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For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 11:14:28 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		In this lifestyle in the past.. I have come across somethings in the D's lifestyle in the past.  Agendas of Dom's, Dommes ,subs.. when first meeting them. have always went through that slow courtship ritual of getting to know them. even ones with stables. think one of must humiliating times was when i bought some latex undies for a domme and she gave them to another sub.. that was a nice  burn.. So in short my question to you is when do you know a D's relationship is right one for you.. what are the warning signs you need to exit fast..

< Message edited by LATEXBABY64 -- 8/8/2007 11:20:14 AM >
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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 11:30:35 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Posting for MasterFireMaam as she is still on her journey home:
My mother's advice: Ask yourself two questions. Would you miss her if she were gone? Is being in the relationship healthy for you? If the answer to either of these questions is no, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. What you need to do is see judge if you are getting a good barter or if you are selling yourself. They are very close to the same thing. A good barter means that you are getting something of equal value in return for what you give. Selling yourself means you are you're giving one thing to manipulate your partner into giving something and/or you're basing your self worth on the value of what they give you. This is an unequal barter, obviously.

It's ok to try to make it work, but expecting your partner to change is unfair. Change is hard and therefore unlikely. If you can't accept her as she is now and be fulfilled, it's ok to say, "I love you, but you're not healthy for me."

Master Fire

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 1:06:34 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		Well take me back and slap me stupid.  "Mother's advice"?  I had no idea. *S*

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D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 3:17:29 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Donna, MFM isn't LA's mother. I think LA was posting ~for~ MFM.

~chuckle~

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 3:31:34 PM   
MsSophie


Posts: 142
Joined: 3/26/2006
From: Stockholm, Sweden
Status: offline 		I'd say it depends on what you're looking for in the relationship. Are you looking for a short term thing, or for something to last a lifetime?
For the short term one I'd say that you should stick around for as long as you're having fun and bugger off when the fun stops.
If you're looking for a lifetime you need to find a person who is your best friend first, and your lover second. That friendship is what will carry you over the times when libido is low (and it is for everyone sooner or later). I think that is the way to make it, be it a D/s relationship or not...

When you find a best friend, who you also want to serve/be served by, then you know it's right!
When you feel you have nothing to say to your partner, for a long time,  it's time to call it quits...


_____________________________

My site: http://www.euro-kink.com

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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 3:50:54 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

 what are the warning signs you need to exit fast..  


A chain saw sticking out of the toy bag
Shows up for a first meet and doesn’t have teeth (true story)
During dinner he mentions enemas
He says, ‘no I’ve never actually held a whip in my hand……….but it’s not rocket science’  (another true story)


_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 4:04:52 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I can only speak from my own experience and tell you the signs I use to govern my own relationships.   Even the healthiest person sometimes has trouble recognizing when they are being harmed in a relationship.  So while I can only speak for myself, I offer my perspective in hopes that it might provide new insite into another's relationship that can help them see their own situation a bit more clearly.
(yep that's my little disclaimer...sorta read at your own risk thing).

In the strictest hedonistic self-serving perspective - one asks themselves: What am I getting out of it, and is the exchange worth the effort.  If you weigh the pro's and con's HONESTLY and they do not at the very least balance out, perhaps it is time to jet.  I have one sex-toy who happens to be a long-term friend that I adore, but I know that when we go out to lunch, or see a movie or have sex that our relationship is purely self-serving for each of us.   This is not a healthy relationship if I suffer from insecurity that leaves me believing that I'm only worthy of such a relationship and no one can ever love me for who I am and want me for more than just sex.  Which at one time I did and on occaision still do.  However, its safe for me and fun and I love knowing that if I want or need a good banging without BDSM or strings attached, I can call him up and drag his butt over!  It is not, however, something that I'm willing to settle for and so eventually I know that the reationship will likely end.  One should not settle long-term for a thing that they know does not fulfill them.  That is not to say settling for a season isn't fun and accetable.  Just know when the season changes, and accept that knowledge with grace and responsibility.  Again, my perspective, my philosophy and certainly not all encompassing on what EVERYONE should be doing. 

Harm - If my trust is damaged in a relationship, and I am harmed emotionally or physically, I will end a relationship.  I use the word harm, because I expect in varying degrees when loving and giving, to be hurt.  Hurts happen.Hurts heal.  Harm damages and is neglect and/or abuse (in my opinion) and something that I do not allow in my own relationships. 


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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 4:14:10 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline


what are the warning signs you need to exit fast..  

With all these rational, intelligent posts, why should I follow suit *GRIN*?

