RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (Full Version)

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MadRabbit -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 8:31:14 AM)

You know...there is some really awesome people out there who are into having fun and enjoying the lifestyle and teaching others...

But the ones who view BDSM as some community career and are obessed with their experience points and collecting merit badges for the Kinky Scouts while simaulteously putting down everyone because they cant do suspension bondage like they can...really rub me the wrong way.



thetammyjo -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 8:33:01 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

There are indeed tons of people I wish would drop the need to blanket everything over in the sheen of Ms or Ds and just admit they want to get beaten or fucked or beaten and fucked without painfully trying to fit into a relationship that doesn't suit them.

But it's their choice to live as painfully as they want.

However, I think you'll find in the right circles, kinksters are welcomed and embraced just as much as Dsers or Msers and there sincerely is no sense of "heirarchy"- a slave is not thought of as cooler than a masochist.

But you should talk to some Msers around, ask them just how often THEY feel castigated by the scene.




I wonder if this comes from the pro and the gay leather scene where SM was generic for everything. The idea you'd just get off on beating without some Ds language was almost unheard of so it got entangled together. Then someone had the brilliant idea of looking at the different parts of the dynamic and trying to differ between them.

I personally think there are differences.

I can top, I love to do something in purely top mode like bondage because it requires a lot of time and effort but I have to do it my way with some artistic twist. Once the bondage is on though, I find I get bored fast unless the person bound makes a good effort to interact with me.

Flogging a masochist is a wonderful dynamic but it takes more time for me to get the charge from the pure SM than it does when there's Ds involved.

As for people who feel attacked for their Ds or Ms lifestyle.... the most attacks we have ever gotten came not from vanillas but from other kinky folks who felt we were just too extreme. Frankly none of them knew much about us beyond the fact that I own Fox and that doesn't get turned on or off, it just is the state of things. The most support we have gotten is from vanillas who know next to nothing about Ds or BDSM or any of that but just see us as a healthy, happy family where I clearly have the authority.



vield -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 8:33:15 AM)

My thought is that the % of people in the kinky scene whether on CM or elsewhere who do not really understand what theiy seek themselves is high, the % who do not go far enough into negotiation to find out what each other are really seeking is high, the % who are lying to get laid etc. are high, and the % who label others or put down others for wanting "wrong" desires fulfilled are high too.

Just like similar % of these issues exists in vanilla life.

I totally agree that I'd love to see many more folks be honest themselves about their needs, whether these be simple or complex, politically correct or not. It saves such a lot of hassle and time in the negotiation if one simply tells the truth.

I am open to lots of things, but not with just anyone. If one needs a pink blanket to get off or one gets totally negative feelings out of giving or getting a spanking, it is YOUR business, and your right to seek to get or avoid that action.



Grlwithboy -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 9:39:42 AM)

I view relationships as a kind of ecosystem with niches and types, I may want M/s or D/s with one person but good ol' negotiated beatings are more appropriate to other people and I like them tons.




DarkDaddyZ -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 11:32:05 AM)

There are some people that I meet that I just want to top.  Some I just want to fuck, just a physical energy.  I have had a lot of leatherdyke play partners where it was strictly about the physical play, there was no power exchange as far as "D/s" is concerned.  Yet there are some that I have a deep mental power exchange relationship with.  Some spend so much time labeling who we are and what we do. I realize we need to do this so people get an idea of what we are and what we seek but really I think it's about expanding the labels that are out there.  I'm not just a top or a "Master" or a perv, I'm a big ole' pot of gumbo.



cloudboy -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 11:41:23 AM)

I think you can totally score the relationship you seek. D/S, gorean philosophy, and female supremacy modes can be a real pain in the ass to an otherwise successful relationship.

My take is throw everything out the window except what you and your partner feel are most important. Also, don't underestimate the spice of illusion and fantasy --- great bones to play in the ever present need to compromise in complicated, intimate relationships.

As an aside, in my view woman hold the power seat in all sexual relationships, even if you're supposed to be the submissive or bottom.




salacioussquiz -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 12:23:26 PM)

Sucks, swallows and gargles . . . . . 



Rover -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 12:45:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

"Is anyone in the mainstream?"- Rent

It's amazing how we're all so put upon- Msers feel negated, kinksters feel negated, switches are negated, subs are constantly told they are too demanding while simultaneously being told they need to be strong, doms are constantly told they aren't demanding enough or abusive, we're all a really fucked up group of people when it comes to tolerance and acceptance.

