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I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 9:50:33 AM   
Grechen


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/4/2006
Status: offline 		I've heard it said, "Be careful what you wish for." That is SO true.

So, I've been dating this guy for 5 months. When we initially got together, we wrote out a contract and I even wore a collar for him. Then there was a freak out on his part and he ran off for a few days but then came back. Once he came back he said we should hold off on the 24/7 stuff until we've worked some things out. Fair enough, I thought. Now I've been trying to instill how serious I am about it for the last 5 months and now after one day of 24/7 a few days I realized that I was having some reservations myself. Mostly because I spent 5 months telling him, in no lack of detail and at his request, what I want. But after bearing my soul for so long and getting almost neglected in return, I'm scared to just say that I now trust him completely and without doubt.

He's given me an ultimatum that we either move into being 24/7 or we should break it off entirely. I've suggested that we write out another contract and start out there since I'm having a hard time just throwing myself on him (again) all at once. He hasen't taken this response very well. I want to be 24/7 with him, I'm just not able to make the change all at once. I'm looking for some outside perspective, but not a pat on the back. Am I being reasonable? Is he?
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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 9:59:58 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I would say that if your first contract did not work out right for you both then it would be foolish to use the same contract and expect different results.

It is never foolish to want to start fresh nor to reevaluate things in my strong opinion.

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(in reply to Grechen)
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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 10:02:19 AM   
Grechen


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/4/2006
Status: offline 		In general, I would agree. I'd say the reason it didn't work was a special circumstance though. And I know that sounds like a cop-out. 

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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 10:25:54 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I would say it's renegotiating.  Sometimes when you 'agree' on something, it isn't necessarily after having experienced it.  The act itself changes how you feel about it, for example.

You tried some things.  Some worked, 'something' didn't (either at the time, or something you aren't ready for quite yet).  You have to decide your own deal-breakers (as does he).

If you can't come to some sort of agreement on activities or timeframe, then you're at an impasse.  If he's impatient, he knows what he can do.  If you accept just so he won't run off leaving you high and dry, be prepared for that which you are unprepared.

Jeff

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(in reply to Grechen)
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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 10:30:28 AM   
Grechen


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/4/2006
Status: offline 		I will not do this if I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for it, that's for sure. Thanks for the comment.

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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 10:35:34 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Ultimatums should never be given ... problems should be worked on together.

I'd choose the highway.

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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 10:52:42 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		He does seem to have some serious weakness in the conflict resolution domain- seems like it's "run away" or "give me what I want now or it's over."

Which usually means the person is freaked out and scared.

I'd say you present him with the option of making a new game plan together and seeing where that takes you.  Discuss the fact that relationships grow over time and is not just a matter of "now or never" and that dealing with problems needs to be more than just a one sentence response.

If he seems open to that, then great.  If not, you have to decide if that's the type of person/behavior which will work for you.

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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 11:13:26 AM   
Damocles809


Posts: 532
Joined: 7/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Grechen

Am I being reasonable? Is he?



No, and no. 

5 months then demanding 2/47 or nothing?  That's insane. 

5 months of being neglected and putting up with it?  That's insane too. 

Not sure whether to say it's a horrible idea, whether it's a perfect match. 

(in reply to Grechen)
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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 11:16:45 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		Seems like it's time to put up or shut up. You've been telling him you wanted it for 5 months and now that he wants it, you're scared? Seems like you want it only on your terms.

thats my take on it anyway.

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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 11:29:24 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		It's not 'great' that he has given you an ultimatum - but they happen.
Reasonable? - not really.  But you haven't acted reasonably either from what I read here.
I have to say if I was him, I would let you go because your basically messing him around and want things on your terms only.  You should have seriously thought about what may occur if he had come back to you, like he has... this way you have just played with his emotions and now are ready to jump ship just because it doesn't 'suit' you now?  You say he neglected you and yet you put up with that - but why?  It just seems like alot of head messing all around.
 
