Dragging my heart around

Dragging my heart around (Full Version)

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feelingrisky -> Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 9:37:14 AM)
My former dom and I split up late last year but we are still in one another's life. He opted to go nilla, and I would have gone with him if he had asked, but that wasn't in the cards. He found another woman early this year and as far as I know they are still together. I don't ask. Lately he hasn't mentioned her name but that may be because I told him it hurts me when he does that. I know that in the last month he hasn't gone to her place. I am still in love with him. I thought we would be together when his life got sorted out. I waited for years while he sat on the fence waiting for fate to settle his life so he didn't have to. Until I finally got tired of waiting and I was the one to make the move to end things between us. I felt it was time for one of us to do something. I felt as long as I was in his life I felt he had developed a comfort zone that prevented him from making the changes he knew he had to. And after I left, changes started happening rapidly. Then, he found his new gf. In the last few months I have tried to move on. I have gone to a few parties. Had a couple of dates. Flirted shamelessly with lots of men. And men are looking at me again. I see them looking me over as we cross paths. But I can't seem to go further. I am in love and it is so hard to get over that. Anyway, last night he called me at 6:30. He never calls me anymore so it was a surprise. He asked for a small favor, which was nothing at all. He said he might need a ride back to his car so he could move into his new house. I was so happy even though that happy was tainted by the sadness that she would be visiting him rather than I. While I waited to see if he would need me to shuttle him over to his car, the only thing I could think of was how much I wanted to give him his first BJ in the new home. I knew it wasnt likely. Early on he told me he doesn't want to hurt her by fooling around with other women. The fantasy was there though. All I could picture was kneeling before him and unzipping his pants. In the past, I would have wanted to have sex, to play, to kiss, to be touched by him. Now the idea of ME having sex with him is like a hard limit. I don't want him to touch me. In fact the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. But I still want to touch him. I still want to feel my lips around his cock. I still want to taste his jism on my lips and tongue. I know it's not going to happen. I know it shouldn't happen. But when I see him it is all I want to do. So here it is Sunday. As it turned out he didn't need the ride. Part of me was relieved by that and the other part is today. Dragging my heart around. I want to get over him but it has been so difficult. How do you get over something that was part of your life for years? How do you move beyond the hope and find a safe place to rest? So far, flirting, looking, ect., has just felt empty for me, even though it gives me a small burst of confidence. Risky

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 9:42:04 AM)
It might just be best to tell him you can't be friends and need time to really break away so you can move on and find your own personal happiness.

daddysblondie -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 9:49:31 AM)
I agree with LA. I've found over the last year or so that its much easier to move on when that person isn't around. Once you've been able to move forward with your own life, if you still want that person to be a part of yours it can be done. It sucks all the way around I know. I feel for you. Been in that dragging my heart around place myself a few times. Hang in there. It will get easier.

MissOchistic -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 9:49:36 AM)
Agreed with LA. Not everyone can be friends with an ex. It can really hurt. At the minimum, it sounds like you need to have a couple months ex-free; put him out of your life completely. Otherwise, you will stay in this semi-love position and he will stay where he is: not with you.

slaveish -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 9:55:10 AM)
You are going to have to uncurl your fist and let it go. Treat it as a non-entity. Do not accept his calls. Do not agree to see him, do favors for him, or wallow in the feelings for him. You've got to ~allow~ yourself to heal instead of using your own scalpel to reopen the wound. It's not easy, I know, but it's the only way to get past it. I am sorry you are in pain - matters of the heart can be excrutiating. And toxic. I wish you well.

MisstressNboytoy -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 9:58:24 AM)
Have you seen the movie "The Holiday"? Might help you to feel a little better. It's a chick flick but my slave liked it too...I think he was crying at the end.

AquaticSub -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 9:59:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross It might just be best to tell him you can't be friends and need time to really break away so you can move on and find your own personal happiness. Ditto. Not every person can be friends with their exes. I've tried really hard and it doesn't seem to work for me. Even when I broke up with them, I get all sentimental and miss them. It can drive you crazy. Cut this guy off and move on. Also, if you are the reading type check out "It's called a break-up because it's broken" by Greg Behrendt and his wife Amiira. I know the whole self-help book thing is overdone to the extreme but it helped me a lot in getting over my ex-finace. It's also strangely funny.

sleazybutterfly -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 10:18:26 AM)
My ex and I planned on being friends, but it just didn't work out. I think there was too much hurt on both sides, and she couldn't look past it. I am still willing, though I do think it's best that we don't. I have found it is much easier for me to keep going in life, when I don't have to look back at every turn. Perhaps years down the road things can be different, but right now this is the only way to go. Just do what I do, remember there is a reason you aren't together anymore, and that grass on the other side of the fence is soaked in pee-pee.[;)]

