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How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 11:57:43 AM

Mellissande

Posts: 435
Joined: 4/22/2007
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Love and the Fear of being Alone?

I am sorry if this is in the wrong forum, but I have watched my mom live with man after man, Confusing those two concepts and having her children abused in the process. Now I am afraid that I am following in her same footsteps...

I fear being alone so much that I will stay with a man I don't truly love in order to have someone there, in my bed...

Is there somebody out there that could help me understand this? Or anyone with Similar experiences to share?

_____________________________

Offer them what they secretly want and they of course immediately become panic-stricken.
— jack Kerouac

Post #: 1

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 12:12:55 PM

ownedgirlie

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Does your body tingle when you think of him? Does your heart skip a beat? Do you light up when you hear his voice? Do you find yourself wanting to do things for him, putting him first? Do you consider him in your decisions, hoping he will enjoy the outcome? Do you want him to be happy, even if it means he's off with the guys or doing something without you?

When I love someone, those are the experiences I have. When I have just wanted someone around because I didn't want to be alone, my feelings were more self focused.

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 2

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 12:19:40 PM

Mellissande

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Joined: 4/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Does your body tingle when you think of him? Does your heart skip a beat? Do you light up when you hear his voice? Do you find yourself wanting to do things for him, putting him first? Do you consider him in your decisions, hoping he will enjoy the outcome? Do you want him to be happy, even if it means he's off with the guys or doing something without you?

When I love someone, those are the experiences I have. When I have just wanted someone around because I didn't want to be alone, my feelings were more self focused.

I've felt all of these things, but they fade, or go away completely after a few months... I am afraid that by doing so, I hurt alot of people... right now, I feel so alone I just want somebody to be there for me and make me feel safe, but when I think I love somebody, I try my hardest to make it work out and it just doesn't... There end up being too many problems between us...

I'm just really confused, Thanks for your help girlie

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 12:24:17 PM

ownedgirlie

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Sometimes "love fading" is really a wall that's been built to protect yourself from love. Are you afraid to love?

Or is it the adrenaline of a new relationship that excites you, and once you get comfortable with someone, you become bored?

Or something else?

It's something worth examining, and something a good therapist may be able to walk you through. And I'm not being condescending in suggesting therapy - I have a therapist myself. :)

In any case, kudos to you for beginning a self examination. You're already steps ahead of where you were.

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 12:24:26 PM

breatheasone

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Joined: 7/14/2007
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In all seriousness....get help....seek professional help, it can do wonders. Professional help can also help you break free of this cycle you find yourself in...i wish you the very best...truly

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 12:27:15 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Well the source is different- one is secure and the other isn't.

I think if being with the person makes you feel more fulfilled in who you are, then it's good.

It's also ok to have a fear of being alone AND be in love with someone. You just have to make sure the fear isn't what is driving the process. I think the biggest sign of this is that you feel secure and you handle things maturely.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 12:28:37 PM

Estring

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I think you already understand the difference. The next question is... do you want to change?

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Boycott Whales!

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 12:35:20 PM

CuriousLord

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Would "fear of being alone" include "just wanting someone"? Because that's basically how it is for me. Perhaps I'm wrong- perhaps it's in there somewhere and I just don't realize it- but I don't think I love anyone.

I think I loved, once. Back when I was.. twelve, maybe? The most intense passion I've ever felt. (I would remind anyone reading this, I grew up very quickly. I was in college at this point; sex, jobs, money- they weren't mysteries to me.)

I think.. but I can't be sure.. that I grew cold after this? For years after, I still loved this one girl. Yet I think I scared her. She was my age- nearly to the week- though I suppose this still made me a craddle robber in some senses. She was my friend, when I was still in school, back in fifth grade (I was nine or ten at the time). A recess mate- we spent all of our recesses together playing soccer. I always tried to show off.. heh.. I even broke my wrist one day from doing that thing where you walk on the ball, because I fell and caught myself poorly.

In any case, old memories aside, as it's been over half my life ago, in a different time, I think I'm among those unable to feel love anymore. Perhaps I truly value my slave since she loves me enough to compensate for my lack. Or, perhaps I do love her, but it's just not as passionate as one's first love, so I'm confused by the difference.

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 12:42:54 PM

Mellissande

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Joined: 4/22/2007
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Thank you all for your input... And as soon as my monetary status allows me, I will seek professional help, until then I will seek guidance from those who have been there. They usually help me more than anytherapist ever did... my fear is more a fear that if I leave the man I am with then I will never find someone else. I feel like I am lucky if a man shows interest in me and I should do whatever it takes to keep his interest... But I've only ever been let down... I don't know... my last therapist didn't help, She just sat there and asked the same questions over and over again... Like she thought I was lying ... either that or she has too many patients and seriously forgot my answers...

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 12:46:37 PM

Mellissande

Posts: 435
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

Would "fear of being alone" include "just wanting someone"? Because that's basically how it is for me. Perhaps I'm wrong- perhaps it's in there somewhere and I just don't realize it- but I don't think I love anyone.

I think I loved, once. Back when I was.. twelve, maybe? The most intense passion I've ever felt. (I would remind anyone reading this, I grew up very quickly. I was in college at this point; sex, jobs, money- they weren't mysteries to me.)

I think.. but I can't be sure.. that I grew cold after this? For years after, I still loved this one girl. Yet I think I scared her. She was my age- nearly to the week- though I suppose this still made me a craddle robber in some senses. She was my friend, when I was still in school, back in fifth grade (I was nine or ten at the time). A recess mate- we spent all of our recesses together playing soccer. I always tried to show off.. heh.. I even broke my wrist one day from doing that thing where you walk on the ball, because I fell and caught myself poorly.