A DOM's warning signs:

1.  She talks about her amputation fantasies on the first meeting (true story)
2.  She has "SLAVE 4 LIFE" tattooed on her back, and four..no FIVE...names below crossed out.
3.  "Oh, I can't meet you where I live because I live in a shelter" (true story)
4.  It wasn't the 8 page "D/s relationship contract" that threw me off, it was that she brought her lawyer...
...and her accountant?
5.  She asks for money.
6.  "I'm under the protection of LordDarkHighHorse, and he says that before I meet you he has to meet with you and check you out."

etc.

E.


_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to catize)
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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 4:14:49 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

Donna, MFM isn't LA's mother. I think LA was posting ~for~ MFM.

~chuckle~


lmao...whew.  after I posted that I perved em both...and they are only about 11 years different in age.  I read that post totally wrong *S*

Sorry to both of you ladies!

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 4:16:19 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance


Harm - If my trust is damaged in a relationship, and I am harmed emotionally or physically, I will end a relationship.  I use the word harm, because I expect in varying degrees when loving and giving, to be hurt.  Hurts happen.Hurts heal.  Harm damages and is neglect and/or abuse (in my opinion) and something that I do not allow in my own relationships. 




that is a interesting one. we all say things in the heat of anger we do not mean or things out of fustration.. so what i am curious about in that context what would be emotionally damaging

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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 4:17:28 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

A chain saw sticking out of the toy bag
Shows up for a first meet and doesn’t have teeth (true story)
During dinner he mentions enemas
He says, ‘no I’ve never actually held a whip in my hand……….but it’s not rocket science’  (another true story)

 
YEOUCH!  Shouldn't someone be required to get a license to wield those things?  A permit at least? 
 
I once met a guy from online who flew from Florida to meet me.  He came in the guise as a Dominant, but within 30 minutes of our hotel stay, I found he was bottoming to me.  I was honestly surprised to glance over and see myself the one wielding the flogger (which is an art, not a science!)  I had every expectation of his being a Dominant. I mean, his Screen Name was SlaveMaster or something like that.  I didn't mind, actually enjoyed the visit but I really REALLY had wanted him to be 'The ONE" who could take me places.  In this case there were signs that at the time I was simply too inexperienced to pick up on.  His fascination with my previous experience as a Pro Domme was one of them and how often he had steered the conversation toward that should have at least prepared me for the role.  Oh well.  No reason to run in this case.   Wasn't a bad experience.  Just not what was on my Agenda :)  Yep, I had one.  I confess that freely.
 

 
 

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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 4:18:47 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956



6.  "I'm under the protection of LordDarkHighHorse, and he says that before I meet you he has to meet with you and check you out."

etc.

E.




i have dom domme friends that have went through that animal

(in reply to Emperor1956)
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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 4:29:33 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I hate to broach this subject, honestly, because what I personally consider Harm other's would consider heaven!  For me, harm is something that damages my self-esteem.  I will give an example, its the best I know to explain my perspective.

When I was married, a few weeks before I left my husband he did two specific things that harmed me.

1)  He sat across from me and out of the blue, very calmly looked me in the eyes and said:  "You are nothing but a worthless bitch, you know that?"

2)  He took my dog out into the back yard and bludgeoned it to death, then left it there to show our young boys when they came home school.  He told them, and mysef if we didn't straighten up, they were next.

Harm.

There are more subtle forms of harm however.  And again, it is difficult to express them in such a wide forum without stepping on other's toes because some individuals seek extremes that I find personally harmful, but for them those situations are ideal.

However, I will give another example.

I once fell in love with a couple who woo'ed me into their household.  It wasn't my first experience in a poly reationship but it was my first experience in falling in love with a woman.  I later, and very soon learned that their interest in me wasn't really shared emotionally.  They had needed me for my income to add to their household.  This broke my heart, destroyed my trust in them and left me feeling used and lied to.  I adore these people to this day.  Want only the best for them and still love them but the harm done to my faith in MYSELF, left me unable to stay long-term in their household.  To be fair and offer the alternate side to this relationship, if I asked myself whether what I DID get out of it as worth the effort, at the time I would have to say yes.  I would have moved in with them under less romantic terms, but it was not the expectation I went into the relationship having.

Harm.

I hope this helps clarify.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)
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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 4:34:52 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

I hate to broach this subject, honestly, because what I personally consider Harm other's would consider heaven!  For me, harm is something that damages my self-esteem.  I will give an example, its the best I know to explain my perspective.

When I was married, a few weeks before I left my husband he did two specific things that harmed me.

1)  He sat across from me and out of the blue, very calmly looked me in the eyes and said:  "You are nothing but a worthless bitch, you know that?"