I am with Mr D on this.
 
Peace
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Grechen)
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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 4:01:46 PM   
mythi


Posts: 257
Joined: 2/25/2007
From: Naples, FL
Status: offline 		I couldnt, wouldnt trust someone who flip-flopped that much that fast either.  But it doesnt sound to me, from what you're saying here, that either one of you are healthy, stable, and grounded enough to form a good 24/7 D/s relationship.  Nothing wrong with that, it just seems that either you aren't ready or he's not the one...maybe both.  Either way I say slow down.  And if he won't slow down, then stop.

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(in reply to Grechen)
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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 4:25:37 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		I hate to say this, but I don't think it matters if we think the ultimatum is acceptable, fair, or right.  What matters, is how you respond to that ultimatum.

Something I believe regarding M/s, is that often the end justifies the means.  Not everyone expects, desires, craves, or requires the sort of agreement that is often the hallmark of healthy relationships.  As I write this, I can think of three regular posters here on CM who are content in their relationships as slaves, because they do not have the ability to negotiate and renegotiate.

Personally, though, it does sound like this situation is being driven by his own insecurity.  You can give it a try his way, you can beg him to try it your way, or you can go your own way though.  There's really not much room for anything else.  You'll have to answer for yourself how much you really do trust this man.

Stephan


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(in reply to mythi)
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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 5:27:28 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		I think anyone who gives an ultamatum like that deserves to be alone. I dont react well to ultamatus and ill usualy wind up walking away. Ultamatums are a selfish manipulative childish way of trying to get your way. They are emotional black mail. I think you should think long and hard about starting a relationship with someone so flipent about your feelings. Seems to me he didnt care how you felt from day one. Id be long gone, but thats just me.

ms

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If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Stephann)
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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 5:35:20 PM   
Madderquoise


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		It sounds like you've both made mistakes and at least learned a little bit from them. Making a fresh start sounds like a very good idea- but it should be something that both of you work out. Not just you making a list and checking it twice, and not just him saying 'this, or nothing'. Communication is key in any relationship, and if you can't work out a new beginning as a team, perhaps it is better to walk away.

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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 6:29:22 PM   
Rockwell


Posts: 63
Status: offline 		Nothing wrong with a fresh start. Its a beautiful thing.

(in reply to Madderquoise)
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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 6:39:11 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		I've tried to read most of the posts people have made so far.  Thought I'd make a few comments with my own thoughts.

Ultimatums
Personally these can force somebody who's going back and fourth to make a decision.  Sure, ultimatums suck.   It's not fun giving them as much as it is getting one.  However, at times there is a place and need for dishing out an Ultimatum.

24/7 Lifestyle
This is not something to rush into with thought and consideration.  You said he freaked out and ran off for a bit, then came back and wanted to work things out before picking up 24/7 again?   Did these issues get resolved or not?  If they did, then you should have no more worries about these issues still being a problem.  If they did not honestly get worked out, then there still is a problem.   Work out this problem before agreeing to it.

You've told him over and over again, what you want and are looking for, Right? Did he or did he not agree with what you are looking for?  If he can not give you or is unwilling to be the ONE you are looking for.  Simply put, you will be entering a relationship that is doomed.   In short, you will find yourself thinking about finding another DOM down the road that will be the DOM of your dreams.

You used the word neglected in your OP, this is a rather strong word.  Sub/slaves that feel neglected often will be wanting to end things, or should I say rather unsubmit.    Submission is a bit of a tricky thing, you might find yourself mentally unsubmitting to him and end up fighting with yourself trying to submit yourself to him fully.    Call it a mental mind fuck you'll end up going through.

Whenever a sub/slave looses respect for thier Master/Dom, it does strange things to the relationship. 

It's ok if you can't make changes all at once, it takes time for different levels of power to be exchanged in a relationship, trust is one of the issues involved.  It takes time to fully trust somebody else.  Trust is something earned and built upon and not cheaply and freely given.

