/s, servitude can be so many things than just sexual. Servitude doesn't even have to consist of bondage nor SM either if you make it that way.

Don't be embarrassed nor scared about your virginity. You can just put sexual stuff as a hard limit. We all have hard limits somewhere and this is just yours. That doesn't and shouldn't interfere with your way of doing bdsm. I hope you find what you are looking for and find a compatible partner.



Bobkgin -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 5:14:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

Please, no flames.  I'm not really all that strange and everyone has to start somewhere.

I'm a virgin.  Yes, and I still have a profile here and still read the message boards.  I don't need to have had sex to know how I feel about it.  I haven't had the guts yet to do any kind of D/s play, but it's definitely something I need to experience at some point in time.

I recently met a man (not on CM) and for some reason, it appears he's interested in me.  How do I bring up the fact that even though I've never tried anything, I have some different interests?  I have a feeling D/s tends to scare men away.  Also, if I am not willing to jump into bed with him right away, is there anything D/s-like we can do that's not strictly sex?  I know that's it's going to be sexual, but I'm looking for things we can try that aren't intercourse.


First, I suggest a whole lot of discussion before you try to do anything. BDSM involves an enormous amount of trust, and I wouldn't recommend trying it with someone you don't know well.

Not given your lack of experience.

As for activities: neither bondage nor pain requires intercourse.

Indeed, I might say there is very little about bdsm that requires intercourse.

But consider that while bound and potentially helpless, there is little you could do to stop someone from having intercourse, which is why I recommend you save this for someone you really trust.

And there are many risks of varying degrees involved with someone binding you if he doesn't know what he is doing.

When I was new to bdsm, I was with someone I loved, who loved me, and we'd been together for several years. Initially, bondage was just a way to keep her from jumping around while I performed fellatio. Her pubic bone kept hitting my upper lip, so bondage made it easy to keep her from doing this.

We just kept experimenting with different things as time went on, and I've never gone back to vanilla.

So I highly recommend that approach.

Don't let your eagerness to get started cause you to err in judgment and end up with bad experiences that might put you off of it. Better to develop a solid relationship with someone who is also curious about it, and once that is done, experiment.

And when you are ready to experiment, you and your lover should visit places like this and ask lots of questions to be sure you grasp the safety issues involved. Do it together and it will make for some intersting discussions that will likely lead to interesting experiences.

Best wishes for safe and exciting adventures into bdsm.



flower2007 -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 5:23:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

First, I suggest a whole lot of discussion before you try to do anything. BDSM involves an enormous amount of trust, and I wouldn't recommend trying it with someone you don't know well.


I'm very good at the lack of discussion.  I've known I've had a submissive side for close to 10 years, but haven't acted on it, so it's definitely nothing I'd jump into with someone I didn't know.  In this case, I think he might become a boyfriend, but I'd like a boyfriend who was ok with a non-vanilla relationship.  He and I have talked about our views on intercourse, so I'm not worried about him taking advantage of me IF we decided to introduce a little kink.

I'm just not sure how to tell him I'd like a little kink.  I've mentioned tame fantasies to guys before, and they actually break it off with me.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 5:29:24 PM)

Flower2007 - I think its great that you have such a good idea of what you want/need so soon in your life.  Its amazing to me.  You've already been given great advise.  I won't belabor that.

I just have one off the wall question.  When you do get married and experience sex...are you going to change your name to DeFlowered2007?  (just teasing)



Bobkgin -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 5:41:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

First, I suggest a whole lot of discussion before you try to do anything. BDSM involves an enormous amount of trust, and I wouldn't recommend trying it with someone you don't know well.


I'm very good at the lack of discussion.  I've known I've had a submissive side for close to 10 years, but haven't acted on it, so it's definitely nothing I'd jump into with someone I didn't know.  In this case, I think he might become a boyfriend, but I'd like a boyfriend who was ok with a non-vanilla relationship.  He and I have talked about our views on intercourse, so I'm not worried about him taking advantage of me IF we decided to introduce a little kink.

I'm just not sure how to tell him I'd like a little kink.  I've mentioned tame fantasies to guys before, and they actually break it off with me.


Think of it this way.

You know you want the kink, so it is going to have to come up sooner or later.

