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RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 7:37:04 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I dont know that an ultimatum given in the heat of the moment is really one to be taken this seriously. A wounded pride can cause someone to say something they realy dont mean.

After this long of making demands, talking about it... it was all stil theory. You had one day of ACTUAL experience and then you realized maybe there was a midle ground you missed somewhere.  It happens. Take a step back and pick up somewhere between the very beginning and the 24/7. Frequent visits, maybe?  Rethink your contract, or even the need for one.   See what actually works for you, and work on that rather than deciding which lifestyle you want and trying to force your actual situation to fit that.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to LordSirDomlyDom)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 7:42:48 PM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		It still sounds like she is in charge...just my POV and perspective ~~
 
after giving him space to cool down a bit, he's agreed to move more slowly at a pace we are both comfortable with. I would absolutly leave him if he were unwilling to compromise when it comes to expressing his needs and communicate honestly. Now that we've gotten through the emotional roller coaster we can resume the open honest conversation that has made the past 5 months worthwhile.  I read it was a period when he neglected you?  I've witten aontract that he sees little need to make changes to, and we are both learning to walk with mutual respect and love.


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With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to LordSirDomlyDom)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 7:59:59 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Just as a thought, I'm willing to compromise on certain requirements.  I am not willing to compromise my expectations.  As a dominant, failing to remain committed to certain ideals and beliefs that I feel are necessary, makes me wishy washy, and unable to lead.  A general cannot go into battle, and be willing to compromise every time there's a boo boo.  The ultimate goals must still be achieved.

Certainly many submissives will respect a man more for compromising.  Yet, there will certainly be no small number, who do not want a compromising dominant.

It's not a question of right or wrong, it's a question of preference of style.

Stephan


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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to shyinini)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 8:57:43 PM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shyinini

It still sounds like she is in charge...just my POV and perspective ~~
 
Yup. he sounds like a whipped little girl to me.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to shyinini)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 10:04:19 PM   
Grechen


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/4/2006
Status: offline 		I am only in charge of making sure that I enter into a relationship that serves my needs. Beyond that, nah.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 10:10:18 PM   
LordSirDomlyDom


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/25/2007
From: England originally
Status: offline 		Ya know, the great thing about relationships is there's no absolute "right" way to conduct them. How we're handling this seems, thus far, to be working. Frankly, My machismo is not so out of control that I can't compromise for the sake of the person I love. Whether people think I'm a pussy-whipped wuss or a caring considerate Owner really is irrelevant to Me, as My sole concern is the ongoing success of our relationship in a way that works for both of us. What other people think is immaterial.

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I have an ulterior motive for my hidden agenda

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/1/2007 10:50:58 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		5 months is not a long time for most reasonable and rational people to make such a major move.
You are being smart for holding back.
Don't let him threaten, bully or rush you.
Don't even consider moving, until you are ready and comfortable in that situation.
Good luck Gretchen

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Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Grechen)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/4/2007 2:05:47 PM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Grechen

I've heard it said, "Be careful what you wish for." That is SO true.

So, I've been dating this guy for 5 months. When we initially got together, we wrote out a contract and I even wore a collar for him. Then there was a freak out on his part and he ran off for a few days but then came back. Once he came back he said we should hold off on the 24/7 stuff until we've worked some things out. Fair enough, I thought. Now I've been trying to instill how serious I am about it for the last 5 months and now after one day of 24/7 a few days I realized that I was having some reservations myself. Mostly because I spent 5 months telling him, in no lack of detail and at his request, what I want. But after bearing my soul for so long and getting almost neglected in return, I'm scared to just say that I now trust him completely and without doubt.

He's given me an ultimatum that we either move into being 24/7 or we should break it off entirely. I've suggested that we write out another contract and start out there since I'm having a hard time just throwing myself on him (again) all at once. He hasen't taken this response very well. I want to be 24/7 with him, I'm just not able to make the change all at once. I'm looking for some outside perspective, but not a pat on the back. Am I being reasonable? Is he?



Hello Grechen. What's the rush? 5 months dating? and now full time 24/7? Do you really think a contract will change anything?

Quote: "I'm scared to just say that I now trust him completely and without doubt.
"Saying" is one thing you find "scary, imagine actually "doing" trust with no doubt full time.

Quote: "Am I being reasonable? Is he? "
No you are not being reasonable. He is not being reasonable. You should be "reasonable together", once you "reasonably" know each other enough for it to feel right. It is not the case at this stage (5months) as both your flip flops clearly demonstrate.

Again why would you want to rush into this? Ultimatums do not work, informed "consent" does. RL.



(in reply to Grechen)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/4/2007 2:21:23 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Ok so here is My $.02---put all the BDSM aside----do you, as two people in the world, have a relationship together as you look at each other---without the BDSM, do you want to be together? That is where you need to start, IMHO, the 24/7 is only icing on the cake, but if there is no relationship that can stand on its own merit, things will continue to spiral downward.

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SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to Grechen)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/4/2007 2:31:46 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Ok so here is My $.02---put all the BDSM aside----do you, as two people in the world, have a relationship together as you look at each other---without the BDSM, do you want to be together? That is where you need to start, IMHO, the 24/7 is only icing on the cake, but if there is no relationship that can stand on its own merit, things will continue to spiral downward.


Couldn't have said it better myself.
And I am curious why a Dom who says he isn't concerned about what other people think, has to come on here to give his side of the story.

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Boycott Whales!

