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Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 12:43:08 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		a submissive (or dominant, for that matter).

I was reading another thread where the op was questioning her status as 'just his sub.'  So as not to hijack the thread, I thought I'd start another.

So, my immediate thoughts are that there is no such thing as "just a sub."  My experience has always been that creating a viable D/s relationship with a strong power exchange dynamic is incredibly difficult, and requires a huge amount of work/effort/negotiation.  To achieve the status/feeling of being 'just a sub' would be a tremendous achievement and nothing to denigrate.  How about others?  Is being 'just a sub/slave' (or 'just a dom/master') less than some other status (girlfriend, wife, lover, friend)? 

(I'm in the middle of moving and don't have internet access in my apt yet, so I'll only be checking back as I can.)

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 12:46:41 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Not everyone wants to be more than 'just a XXX.'

Sadly, wishing we had no responsibility doesn't make it so.

Stephan


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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 12:48:36 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It is what you make of it.  If you want more than to be considered "just a..." is going to be tough. 

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 12:51:02 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		I've been just a sub and as it's exactly what I wanted at the time, it was everything to me. I certainly didn't feel like less, in fact, quite the opposite was true. I felt incredibly free and without anything to hold me down from flying. I got all the perks and play without having to fill out tax forms. :)

What status it may or may not have held is in the eye of the beholder.

Celeste

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"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 12:52:22 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		I have seen it accepted as a self made statement more than I'd like to have seen it, but rarely do I see it as an outside statement (You're just a _____) without it being challenged.
Personally I'd like to see it challenged every time it is spoken or written.

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 3:09:46 PM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		You are what you allow yourself to be.  If you're only or just a submissive person, then that's what you are.  It's your choice what you are, not someone else's, even if that someone is a dominant person.  If you want to be more than just a ... then you have to not accept a relationship with someone who wants to make you just a ...

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Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 3:20:12 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		 I'm only a bill. And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill.

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 4:01:11 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		“I yam what I yam”
Goals are important for personal growth but need to be balanced with acceptance of where we are at the moment.
An example would be my job.  I’ve never wanted to go back to school for a higher degree, I’ve never wanted a supervisory position.  I enjoy my work and I’m good at what I do.  Moving up the ladder would take me away from where I’m at my best.  I don’t consider myself ‘just’ an employee. 
We all have our niche in life whether it is a personal dynamic or work or play.    
The trick is to set your own goals and not let others talk you into trying to achieve some status they believe is ‘better’. 

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 4:58:59 PM   
teamnoir


Posts: 226
Joined: 4/5/2005
From: San Francisco Bay Area California
Status: offline 		I think it depends.

That incredible amount of work you describe looks to me more like initial learning curve than it does the effort for any particular relationship. I think that any relationship, that's going to have any longevity, requires a certain about of self examination and communication. However, I think that many relationships run on autopilot for years, even decades at a time. And I think d/s relationships can do that too if that's what the participants want.

Exploring, edge play, poly, doing new things, these all involve extra helpings of communication, vigilence, and rigorous self examination.

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 5:19:38 PM   
violetaelf


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/29/2006
Status: offline 		It's different for everyone.

I never wanted to be 'just a sub" so I've found a great Dom for whom I am a sub, a lover, a friend...

I've also known a couple who were just sub and Dom.. and were married to other people, so had their own lovers, friends..

For someone.. just being a sub is what they need.


'violet'

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 6:50:08 PM   
petdave


Posts: 2479
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I'm only a bill. And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill.


*VETO*

Everyone has different needs... being a pet is very (too) important to me, but if the daylight/weekend/Monday came and She went "home" to someone else to share her kisses and her dreams, and i went back to my computer... it would be a "just" situation for me.

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 6:55:03 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		crap, DG, i almost spewed ice chips all over this brand new laptop...

note to self...read read read, look away, drink, swallow, look back, read read read, repeat....

chelle

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/10/2007 9:46:12 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		I remember saying, I am 'just the receptionist' to one client about 5 years ago. He told me a story that stuck with me...
 
He is a well known doctor, he had one lady who worked for him for 25 years, and she was a receptionist. Not an assitant, but a receptionist. That was her job. She answered phones, greeted patients, filed, set appointments, etc. Nothing 'medical'. He kept her for 25 years not becuase she was 'just' a receptionist, but, because she was incredible. I have never said I am 'just' the receptionist since then. It's 'I AM the receptionist.'  
 
I may be a slave, I am not 'just' a slave. I am MJ's slave. I am the best slave that I can be at this time. I use the phrase, 'I am just me. Nothing more, nothing less.' I only know how to be me, I don't know how to be anyone else. I don't want to be anyone else. Some times being 'just' is a GREAT thing, other times, its just a matter of perspective.

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/11/2007 3:34:46 AM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		Personally, I think that being "just a sub" is both a measure of low self-esteem and also denigrating to all other subs/slaves.  However, I can be "just me" because I am no one else but me, what you see is what you get.