Which makes sense really- but it is funny when you start to think and realize that EVERYONE is getting told that they suck by SOMEONE in the scene.


Personally, I don't feel put out or denigrated by anyone.  I take what I enjoy, and am gleefully oblivious to the rest.
 
John



Grlwithboy -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 2:09:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

I think you can totally score the relationship you seek. D/S, gorean philosophy, and female supremacy modes can be a real pain in the ass to an otherwise successful relationship.

My take is throw everything out the window except what you and your partner feel are most important. Also, don't underestimate the spice of illusion and fantasy --- great bones to play in the ever present need to compromise in complicated, intimate relationships.

As an aside, in my view woman hold the power seat in all sexual relationships, even if you're supposed to be the submissive or bottom.




What if you're both women?




CreativeDominant -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 2:43:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

You know...there is some really awesome people out there who are into having fun and enjoying the lifestyle and teaching others...

But the ones who view BDSM as some community career and are obessed with their experience points and collecting merit badges for the Kinky Scouts while simaulteously putting down everyone because they cant do suspension bondage like they can...really rub me the wrong way.


I agree.  I was watching a fellow male dominant do needle play on his submissive at a play party once.  I watched with interest because I often use accupuncture in my office and yet, have no interest in running needles for play.  When I mentioned this to him, I got the weirdest look from him and a statement somewhat along the lines of "you will never be quite a full sadist and therefore Master if you are not willing to try everything".  Yeahhhhhhhhh O. K..  When did BDSM play become "necessary" to D/s?  I love BDSM play...like the toys and all the groans and moans and squirming and tears...but while it can enhance D/s and in turn be enhanced by D/s, it can exist separately, as can D/s.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 2:45:39 PM)

LOL did you ask him how he suggested he should try giving birth?  Or having a bone marrow transplant?  All those wannabe doms out there who never tried that...



daddysliloneds -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 2:48:09 PM)

you do like i did:
you write a profile stating that you're a masochistic bottom looking for occasional 'beat and fuck' sessions, and  ta-da, you will find plenty of experienced, good looking, down to earth, intelligent, sexy,  fun sadists that think the same way that you do,

and

if you take the time to meet any of them, you'll have the time of your life!



Cuffkinks -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 3:11:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

You know...there is some really awesome people out there who are into having fun and enjoying the lifestyle and teaching others...

But the ones who view BDSM as some community career and are obessed with their experience points and collecting merit badges for the Kinky Scouts while simaulteously putting down everyone because they cant do suspension bondage like they can...really rub me the wrong way.


I agree.  I was watching a fellow male dominant do needle play on his submissive at a play party once.  I watched with interest because I often use accupuncture in my office and yet, have no interest in running needles for play.  When I mentioned this to him, I got the weirdest look from him and a statement somewhat along the lines of "you will never be quite a full sadist and therefore Master if you are not willing to try everything".  Yeahhhhhhhhh O. K..  When did BDSM play become "necessary" to D/s?  I love BDSM play...like the toys and all the groans and moans and squirming and tears...but while it can enhance D/s and in turn be enhanced by D/s, it can exist separately, as can D/s.


Absolutely. It can be totally separate. And one does not have to try everything. I, as I'm sure most do...have activities I prefer, in BDSM, D/s, whatever. I'll read, listen to, or watch anyone do anything, for one never knows where knowledge might come from. But I'll do what I like. I don't care what others think. For someone to say "you will never be quite a full sadist and therefore Master if you are not willing to try everything" sounds like something from a small mind. By the way...Why does one have to be a  "full sadist" to be a Master? You should ask him that question.
As long as you and those you're involved with are happy with what activities occur, whether BDSM, D/s, combined or not,  forget what others think and do what pleases you and yours.
Hence the term... "WIIWD."



Phin -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 5:03:15 PM)

you mean that this is something else that I am not wrong about? first being a switch is OK now I can just like to beat someone or be beaten? holy shit I might be alright...

enough of the smart ass responce and get serious [:D]

the majority of people on CM or other similar sites enjoy the power exchange as well as the SM activities. When first entering the lifestyle I thought I was wrong because I saw the ones that were in the power exchange relationships. Through asking questions (as the OP did here) I learned that maybe I am healthy happy and somewhat normal, if a bit kinky...