In any case, old memories aside, as it's been over half my life ago, in a different time, I think I'm among those unable to feel love anymore. Perhaps I truly value my slave since she loves me enough to compensate for my lack. Or, perhaps I do love her, but it's just not as passionate as one's first love, so I'm confused by the difference.

I understand how you feel. I had to grow up quickly, but in a sense that I was the one taking care of myself and my brother from the time I was 6 until now. Throw in Sexual molestation by a cousin then later by my mom's husband... being the fat girl in school, I never had any real friends, And my first boyfriend When I was 16 raped me... then when I was 17 my best friends husband raped me... So yeah... my problems are about as twisted as they can get

I hope that you do find love, And I am sure that you will find someone who will warm you to the point of loving, It just takes time

((edited to fix typos))

< Message edited by Mellissande -- 8/17/2007 12:51:42 PM >

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 3:16:40 PM

SusanofO

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Though this might not ever be out to a reality test (for anyone, maybe) - BUT -ask yourself if this person is who you would choose to be marooned with, if it was just you and them, on a desert island somewhere.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 3:22:47 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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I've found that I fear having a man I don't truly love in my bed so much that I grew to love being alone.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 3:33:32 PM

seeksfemslave

Posts: 4011
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline

Mellisande: I am amazed. I read your OP and then I looked at your profile expecting to see a woman of say 40ish. What did I see? A young lady of 19. Fear of being alone at 19...beats me, you should be out and about confident as hell and generally making a nuisance of yourself.
I appreciate circumstances in your upbringing may well make this difficult.

Why so fearful of being alone?
Learn to like yourself and then you have solved one of lifes major probems...how to live with yourself...which may well then evolve into finding somebody with whom you want to live and just as importantly wants to live with you.

Aaaaaaaaaagh lol

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 3:33:57 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Though this might not ever be out to a reality test (for anyone, maybe) - BUT -ask yourself if this person is who you would choose to be marooned with, if it was just you and them, on a desert island somewhere.

- Susan

I would actually PREFER to be totally alone in my own world with my Master....however the reality of life and my other responsibilities keep my feet on the ground...

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 4:22:36 PM

MuseofGrace

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Joined: 2/18/2007
Status: offline

Finding a therapist that is right for me, in some ways, is very much like finding a new best friend or partner. It's about chemistry and the ability to relate on a spiritual level. It's not like finding a car mechanic. Keep looking. Ask friends of yours that you can relate to if they have any that they can recommend from personal experience. Also, some offer their services on a sliding scale based on income.

There are many self-help books available on relationships that you can check out at the library as well. A couple that have helped me find clarity are M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled and Alon Gratch's If Love Could Think: Using Your Mind to Guide Your Heart.

I am also sending you (on the other side) a copy of an MSN article that I have printed and kept on my fridge. It's titled "Don't Settle! Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn't Rush into Just *Any* Relationship.

I hope you find the help you seek and wish you well.

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 11:03:55 PM

Mellissande

Posts: 435
Joined: 4/22/2007
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thank you so much for all of the support. Seeksfemslave, I get that alot. Since I was about nine I've been told I am wise beyond my years... I don't know... Also thank you very much for the message Muse You are Wonderful!!

You are all of course right. And I appreciate all of your help

< Message edited by Mellissande -- 8/17/2007 11:04:24 PM >

(in reply to MuseofGrace)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 11:15:39 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
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I went through a patch in my life where ANY guy was better than NO guy. I made a really tough (it seemed so then) decision to be alone. I learned so much about myself, even some things I really didn't like, but wow, how my world changed. Not being on form and suiting myself to a man, I learned to stay make up free for weeks on end. I learned to wear flat shoes. I learned that a pimple or a broken nail was NOT an occassion to call an ambulance!!LOL.

The most important thing I learned though, was that I can CHOOSE to have a man in my life, or CHOOSE not to.

It's hard honey, especially with the upbringing you had (a conditioning process), but if you want to change your destiny and not live your mothers destiny, you will. Good luck!!!

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/17/2007 11:26:08 PM

Mellissande

Posts: 435
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline

I don't have many of those problems though, I don't wear makeup, I don't have fingernails, I work on cars and houses and plumbing, nails get in the way... I'm 6' tall so heels aren't usually an option... I guess if anything I do too little to impress men... My main fear right now is that I think I might love this guy, but he wants to rush everything and live together right now and have a family right away... and I'm afraid that I am not ready for that... But at the same time, I don't want to be alone, And I don't want to tell him no, because I am afraid he won't stick around to wait for my decision... I just really don't know, I love everybody I meet... And that is what I think causes me so much pain when it comes to relationships, I love everybody and don't want to hurt anybody so I stay with them because I am not only afraid to be alone, I am afraid to hurt them...

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 18

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/18/2007 12:25:30 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

I was speaking figuratively when I said about the make up, etc. I meant that I could be ME, without anything else and without having to work my way around anyone else. I went to bed when I liked, got up when I liked, didn't shower if I didn't feel like it, etc.

But this situation is really about your sense of self worth. If this guy loves you, why wouldn't he wait for you to be ready? Do you think he doesn't love you enough to put it off (most especially the wanting UM's straightaway, good grief, that needs serious consideration!!). If he doesn't love you that much, why do you want him? Would you seriously have UM's with someone who takes you and your feelings so lightly? Does he care if you get hurt? Have you actually told him to slow down a little? If you haven't, you don't trust him. If you don't trust his feelings for you, there is no relationship.

(in reply to Mellissande)

Post #: 19

RE: How do you tell the difference between... - 8/18/2007 12:47:10 AM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

I learned that a pimple or a broken nail was NOT an occassion to call an ambulance!!LOL.

'Any chance you can share this snippet of wisdom with the other 30 million English women?........

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 20

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