2)  He took my dog out into the back yard and bludgeoned it to death, then left it there to show our young boys when they came home school.  He told them, and mysef if we didn't straighten up, they were next.

Harm.

There are more subtle forms of harm however.  And again, it is difficult to express them in such a wide forum without stepping on other's toes because some individuals seek extremes that I find personally harmful, but for them those situations are ideal.

However, I will give another example.

I once fell in love with a couple who woo'ed me into their household.  It wasn't my first experience in a poly reationship but it was my first experience in falling in love with a woman.  I later, and very soon learned that their interest in me wasn't really shared emotionally.  They had needed me for my income to add to their household.  This broke my heart, destroyed my trust in them and left me feeling used and lied to.  I adore these people to this day.  Want only the best for them and still love them but the harm done to my faith in MYSELF, left me unable to stay long-term in their household.  To be fair and offer the alternate side to this relationship, if I asked myself whether what I DID get out of it as worth the effort, at the time I would have to say yes.  I would have moved in with them under less romantic terms, but it was not the expectation I went into the relationship having.

Harm.

I hope this helps clarify.


Huggles you i am sorry you went thought that.. no one should have to go through that..but those are good examples

< Message edited by LATEXBABY64 -- 8/8/2007 4:35:23 PM >

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)
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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 4:40:22 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		I wish that I could think of anything better to say but I can't. I'm so sorry for what you went through and I hope that your future is beautiful.

Very best wishes,
Aqua

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)
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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 5:01:32 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you for the concern and compassion.  It is very kind of each of you. 

All that is old stuff and lessons long learned.  I sort of kicked myself for sharing it, because I never want anyone to consider me a victim or think too long on the negative. 

I  feel very compelled to say that I was blessed in loving a beautiful couple and blessed to share in their lives even for a short time.  Ido not regret it at all. 

My future is beautiful.  Please do not feel badly for harm that has healed.  I only offer the experience to clarify where I am coming from.  In my own personal beliefs and expectations.




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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 5:26:53 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

In this lifestyle in the past.. I have come across somethings in the D's lifestyle in the past.  Agendas of Dom's, Dommes ,subs.. when first meeting them. have always went through that slow courtship ritual of getting to know them. even ones with stables. think one of must humiliating times was when i bought some latex undies for a domme and she gave them to another sub.. that was a nice  burn.. So in short my question to you is when do you know a D's relationship is right one for you.. what are the warning signs you need to exit fast..


I admit I have an agenda when I go to meet someone...whether it is to get to know them (the usual beginnings) or to have dinner before we play or etc..  I never go to meet anyone without an idea in my head about what might happen and that comes about from speaking to them about all that could happen and which parts of that they have no problem with.

Now...things that would make me exit fast...

1.  First meeting.  She asks how long she should plan on waiting before she gets a collar because "only then, could she truly submit".  True story

2.  Second meeting.  She brought out a list of questions her mentor had told her would be a good test of my dominant qualities.  True story

3.  First meeting...she asks whether or not I would discipline a submissive who forgot her place and called me names and threw things at me "because she loses control when she gets angry and is glad she does because she feels so much better afterwards".  True story

4.  First meeting.  She has a list of the ways I must prove my dominance in order to "win her gift of submission" including (but not limited to):  being willing to work hard enough that she could stay at home or work only part time...so she could devote herself to ME.  Being willing to do the heavy work around the house and occasionally help with "her" chores when getting caught up with being "devoted" to me in one area prevented her fulfilling those other chores.  True story

5.  First meeting.  She has many of the same likes in play that I do but admits to a realllllllll yen for being marked for the first time by someone she trusts....and she already trusts me.  This is where I screwed up...as has been noted before on threads long ago.  I DID play (God, she was so hot and good at bringing the beast out in me, but wait...there's more) and awoke to the sound of my bag landing near my head the next morning and her telling me that she had just checked her ass in the mirror and if I did not clear out of her place in 10 minutes, by the 11th minute she would be on the phone to the cops.


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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 5:38:54 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

   "Oh, I can't meet you where I live because I live in a shelter" (true story) 


"(s)he's lookin' fer that home and Ah hope (s)he finds it"  Janis Joplin

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 5:41:37 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

 see myself the one wielding the flogger (which is an art, not a science!)  


Agreed!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)
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RE: For The Love of Nothing - 8/8/2007 5:45:43 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		When you are ready to let someone tie you up, and you glance over at the bedstand and see a syringe and a suspicious looking vial lying beside it.  (True Story)

Still got my tail tucked between my legs over that one. And no, he wasn't diabetic.

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 8/8/2007 5:51:44 PM >

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