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Is it wrong to....? - 7/16/2007 2:46:58 AM   
Misstress80


Posts: 7
Joined: 5/26/2007
Status: offline 		Im in a relationship for 3 years now and it is at the moment a bit rocky...
For the past few weeks i have been dreaming and having a fantasy about me and another sub together.We chat time to time and seem to get along very well.The sub im with now has put the BSDM lifestyle on the side for a long time,for his own reasons,actually he never gave me a reason why,just stopped from one day to the other.Allthough he chats with a Dome on a German chatroom,and meets her in that chat regulary.
Is it wrong to be havinf a fantasy about someone i havent met in R/L?
Maybe our long term relationship has come to an end?and is time for us to move on.Im not sure and am struggling on that point.
What do you think is it like cheating??is it wrong??i am also thinking of telling the sub im with now about it..would that be wrong to do??

< Message edited by Misstress80 -- 7/16/2007 2:48:25 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Is it wrong to....? - 7/16/2007 2:56:11 AM   
wwwkevinww


Posts: 276
Joined: 7/15/2004
Status: offline 		sounds like you two in RT are moving more into cyber and dis-investing in your real time (RT) relationship.  I'm not surprised its rocky.  Directly sharing that your having a cyber affair I don't know is the best way to go about it.  Indicating that your both not investing in the relationship is the way I would go, either agree to strengthen your relationship and open it up to poly type stuff online, invest more in the relationship, end the cyber stuff and strengthen the real time, or accept its time to end the RT relationship.

As the relationship is in rocky situation, being critical or accusatory won't help matters.

(in reply to Misstress80)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Is it wrong to....? - 7/16/2007 3:06:31 AM   
OrangeJulius


Posts: 122
Joined: 5/24/2007
Status: offline 		Well according to me, cheating is when you actually do something based on what your fantasies are.

I don't care if my girlfriends think about other guys, I'm not going to try and control their thoughts. When they actually go out and cheat on me, that's a different story. But cuckolding relationships and polyamourous relationships are all over the place, so it's not anything weird.

And as for your first question, haven't you ever had a fantasy of somebody in a movie or on television? You haven't met them, and I don't see a real difference. Just try not to build up a flawless ideal of them in your mind, especially if you are actually planning on meeting them.

This is just me though, your partner might have completely different views, and this is really the sort of thing that can't be answered by anyone other than him. Cheating, like pornography, is very relative.

(in reply to Misstress80)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Is it wrong to....? - 7/16/2007 3:46:47 AM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OrangeJulius
.... Just try not to build up a flawless ideal of them in your mind, especially if you are actually planning on meeting them.........


two thoughts on this..

1- the R/L relationship partner, talking about what's going on and what the needs are for both parties.   While i might not go into details and make the cyber thing more then it is, it could be brought up that you are finding yourself talking more and more with others, more as a sign of the R/L not meeting your needs or interest currently.

2- as OJ pointed out (snip above),  caution about cyber going to R/L. It's easier tol seem better, nicer, more wonderful and a perfect partner/match online. 

(in reply to OrangeJulius)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Is it wrong to....? - 7/16/2007 4:44:51 AM   
wwwkevinww


Posts: 276
Joined: 7/15/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OrangeJulius

Well according to me, cheating is when you actually do something based on what your fantasies are.

I don't care if my girlfriends think about other guys, I'm not going to try and control their thoughts. When they actually go out and cheat on me, that's a different story. But cuckolding relationships and polyamourous relationships are all over the place, so it's not anything weird.

And as for your first question, haven't you ever had a fantasy of somebody in a movie or on television? You haven't met them, and I don't see a real difference. Just try not to build up a flawless ideal of them in your mind, especially if you are actually planning on meeting them.

This is just me though, your partner might have completely different views, and this is really the sort of thing that can't be answered by anyone other than him. Cheating, like pornography, is very relative.


I would agree with you that cheating is more than just online or porno.  But this is an indication that your needs aren't being met in the Real Time.    If your serious about the RT relationship, I would be spending more time on that then online fantasy.

Understand that online is just fantasy until its made into reality by carring thru with it in real time.  Online always seems better because your filling in the blanks on things you presume will be just like you like, but don't know for certain.  Guys do the same when they only see part of a woman's face.  They fill in the rest, sort of a fantasy, even though they are only wishful

(in reply to OrangeJulius)
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RE: Is it wrong to....? - 7/16/2007 4:49:57 AM   
Lucius


Posts: 80
Joined: 6/13/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Misstress80

Im in a relationship for 3 years now and it is at the moment a bit rocky...
For the past few weeks i have been dreaming and having a fantasy about me and another sub together.We chat time to time and seem to get along very well.The sub im with now has put the BSDM lifestyle on the side for a long time,for his own reasons,actually he never gave me a reason why,just stopped from one day to the other.Allthough he chats with a Dome on a German chatroom,and meets her in that chat regulary.
Is it wrong to be havinf a fantasy about someone i havent met in R/L?