Doing up another contract, that outlines expectations and rules is not a bad idea.  He should look at it like a revised version of the previous contract or rules.  The contract and rules are just not for a slave/sub to follow, a Master will be following this as well.

In terms of stressful or wacked out situations that have happened, I've been known to simply suspend things and put everything into a neutral vanilla state, until the issues were resolved.  I don't know how others view doing this, if it's good or bad.  But I've found it useful to vanilla out for a bit.   I think I would have done the same thing as your Master did, in terms of suspend the 24/7 D/s until issues were resolved.   The bitch it switching back out of Vanilla mode into M/s mode again. 




(in reply to Grechen)
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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 6:44:59 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile


Ultimatums
Personally these can force somebody who's going back and fourth to make a decision.  Sure, ultimatums suck.   It's not fun giving them as much as it is getting one.  However, at times there is a place and need for dishing out an Ultimatum.




I agree here.  Ultimatums suck when you don't get the result you were aiming for, but on the other hand, if you weren't getting it anyway, maybe it was time to move on, and the ultimatum gives you the kick you needed to do it.
I can't think of one time in my entire life where the "negative" result of an ultimatum didn't turn out for the better, anyway. 

The only thing about giving an ultimatum....you have to make sure you are ready to follow through with the alternative of what you are giving the ultimatum for.  If you say "if you don't blah blah blah by Christmas, then I'm moving out New Years Day", you better have a new place to sleep lined up.  Otherwise, your credibility goes right out the window. 

On the other hand, don't make ultimatums you can't deliver.  If you say "if you don't propose to me by Valentine's Day, I"m going to run off with the next person who walks through the door, and the next person to walk through the door is that guy who wears a football helmet while he drives a tractor all over town, well.....

< Message edited by windchymes -- 8/1/2007 6:51:57 PM >

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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 7:03:17 PM   
Grechen


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/4/2006
Status: offline
quote:


In terms of stressful or wacked out situations that have happened, I've been known to simply suspend things and put everything into a neutral vanilla state, until the issues were resolved. I don't know how others view doing this, if it's good or bad. But I've found it useful to vanilla out for a bit. I think I would have done the same thing as your Master did, in terms of suspend the 24/7 D/s until issues were resolved. The bitch it switching back out of Vanilla mode into M/s mode again.


The funk has been worked through. And after giving him space to cool down a bit, he's agreed to move more slowly at a pace we are both comfortable with. I would absolutly leave him if he were unwilling to compromise when it comes to expressing his needs and communicate honestly. Now that we've gotten through the emotional roller coaster we can resume the open honest conversation that has made the past 5 months worthwhile. I've written a contract that he sees little need to make changes to, and we are both learning to walk with mutual respect and love.

Only time will tell if the switch from vanilla back to M/s will be possible for us.


(in reply to windchymes)
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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 7:10:51 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		To the OP..sounds to me as if communication has broken down..You both may be talking, but I wonder if anyone is listening?..Tempting

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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 7:27:58 PM   
LordSirDomlyDom


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/25/2007
From: England originally
Status: offline 		OK...in my own defence I have to clarify My little angel's original posting. A couple of days ago she told Me quite plainly that she wanted to give herself to Me completely, wholeheartedly and without reservation. I was elated, to say the least, and naturally accepted her submission. We discussed taking the next month or so to come up with a suitable contract, and all seemed well.

24 hours later she told Me she felt she couldn't trust Me sufficiently to be Mine completely and wanted to take more time. I admit I felt betrayed, and I reacted a little harshly, telling her she either stuck to her commitment or there was no point in continuing the relationship. This was the ultimatum she mentioned. At the time it seemed a reasonable position for Me to take, but in hindsight I was reacting out of wounded pride rather than rationality.

Anyway, as she says, we're working on a more measured progression into a 100% M/s situation, which I believe will ultimately be successful. I love her too much to screw this up.

(in reply to Grechen)
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