ShellyD -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 7:08:19 PM)

Thankyou all for your responses. Most advice I had already followed, or realised long ago. It is interesting though that others experiences have shown almost the opposite of my experience.  To attend a play party for the S&M alone is hollow to me, my pleasure from parties is based in the stimulation of my senses and mind.....the smell of leather and a horny group of people, the visual of costumes and/or lack therof, and the sounds.....then the sensation of pain yummmm.

Part of my profile recognises that it may be a long and fruitless search, but the 'partial reward' effect keeps me looking lol. Unfortunately, I live in a geographically challenged area, not one party within a 3 hour drive, motels etc are expensive, and I am not looking for 'one off' interactions, just a loving and living relationship that includes much pain and sex, and little power exchange.  

The other problem being is many people who approach me are either looking for a 'woman with a strapon' and little else to offer me, or have hand on cock while typing. There have been a few who seem close to being an ideal prospective but live tooo far away, although I am happy to travel, in the long term this would prove counter-productive.

I have 2 options, either move closer to the city, but family restraints keep me here, or to leave this very special side of me unfulfilled, or maybe 3, be patient and keep seeking.

Thanks again,[&o][:-]





chellekitty -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 9:57:19 PM)

i hate to make it sound all high and mighty, but like i mentioned when i attend local parties, i have the same problem...but when i attend national leather events...it seems like its more "acceptable" to just be into beating on someone...there are more "rules" that you have to follow to be accepted into the fold, but they have a pretty high tolerance for newbie mistakes...learn from your mistakes and there aren't any problems...all in all, i totally recomend national weekend events for anyone looking to get away for a weekend and be surrounded by people who if are not like you, at least understand and let you be who you are...

good luck...from another girl on that long possibly fruitless search
chelle



cloudboy -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/19/2007 10:29:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy

What if you're both women?



Mathmatically speaking, that should add up to equality --- but I don't think "mathmatically speaking" would apply to that situation.



ShellyD -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/20/2007 12:43:24 AM)

Thanks chelle, very interesting suggestion, I will definately look into that.  The problem for me, going to play parties as an individual, is that I don't want to spend my time playing the mating game, too much to see and do. Nor do I wish to make a poor decision when fuelled by lust, lol, wellll.  The alternative being munches but once again, none close. I had thought of starting one close, but am in a public position in a small region.

Too many reasons.....hence my attempts to find a partner of similar ilk in a public site like this. I daresay, I am not alone.

This was not meant to be a 'how to find the one' thread alone though, I was also interested to see how many people also practiced the art without having a power exchange relationship. As much as I know the way 'subspace' (for the want of a better word) is when in such a state of slave,  Is it achievable when not?

Oh well, the things you ponder on a cold wet grey day.....



LadyHugs -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/20/2007 4:10:17 AM)

Dear ShellyD, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
For my own personal situations, I have many different relationships with many different people. 
 
I have a man who is more Top/Dom than Switch but, will bottom/submit to me in a S&M exchange.  Communication has it so we both get fed and I do not become just a "Service Top." Being in the community a long time--he takes as much as he dishes out when he Tops.
 
My slave Joey (male) is Bi-sexual and former US Marine; due to his health he cannot take much in the way of impact play; yet he feeds me more than an S&M scene as he is pure service orientated.  So, I consider this relationship more M/s.  Being a veteran of diplomatic security details with the Marines --I know I am mentally and emotionally guarded by slave Joey; as he is in protective service to me.  (He even goes inside premises before I get out, to see if it is safe for his Lady, returns, opens the car door as a professional driver/security detail).  In summary, I get a spiritual and mental high that lasts a long time.
 
In a teaching/mentoring capacity--I have a totally different mindset and spiritual place;  I am in a 'give all of me, with all that I have and freely--no strings attached.'  I am fed in different ways, most in a post teaching/mentoring moment when time has passed when the student has used successfully things taught, learned, discussed, shared or debated.
 
In summary, being able to be fluid enough as to adapt to different relationships and the expectations of each, tailor made; it isn't so rigid as to make M/s, D/s, BDSM and or S&M define me -- I define what M/s, D/s, BDSM and or S&M is for each person in their respective relationship with me.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs



chellekitty -> RE: S&M without M/s or D/s (7/20/2007 8:39:49 AM)

what is wrong with being a service top?



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