Of course not. Did You really need someone to tell You that? MOST fantasies that most people have are probably about people they haven't met.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Misstress80
Maybe our long term relationship has come to an end?and is time for us to move on.Im not sure and am struggling on that point.
What do you think is it like cheating??is it wrong??i am also thinking of telling the sub im with now about it..would that be wrong to do??


Totally off topic, and My apologies, but -

THIS is another reason I don't post often here. For some *#$! reason, in reply, I can't just cut and past that line of code that seperates your quote from what I want to say. I would find that so much easier than having to type the thing out several times, or to do what I've decided I am going to do - leave the rest of your words in one lump, above, and try to respond to them down here.

To answer the rest of Your questions: "Is it like cheating?" Well, cheating means to break the rules of a game, when you've agreed to play that game by those rules. So ask Yourself this: "Is this violating a rule that I have, in fact, agreed to abide by?" If the answer is yes, then it's cheating. If the answer is no, then it is emphatically not cheating. It may be something that will make Your partner unhappy, but that's another issue.

"Is it wrong?" Not as far as I can see.

Should You tell Your partner? Frankly, I think so, but then I think You and he need a long talk in any case. You have a three year relationship and he quite suddenly wanted to drop the "BDSM lifestyle" (whatever that means in this context) and You don't know WHY? Maybe You're right and it's over from his point of view and he doesn't want to tell You that. Maybe he's going through some personal crisis about being submissive - just because he's accepted that role for 3 years doesn't mean something can't happen to make him question it. Hell, I can sit here all morning thinking of "maybes" from My own experience or observation or speculation. The point is, I don't know, which is fine - none of MY business. But YOU don't know, and that's not fine. Even if this were a vanilla relationship of that duration, I'd think you should enquire what happened to make him want to unilaterally change the nature of the relationship like that. If You think of Yourself as his Dominant, I can't imagine why You have not gently, but firmly and persistantly, gotten to the bottom of what's going on with him - even if the honest and total answer from him turns out to be "I don't know, I don't understand it myself!" Then you can begin looking for an answer together.

So I have to wonder why You haven't - and why You brought this issue here. Is the real issue that YOU think it's over and it's time to move on? Is the reason You have never gotten to the bottom of his change of heart that You no longer think he's worth the effort? Again, it's none of My business and You don't have to answer to Me. But if You were a friend sitting across the table from Me and asking for advice, these are the questions I'd be asking.

So to sum up - either get serious about the relationship, start asking the hard questions and listen to and try to understand his answers, and THEN decide what to do about it - or acknowledge that it really is over, and manumit him.

Lucius Alexander

House of the Palindromedary

(in reply to Misstress80)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Is it wrong to....? - 7/16/2007 7:39:34 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Lucius- just hit "quote" instead of reply.  Then delete all the text you don't want included.  Then, just make sure there is a [*quote] and [*/quote] pair for each of the bits of text you want quoted (no *'s)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Lucius)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Is it wrong to....? - 7/16/2007 8:06:22 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I see two issues here that are probably connected. The first is your fantasies about another submsisive. No, it's not wrong to fantasize, in my opinion. People do it all the time. What's wrong is if you act on the fantasies behind your partner's back.

The second issue is that your current relationship doesn't seem to be fulfilling you which is probably the reason you're fantasizing. This is probably the more important issue to deal with. My mom's advice: ask youself two questions: Would you miss him if he were gone? Is being in the relationship healthy for you? If the answer is, "No," to either question, you need to take a serious look at it.

If the two of you are monogamous, you need to end the first relationship before pursuing the second (which, I assume, would be the submissive you're fantasizing about). If there is a chance that the two of you are poly and you want to keep the relationship, discuss opening up the relationship. If your current partner is agreeable, then pursue.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Misstress80)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Is it wrong to....? - 7/16/2007 10:22:07 AM   
slaveofKaos


Posts: 143
Joined: 2/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Well it seems you're not getting what you need from the relationship you're in presently. I would tak to the one i'm with explain whats going on and the two of you if need be can move on in whatever direction is necessary whether it be together or maybe taking a break to explore other things or maybe just breaking it off completly. I would definatly talk to him thoguh.

_____________________________

slave jodi

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Is it wrong to....? - 7/16/2007 11:37:40 PM   
Misstress80


Posts: 7
Joined: 5/26/2007
Status: offline 		Lucius,
You could be right about me thinking if it's all worth it and i have thought if i should end it.
I have asked him in a nicer way of why it has turned out like this,meaning the way we are now.and why he doesnt want to submit.and the answer i got was nearly exact to what you wrote ("I don't know, I don't understand it myself!).
So it still doesnt answer my question.
I will sit down and talk to him one more time i dont think he understands the seriousness behind it all.
but thanks for your thread.:)

(in reply to Lucius)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Is it wrong to....? - 7/17/2007 3:53:42 AM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		greetings

it is not wrong you other sub is not meeting your needs. so why not now that is what i read so either leave that one and trust me life is so short have you time now

mons

(in reply to Misstress80)
Profile   Post #: 11
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