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MaamJay -> RE: Mentor or band aid? (7/23/2007 6:57:58 PM)
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OK I will add to My original comment on this. Mentor subs can also work very well, and I encourage My subs to make friends. However, given where you seem to be at, I felt a Mentor Dom/me might be the best choice as right at the moment, you are clearly very much at sea and would probably respond to someone who has the ability to direct. I totally agree with catize, you need to take some control of your life, and with LA who points out that the best mentor will push you towards independence. In other words, they should be teaching and encouraging you to grow stronger and more capable, so that when you meet a more appropriate Master, He will be getting a "together" sub. From what you have said, I get the impression you need some initial help in getting yourself together, and that's as much because you have been torn down by your current situation as much as anything else. So I wouldn't regard it as "rebounding" because every effort should be made on both sides to avoid any other attachment beyond friendship.
A mentor (whether Dom/me or sub) should give you some general information about the scene, about some of the sorts of protocols that exist but should NOT train you in specific behaviours or habits. That is the responsibility of the Master you eventually submit to. When I mentor someone (and as a natural teacher I enjoy doing so and I have big wings *smile*), one of the things I do is set them a reading program. I give them links to 3 or 4 articles about a topic such as subspace, aftercare, subdrop, safe calls, safewords etc ... where possible I give them some different points of view or perspectives. They are to read and engage with this information for themselves, then answer some questions I set so that W/we can then discuss it in chat. And I create an environment of acceptance in which they are free to ask any question. The only stupid question is the one they don't ask. In terms of protocols for example, I explain that some Dominants like the "eyes down" rule, where a sub never meets the eyes of the Dominant unless specifically directed, whereas others love to have the sub gazing directly into their eyes. So I would never presume as mentor to train the sub to do either of those, that will be up to the eventual Master/Mistress.
When the sub ultimately finds the "right" Dominant, ideally they should understand the role the mentor has played and allow the friendship to continue while they are building trust and going through the negotiation stage with the sub. This gives the sub a trusted sounding board to discuss things with. Over time, the mentor should be able to step back, confident that the sub is now with an appropriate Dominant, though the basic friendship should still be there. A Dominant who isn't comfortable with that raises a bit of a red flag for Me, as it can indicate they are insecure and don't want anyone else who might know more checking out what they say.
No rulebook says you can only have one mentor too, if you can find a couple of people to act as sounding boards so much the better. Getting more than one perspective is always good, though occasionally confusing ... at least it points you to questions needed to clarify the differences! And it can help you to avoid becoming too dependent on or attached to one. And the boards here can be good, though just sometimes you get some responses that are a bit flippant (domiguy is a good eg) and you need to learn how to read them. In his sarcasm he usually raises some excellent points, he just tends to do so in a different way. Always best to read several threads and get a handle on those posters that seem to be consistent and sensible to you!
Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
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