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/4/2007 5:44:41 PM   
freex


Posts: 28
Joined: 1/20/2005
Status: offline 		Consider this, if this happens after five months and your partner has a obtuse way of remembering a chain of events. I think either they should seek counseling or first work on issues at heart before attempting to walk to a D/s lifestyle.

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-------
Domina ad porta liberatae mae

(in reply to Estring)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/4/2007 7:41:11 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

I hate to say this, but I don't think it matters if we think the ultimatum is acceptable, fair, or right.  What matters, is how you respond to that ultimatum.


 
Truer words were never put to cyberspace.
 
Good luck!
 
Sinergy
 

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"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/4/2007 9:46:31 PM   
lonlyrossInNeed


Posts: 3144
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		LA you say it all the time you say it right and you have it right on the dot i agree with LA
 
ross.g
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

He does seem to have some serious weakness in the conflict resolution domain- seems like it's "run away" or "give me what I want now or it's over."

Which usually means the person is freaked out and scared.

I'd say you present him with the option of making a new game plan together and seeing where that takes you.  Discuss the fact that relationships grow over time and is not just a matter of "now or never" and that dealing with problems needs to be more than just a one sentence response.

If he seems open to that, then great.  If not, you have to decide if that's the type of person/behavior which will work for you.


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To know what pain is hurts the most
pain is not just a wound in your flesh
pain is a dagger in your heart

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/4/2007 11:01:07 PM   
themischievous1


Posts: 151
Joined: 4/3/2005
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyinini

It still sounds like she is in charge...just my POV and perspective ~~
 
Yup. he sounds like a whipped little girl to me.

You know, the above is the kind of thing that always grates on me like fingernails on a chalkboard. I get so absolutely sick of perspectives that appear to insist that a submissive be so "in the background," or to put it another way, that submissive women should not be assertive or directive. If they do present that way and a dominant male allows them to use these personality traits in their D/s relationship, he is then seen as a weak dominant or a "pussy whipped little girl" as evidenced by the other end of the extreme, the perspective of Mr. Macho, in the outer box above.

No, I'm likely never going to get over my annoyance at the boxing we do of other human beings when we demand that they damn well better fit into their given labels that we've carefully analyzed, re-analyzed, and defined down to a bloody T. I just HATE that. I find it so incredibly ignorant, unimaginative, and pathetic.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/5/2007 9:37:43 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LordSirDomlyDom

Ya know, the great thing about relationships is there's no absolute "right" way to conduct them. How we're handling this seems, thus far, to be working. Frankly, My machismo is not so out of control that I can't compromise for the sake of the person I love. Whether people think I'm a pussy-whipped wuss or a caring considerate Owner really is irrelevant to Me, as My sole concern is the ongoing success of our relationship in a way that works for both of us. What other people think is immaterial.
Interesting.........but if it didn't matter so much, if it is so immaterial as you say, you wouldn't have felt a need to respond.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to LordSirDomlyDom)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/5/2007 9:47:35 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Grechen

The funk has been worked through. And after giving him space to cool down a bit, he's agreed to move more slowly at a pace we are both comfortable with. I would absolutly leave him if he were unwilling to compromise when it comes to expressing his needs and communicate honestly. Now that we've gotten through the emotional roller coaster we can resume the open honest conversation that has made the past 5 months worthwhile. I've written a contract that he sees little need to make changes to, and we are both learning to walk with mutual respect and love.

Only time will tell if the switch from vanilla back to M/s will be possible for us.



Your profile has him listed as the top, so I hope I'm not making any assumptions with this statement.  What happens the next time when he says X and you don't wish to do X because you told him you wanted Y?  Are you going to freak out, run around, not know what to do and consider bailing on him?  This is as much your issue of yielding your submission to him as it is him being firm and decisive in his actions.  Are you struggling with this because you're focused as a switch (again, from reading your profile) and are second guessing his actions and decisions based on what you'd do as a top????

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Grechen)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/5/2007 9:47:46 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		~deleted~ cuz i changed my mind. 

< Message edited by angelic -- 8/5/2007 9:56:12 AM >

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to LordSirDomlyDom)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: I was waiting, and now I need time. - 8/5/2007 10:01:42 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LordSirDomlyDom

Ya know, the great thing about relationships is there's no absolute "right" way to conduct them. How we're handling this seems, thus far, to be working. Frankly, My machismo is not so out of control that I can't compromise for the sake of the person I love. Whether people think I'm a pussy-whipped wuss or a caring considerate Owner really is irrelevant to Me, as My sole concern is the ongoing success of our relationship in a way that works for both of us. What other people think is immaterial.


Your post would carry more weight if you would have incorporated one more "dom" into your name.....It is a scientific fact that subs respond to the word "dom" when mentioned once, three times or seven times in your "title."....So you would probably experience better results if you changed your name to "LordSirDommishDomlyDom"...Or...."DomLrodSirDomDomDomDomlyDommishDom"....Notice I have taken the liberty of changing "Lord" to "Lrod"...Just seems a tad bit cooler and gives you some needed street cred.

In reality, I would immediately run over to Grechen's house donning a pair of steel toed boots and kick her right in the box for coming out here and airing our shit on a public forum.....Makes you look like a pussy who can't control his beeeyatches....For this faux pas...You probably should be forced to remove any reference to the word "Dom" from your title.... In the future, you should be referred to as simply.. "LrodSir"... Until you can find the day where you can actually get your shit together and your beeeyatch to toe the line.

I hope my post has been of use.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 8/5/2007 10:40:34 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to LordSirDomlyDom)
Profile   Post #: 38
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