Make it sooner, so that anyone who doesn't want it can bail out on you early. The earlier they bail, the less emotional pain there'll be.

What you want is a boyfriend who wants kink, not a boyfriend who feels trapped into performing a kink he doesn't like. So be fair and honest with him up front, and let the cards fall where they may.

If he runs, it is only showing you he'd have been a poor choice for you anyway. Eventually you'll meet someone who won't run, and then you'll have the relationship you need  to make your kink a reality.

One more thing: Knowledge is to Ignorance as Experience is to Knowledge. Knowing, thinking, fantasizing are all good, but realize that the real experience of those things may be very different to what you imagine it to be.



flower2007 -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 5:42:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
I just have one off the wall question.  When you do get married and experience sex...are you going to change your name to DeFlowered2007?  (just teasing)

LOL!!!  I just might have to do that!




celticlord2112 -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 5:47:36 PM)

The first hurdle is how to gauge what his interests in this area might be.  If he's not actively pursuing the lifestyle BDSM without sex could be a bit tricky...in my experience vanilla types tend to sexualize most types of BDSM play.

The best advice I can give you is to explore HIS interests--in everything.  Along the way, share yours.  If you the two of you have good chemistry, if you keep learning about each other you will eventually get to a point where D/s is a natural conversation to have.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 5:53:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
I just have one off the wall question.  When you do get married and experience sex...are you going to change your name to DeFlowered2007?  (just teasing)

LOL!!!  I just might have to do that!

Yay!  Just call me your muse!




beargonewild -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 5:59:37 PM)

Greetings flower. May I suggest that at some point, when you're fully comfortable with this man, to fully and clearly exprress your position. Just be open and honest and let him know you aren't ready to get into anything sexual right away. Chances are there are many many different ways to explore the D/s dynamic without adding the sex aspect, at least not yet.



MisPandora -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 7:03:18 PM)

I'm sorry that my brain is sputtering out this answer: "How about just telling the truth?"

We proport that this lifestyle is about honesty, integrity and communication.  You'd be doing yourself and the other fellow a disservice if you were to be anything less than truthful with your situation.

*edited to add the following, cut off by my spastic fingers*

Be honest.   Tell him that you've had interests in X, Y and Z, haven't explored them but would really like to find someone who you can trust to explore them with.  If he runs, he's not the guy for you (period.)  If he tries, asks for more information or says, "we can try that", he's potentially a keeper.



flower2007 -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 7:06:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

I'm sorry that my brain is sputtering out this answer: "How about just telling the truth?"

We proport that this lifestyle is about honesty, integrity and communication.  You'd be doing yourself and the other fellow a disservice if you were to be anything less than truthful with your situation, regardless of how it offends your sensitivities and sensibilities.

I'm not thinking about lying to him, or keeping it from him - I'm just not sure that this is something easy to bring up in coversation, especially if I'm not already sleeping with him (he already knows that's not going to happen right away).

I know that I've mentioned to other men I've dated that I want to be tied up (the mild version, you know?).  They ran away.  I'm not sure if it was them or the way I brought it up, so I was just curious how to approach the subject in general.



MisPandora -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 7:14:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007
I'm not thinking about lying to him, or keeping it from him - I'm just not sure that this is something easy to bring up in coversation, especially if I'm not already sleeping with him (he already knows that's not going to happen right away).

I know that I've mentioned to other men I've dated that I want to be tied up (the mild version, you know?).  They ran away.  I'm not sure if it was them or the way I brought it up, so I was just curious how to approach the subject in general.


I was in the middle of an edit to correct my rapid-fire sendoff to your post, apologies for you not getting it before you responded.

I'm not meaning you're intending to lie.  What I mean is that simply telling someone straight rather than sugarcoating it, or telling them what you think they can handle does YOU a disservice in the long run.  You'd rather be up front with the guy that he's not going to get laid immediately and that you want to explore ________ .  What I'm trying to say is...well, don't tell him silk scarves and bunnyfur if you think you want iron coffle and paddling till your ass looks like hamburger.  It will come back to harm you in the end.