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It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/11/2007 3:50:55 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx

Personally, I think that being "just a sub" is both a measure of low self-esteem and also denigrating to all other subs/slaves.  However, I can be "just me" because I am no one else but me, what you see is what you get.


Not trying to pick on you, but you sum up a sore spot well.

Why does the desire to be just a slave make such a person weak?  Why should they be pitied?  What is it about their choice to be 'just' marks their submission inferior?  What part of "I want to be just a slave" denigrates anyone else, when the clear implication is that choice is for that person, and that person alone?

We often say there is no one right way to submit.  Why must we turn around and vilify so many 'wrong' ways to submit.  If the choice to submit is made intelligently, rationally, or even foolishly and rashly, it's still an adult decision and merits respect as such.

Stephan






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Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/11/2007 4:22:13 AM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline
i'm really not trying to be argumentative or condescending here, so please understand that...And perhaps it's because i'm a pretty literal person at times... But, somehow i think we've misconstrued the meaning of the word just...Here's how dictionary.com defines the word just:
         1.guided by truth, reason, justice, and fairness: We hope to be just in our understanding of such difficult situations.
        2.done or made according to principle; equitable; proper: a just reply. 
       3.based on right; rightful; lawful: a just claim.
       4.in keeping with truth or fact; true; correct: a just analysis.
       5.given or awarded rightly; deserved, as a sentence, punishment, or reward: a just penalty.
       6.in accordance with standards or requirements; proper or right: just proportions. 
       7.actual, real, or genuine.
–adverb 
    8.within a brief preceding time; but a moment before: The sun just came out. 
    9.exactly or precisely: This is just what I mean. 
   10.by a narrow margin; barely: The arrow just missed the mark. 
   11.only or merely: He was just a clerk until he became ambitious. 
    12.actually; really; positively: The weather is just glorious

When seen in this light is it really so bad to be "just" a sub? Or "just" a person?  This is actually a discussion many of my friends and i have had...When i leave them voice mail's i generally say something along the lines of, "Hey it's just __insert name here_"  Does that mean that i somehow feel like this lowly person? No, it means it's just me...No need to worry...No need to freak out, it's simply me...
i don't know if this makes any sense or not..Perhaps i'm just looking at the semantics invioved...


< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 8/11/2007 4:27:06 AM >

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/11/2007 6:38:42 AM   
BeingChewsie


Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		Using quick reply:

I spent a long time as just property, in fact living on the lowest wrung of the property pecking order in this household, pets and cars ranked above me. It is what I belived I wanted and frankly deserved, it was my way to be his(which I wanted more than anything). If he had not kept me that way I don't think we would of lasted. I wasn't in a place to handle it. I wanted to be kept like I lived in a death camp. I wouldn't chalk it up to low self esteem, it was something though, something in my wiring that said "this is normal". Slowly he started changing things, so that I could see and experience something else. I had a picture in my mind of slavery and enslavement..he has been unraveling that for years. About 6 months ago we were out having dinner in this very romantic Italian place, and all of a sudden it hit me how much I had changed, how I was comfortable in that position with him, I said to him  "You are turning my enslavement upside down on its head.", He replied "That is the beauty of ownership I can alter things any way I like". I went from being just property living below everything else to his wife( and not just in name only)...I'm still owned, still managed, but I don't need to be just his property anymore.

I won't pretend to know why other people choose to be just property but I did it because it is what felt normal and what I believed I deserved and because it was the only way I stood a chance of ever having him at the time.

< Message edited by BeingChewsie -- 8/11/2007 6:40:09 AM >

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"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/11/2007 6:07:01 PM   
Joseff


Posts: 505
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline 		Can you be "just a ____"? Even to yourself? Someone might see you that way, but does everyone? Maybe everyone sees you as something different. If you see yourself that way, Its probably because that's the way you want to see it. Or perhaps you have some self esteem issues.
Joseff

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/20/2007 5:31:04 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		First, thanks for all your replies and sorry about the hit and run post with no follow up.

I suppose what was rubbing me the wrong way about the idea of "just a sub" is that I've never found being a submissive all that easy even when I was hell bent on doing just that and only that.  For a long time, I wasn't all that interested in being a friend, lover or girlfriend and it was hard to find a willing partner.  I managed for a year or so in a long distance relationship and another shorter one that was also long distance.  I think the success was due to the fact that in both cases, we had very limited face to face interaction.  Its not all that easy to focus on power exchange and only power exchange.

Even though I've stopped trying to achieve some pure D/s relationship (at this point, I'm not all that sure why I was so hell bent in that direction except that it seemed like a really good idea at the time) I notice I start to get grumpy and pouty when I'm feeling like just a girlfriend.  I don't wanna be just a girlfriend.   I want to be his s.  Imagine that.  :)

< Message edited by gypsygrl -- 8/20/2007 5:32:35 PM >

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RE: Nothing more than, only and just... - 8/20/2007 5:51:09 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Well, I guess I'm a bit backward--someone may be "just My guy"--but " he IS My sub"--that holds a very very special place of honor.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 8/20/2007 5:52:00 PM >

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