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RE: Sex as a reward? - 7/29/2007 7:13:13 PM

mistoferin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
The second reason is that I find sex to be best when it is passionate and yet relaxing. Doing on a schedule or doing it as a reward might result it feeling like it is being forced for one or both of us. That feeling of force, at least on my end of things, is very unerotic, not very passionate, and completely unrelaxing.

tammyjo, I think that is exactly how I would see it too....forced.

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RE: Sex as a reward? - 7/29/2007 7:31:10 PM

Estring

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In my case, my slave loves receiving oral from me probably more than any other type of sex. I reward her for a particularly intense session I may have put her through, or when she has been especially obedient. It doesn't seem to diminish the intensity because it is a reward. She usually cries or passes out.
Of course there are times that I just feel like licking her pussy just because. You know how it is. If she thinks it is because she has been a especially good, far be it for me to say differently.

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Post #: 22

RE: Sex as a reward? - 7/29/2007 8:47:05 PM

Wildfleurs

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
See, I don't get the whole "sex is a reward" concept. I can see where it is rewarding, but not a reward. To me, sex is a mutually fulfilling activity that is shared on a regular basis between two people who are in a loving and committed relationship. It should be spontaneous and not have to be "earned". If someone I was with only gave it to me as a "reward", I would assume that it was not something that they wanted to do because of their own natural desires to do so. "She did a great job scrubbing the floor today, I think I'll give her some dick as a reward". Huh?????? Nope, don't get it. I want sex with my partners to be because they desire it as much as I do.

What are your thoughts on the subject?

For us sex is an earned privilege, but it wasn't as simple as scrubbing the floors or doing one (or even more than one thing). I don't even think there was ever a formula presented for how I could earn sex, how I could earn kisses or any other intimate act. It just happened on his schedule and timetable of when he felt that I had appropriately earned that particular privilege. I definitely asked for it and I remember us talking about it, but for us asking doesn't equal getting it.

Nowadays sex is more a given, but thats because I earned that privilege several years ago, and there are certain things I'm allowed to do to indicate I'm in the mood. It still doesn't mean that I'll get sex (or if I get sex that I get it precisely how I want it), but it never meant, even when I didn't get sex, that I couldn't indicate that I wanted sex. To me it makes complete sense that I'd have to earn that privilege, just like I earned other privileges (like being able to provide service to him).

C~

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RE: Sex as a reward? - 7/29/2007 8:52:52 PM

MzMia

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I concur with what Wildfleurs stated.
Great post, I think it "explains" what some don't seem to "get",
about the reward situation.

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Post #: 24

RE: Sex as a reward? - 7/30/2007 7:51:57 AM

LaTigresse

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Erin, I will answer this as a direct reflection of my own history with a couple of women. However I will focus on one in particular as an example.

Her whole relationship history and her value as a woman was strongly determined by sex. Her skill at sex and also her physical beauty. She was accustomed to feeling that was her only value. Not her mind, not any of her other talents, just her body and what she could do with it. Me being me, knew that I needed to draw the focus away from that to get to the core of who she was and to help her grow and heal from past garbage.

Anytime she became unsure, defensive, anytime I started digging in areas that were uncomfortable for her she would try to divert me with her sexuality. Occasionally I would acknowledge that yes, she was beautiful and yes, I am sure she was very very good in the sack but that was the easy stuff. I wanted from her the hard stuff. When she would accomplish something that was difficult for her, then I would give her some time to go into that mode she was comfortable and confident in. Her sexuality.

So, it wasn't so much that I was withholding sex from her as any sort of punishment or allowing it as a reward. Moreso I was forcing her to delve deeper, find greater value in herself than just sex and physical appearance.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 7/30/2007 7:52:48 AM >

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RE: Sex as a reward? - 7/31/2007 8:07:26 AM

MasterFireMaam

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Rewards only work if they're...well...rewards. So, it will depend on how the sub/slave views sex. For some, it's a need. With those, perhaps a certain sexual activity would be a reward, but sex itself is not. For others, sex isn't a focus in their life at all. For these, they might not view sex as a reward at all because it just doesn't mean that much. Knowing how you work is important in establishing the relationship; if you're a Dominant who wants to use sex this way, you need to find someone who will respond favorably.

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Post #: 26

RE: Sex as a reward? - 7/31/2007 9:02:53 AM

Celeste43

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I like honesty and openness not manipulation. Deciding to rank my efforts and rewarding me with snippets of sexuality is manipulation. So does washing the floor rate one kiss but doing three loads of laundry merit five minutes of hugging? Because I'd want to know what his scale was before I agreed to do anything. But that kind of a relationship is too cold for me, and I would be repelled enough to not want anything touchy from him. Him telling me I have earned a quick fondle wouldn't equal me wanting him to get near me, more the opposite.

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Post #: 27