In terms of your second comment, I could see where the number of 'flags on the field' (intact virginity, guy not going to get laid, kink curious, latent to explore it) that mighta/coulda scared the previous guys off.  There is someone out there who will appreciate all aspects of who you are.  The most important thing is to be true to yourself and then be true to all others :-)



Bobkgin -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 7:48:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007
I'm not thinking about lying to him, or keeping it from him - I'm just not sure that this is something easy to bring up in coversation, especially if I'm not already sleeping with him (he already knows that's not going to happen right away).

I know that I've mentioned to other men I've dated that I want to be tied up (the mild version, you know?).  They ran away.  I'm not sure if it was them or the way I brought it up, so I was just curious how to approach the subject in general.


I was in the middle of an edit to correct my rapid-fire sendoff to your post, apologies for you not getting it before you responded.

I'm not meaning you're intending to lie.  What I mean is that simply telling someone straight rather than sugarcoating it, or telling them what you think they can handle does YOU a disservice in the long run.  You'd rather be up front with the guy that he's not going to get laid immediately and that you want to explore ________ .  What I'm trying to say is...well, don't tell him silk scarves and bunnyfur if you think you want iron coffle and paddling till your ass looks like hamburger.  It will come back to harm you in the end.

In terms of your second comment, I could see where the number of 'flags on the field' (intact virginity, guy not going to get laid, kink curious, latent to explore it) that mighta/coulda scared the previous guys off.  There is someone out there who will appreciate all aspects of who you are.  The most important thing is to be true to yourself and then be true to all others :-)


To which I will add a hearty and heart-felt "ditto".



flower2007 -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/25/2007 8:12:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

You'd rather be up front with the guy that he's not going to get laid immediately and that you want to explore ________ .  What I'm trying to say is...well, don't tell him silk scarves and bunnyfur if you think you want iron coffle and paddling till your ass looks like hamburger.  It will come back to harm you in the end.

Completely understand and agree, and thanks for the clarification.



LivingInSin -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/27/2007 9:23:01 AM)

i rented the move "secretary" and watched it with a guy that eventually became my boyfriend.
its a movie about a girl that gets introduced to an alternative way of thinking :) there is alot of differnt kinks in it.
i used the events in the movie to ease into the conversation. like so babe how do you feel about that? you think its hot or no way in hell?
well its an idea for you at any rate. Good Luck!!



KiandPhoenix -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/27/2007 9:35:54 AM)

Virgin. . .do they make those anymore? I thought they fell somewhere into dragons, virgins, unicorns, and other mythical creatures.  Not that I am flaming your life choice by any means, but those were my first thoughts.

Shortly after I moved out on my own at 15 my girlfriend came out to me as being bisexual. She was terrified that I would think less of her. Obviously she didn't know most men. Even had I rejected the notion though it would have not changed the fact that she was bisexual. She simply was. You are the way you are, simple as that. That leaves him with two choices. He can either accept you for who you are, and love all of you, or he can reject parts of you. If he rejects parts of you, then he isn't for you. Regardless of the outcome you are still you. So why worry about his reaction? Simply tell him who you are, and let him decide for himself. You owe it to you to be yourself, and you owe it to him to let him see who you are before he gets involved with someone he only thinks you are. So just say it. Whatever will be will be.
~Ki



slaveish -> RE: how to bring it up? (8/27/2007 11:28:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: flower2007

I recently met a man (not on CM) and for some reason, it appears he's interested in me.  How do I bring up the fact that even though I've never tried anything, I have some different interests?  I have a feeling D/s tends to scare men away.  Also, if I am not willing to jump into bed with him right away, is there anything D/s-like we can do that's not strictly sex?  I know that's it's going to be sexual, but I'm looking for things we can try that aren't intercourse.



I'd suggest not lowering the boom all at once, that you are a virgin but are into D/s. It might be ... it ~will~ be confusing if he has no clue what D/s dynamics entail.

Definitely tell him you are a virgin. Do so when the sex discussion comes up, if it hasn't already. Don't just blurt it out or anything 0 do it as gracefully as possible.

As for the submissive part, try showing him with your actions that you are submissive. Answer him with "Sir" and do little services for him like fetching his drink. Kneel at his feet (after awhile) when you speak with him if you're at home or someplace private. Work him into it slowly. I can't imagine too many men (unless they're submissive in their own right) who wouldn't love the devoted attention.



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