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RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 7:23:39 AM

WhiplashSmile

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Ok, I was in the middle of typing out my first response, while other things were getting posted here.

If you lied about something major and maintained that lie for a long time, and the truth came out.   Yes, you fucked up.   Trust was shaken. She has every right to question things. I don't know how bad.   Only you and her know the details involved.

I have always had an open door when it comes to hearing somebody confess the truth to me.   It actually helps build my faith and trust in them. However, if I have to find out the ugly truth on my own. It tends to shake my trust.

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RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 8:45:14 AM

MasterFireMaam

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Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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My mother's advice: Ask yourself two questions. Would you miss her if she were gone? Is being in the relationship healthy for you? If the answer to either of these questions is no, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. What you need to do is see judge if you are getting a good barter or if you are selling yourself. They are very close to the same thing. A good barter means that you are getting something of equal value in return for what you give. Selling yourself means you are you're giving one thing to manipulate your partner into giving something and/or you're basing your self worth on the value of what they give you. This is an unequal barter, obviously.

It's ok to try to make it work, but expecting your partner to change is unfair. Change is hard and therefore unlikely. If you can't accept her as she is now and be fulfilled, it's ok to say, "I love you, but you're not healthy for me."

Master Fire

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RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 11:35:42 AM

SlaveMusician

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/7/2005
From: Boston, MA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout

I really feel for you, I had a relationship that I was still deeply involved in go bad from my partner's side. It was extremely painful and took months to pull out of.

My question would be why your Mistress, or ex-Mistress, has decided not to let you leave if she feels the way you say she does about you. If she's in charge, she should take a major role in making the decision with you, not leaving it as yours alone. This is something that would be best talked over together... if she still respects you enough to have serious conversations like this. If she does not feel able to talk about it, then I don't see what choice you have, you can't continue to live with someone who neither likes you nor communicates with you.

In my second post, I said that I'm aware that she doesn't really feel that way about me, and at the time, in frustration, I was blowing things up a little. As for her being in charge and taking a major role. She does and have. When I confessed my huge year long string of lies, she was extremely upset and took several days to evaluate the nature of her feelings, like whether she could ever trust me again after this, if we were just beating a dead horse, or what. Based on the details (which I doubt she'd enjoy me sharing here) she decided that it would be better to give me a chance to validate what I'd told her, and to see if my being honest improved the quality of our relationship. We talk in depth about things regularly, so she does communicate with me. Thanks for the suggestions and advice. I just wanted to be clear and set the record straight since my OP doesn't accurately describe our situation, or my or her feelings. As I said, I was really upset at the time and not viewing things with a clear head.

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RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 11:37:22 AM

SlaveMusician

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Joined: 2/7/2005
From: Boston, MA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

sm, this advice is done to death ... but maybe you would benefit from professional therapy to assist you with your issues of self-esteem and dishonesty. I wish you well in your journey.

Yes, this is something my Mistress has suggested I pursue for a while. I am strongly considering it as an option.

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RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 11:49:37 AM

LATEXBABY64

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My advice is this... get out of the relationship ...Do a cleansing. this is a very common pattern in some of the ds lifestyle relationships... take a step back and look what it was that appealed to you with this domme. Second look at your own rules and value structure the problem with age gap relationships are values and commonalties whiles the sexual part might be fun long term it takes a deep right turn for the worst. relationships work like this the first six months is called the honeymoon phase or the getting know you phase six months to year. everything is new and exciting. in D's critical training is done in this phase. second phase is the bonding or working together to be one critical phase here is what we have from the past to make the future 2-3 this is were most of relationships fail because of the value structure and and life experiences.. also beware of Stockholm syndrome or codependency for someone to make you feel good. you will find what you seek once you shed your demons. you have learn a lot from this domme take that and run with it but your end all be all is waiting in the future namaste

all good PE come from good balanced realtionships

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RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 11:53:50 AM

SlaveMusician

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From: Boston, MA
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SimplyMichael,

Thank you for your insight. This is something that my Mistress has expressed to me often. Its hard to have that perspective though while you are in the middle of making mistakes.

WhiplashSmile: Your first post had a lot of things for me to consider. My Mistress has suggested before that I might not be ready or responsible enough for TPE, however she says that is the kind of thing that only I can know, and so her part of being in the relationship is trusting me to sort that out and make that choice on my own. As for your second post I get caught up in dealing with the fact that I've screwed up this situation and see the consequences, but in the moment sometimes I lose sight of this. She says she needs time, and I lose track, I guess my perspective is that since I don't know how much time she needs, it feels like she may need forever, even though she assures me that she has her own time limits set. This lie was something that I'd confessed a year ago, and said I wouldn't lie about again. She asked me repeatedly over the year to freely discuss if I'd been doing such and such thing, and even told me that if I told her openly when she asked that it would be much better than lying to her face. But I was afraid she would leave me and so I did lie to her (yes, I am presently aware of the irony and dysfunctional logic in that) anyway a couple months ago I told her that I had been lying to her that entire time. She was devastated. But I explained in another post to someone else how she decided to attempt to work things out. Really in the middle of something negative for me I lose track of details and reasons for things. All I focus on is how certain things make me FEEL I don't consider all the facts at time. I honestly don't know how to fix that. It causes a lot of problems though.

MasterFireMaam: Those are two excellent questions. I know I would miss her a great deal if she were gone. I miss her when we are apart for just a weekend, or an extra long evening. I would miss all the ways that she's touched my life, as well as her personality and insight. But this is when I'm clear headed. When I'm caught up in this emotional tornado its almost impossible for me to stop it and gain steady rational footing again. I honestly don't know how to fix that. The emotions just escalate. She's asked me to journal about things, to read prompt cards that we've both written and she's asked me to come talk to her BEFORE it escalates out of control. I just really don't know why its so hard to do those things. Which brings me to the second question. I do that escalating thing in my vanilla life a lot too, so I don't think its just related to the relationship I'm in. I will give it more thought though. Its a question that obviously needs a lot of insightful consideration.

Thanks to all for their helpful responses.

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RE: In Need of Advice - 7/28/2007 12:05:38 PM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Musician,

You are young, congratulations on fucking up your first relationship. You are going to fuck up a few more as you learn that telling the truth might mean ending the relationships but if it can't withstand truth, it isn't a relationship. You have to grow and some damage cannot be repaired, some words cannot be taken back, some relationships end.

There are women in MY past who could have made me very very happy if I had had the skills on my end to make them work. You often only learn those skills the hard way as you are finding out now.

Oh, and don't listen to the bullshit about whether or not you are a slave, just be a better person and none of that crap will matter.

I'm afraid that it's quite true - most people learn the skills needed to maintain a healthy relationship by screwing up other relationships and having people leave.

Good luck to you in the future, Musician.

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Post #: 27