GhitaAmati -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 10:24:01 AM)
I thought I could be friends with my ex...and its worked for along time..without any feelings of either of us being uncomfortable...but just today he made the joking comment that maybe we could hook up down the road when we are both widows (both of our spouses are quite a bit older than us) and it felt like an ice pick into my heart. I know how hard it is to let go of someone you love, and I wish you the best.

velvetears -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 12:26:16 PM)
Ditto everyone. As long as you keep him in your life, even in the minutest capacity, it will keep you attached to him on some level emotionally and maybe even allow on some unconscious level a hope that you and he will get back together. When a baby is born a pregnancy dies, the cord is cut and a new life begins. Cut the cord and begin your new life.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 12:36:07 PM)
let your self heal.....this does not have to be reading self help books and drinking hearbal tea over a big assed box of tissues....it can also be going to the amusment park with friends and riding the rollercoaster and screaming your cotton-candy eating, head off.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 1:33:46 PM)
It's ok to love someone...and still decide that they are toxic for you. Consider distancing yourself...a lot. The constant interaction doesn't seem to be conducive to your healing process. Master Fire

RaynaSub -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 1:36:06 PM)
I agree with what most have said about your situation. Being friends with your ex in this case, seems to be damaging. You can remain friends, but you don't have to be such close friends.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 2:18:50 PM)
Being a guy, let me give you my view of why the “let’s stay friends” card is played. Remember I’m just being honest and offering insight to the emotions. First, it protects the Dom from the repercussions of what she may try to do out of anger if she feels they will remain friends with the possibility of reconciliation. Going along with that, it somewhat spares the intense feelings a total break-up means for both. Lastly, it keeps her under the Dom’s control in a way. He can always get her to do things for him, see her now and then and find a conquest pleasure when they are around each other in social settings if the break-up was not a final event in her mind. She will keep thinking they will get back together eventually and see him as the primary Dominant in her life. Her let down is going to come gradually and much later when she looks back at what has actually happened.

Quivver -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 2:28:00 PM)
It's tough to let go. especially when your head just mind phucks you continually. but let go is what you have to do. make an effort every time some thought enters your mind to say NO then change the thought to something you can control. of course this is all easier said then done. best of luck to you..........

Domspaintoy -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 2:28:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross It might just be best to tell him you can't be friends and need time to really break away so you can move on and find your own personal happiness. As always wise words, i agree with 100% dpt.

CitizenCane -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 3:12:30 PM)
Hey, it's only pain. Revel in it.

feelingrisky -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 4:55:12 PM)
You are all right, I know it. It isn't something that surprises me at all. It is hard for me because we work together in a limited sense. I do encounter him at least once a week. It would be easy enough to say "ok I will quit".. but I worked hard to know what I know. Having looked around when we first broke up, I know I could not do better than with this job. My competition in my field is full of up and comers, male, young, just waiting for something like I have now. I have resigned myself to staying in this position for now. I think I learned to live up to my wages too long ago. I know it is a hard road ahead. Only today, he tossed out a crumb of inquiring whether I want to help him clean his place up.... then he stated to me, "No, you probably don't want to help fix up a place another woman will be visiting." It was like a dagger had dug in my chest and twisted up and back before being pushed out of my spine. For him, it is over. But as he has told me many times over the years.. "men are friends with women because they think someday they might get their penis wet." I know that is why he keeps me as a friend. Logic has not left me yet. If only I could take the heart from the equation. sigh Someday. It does help to have the obvious stated by so many people who are not involved. Thank you, Risky

slaveish -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 6:21:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: feelingrisky I know it is a hard road ahead. Only today, he tossed out a crumb of inquiring whether I want to help him clean his place up.... then he stated to me, "No, you probably don't want to help fix up a place another woman will be visiting." It was like a dagger had dug in my chest and twisted up and back before being pushed out of my spine. For him, it is over. No, it's not over for him or he would leave you alone. Apparently your adoration makes him feel quite good about himself, and it seems to me he tests your continued feelings by saying such assinine hurtful things. My two cents on this little nugget is that his behavior is dickish and mean and it sends me into quite a pissy twist for you.

Noah -> RE: Dragging my heart around (7/1/2007 8:59:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain Being a guy, let me give you my view of why the “let’s stay friends” card is played. Remember I’m just being honest and offering insight to the emotions. First, it protects the Dom from the repercussions of what she may try to do out of anger if she feels they will remain friends with the possibility of reconciliation. Going along with that, it somewhat spares the intense feelings a total break-up means for both. Lastly, it keeps her under the Dom’s control in a way. He can always get her to do things for him, see her now and then and find a conquest pleasure when they are around each other in social settings if the break-up was not a final event in her mind. She will keep thinking they will get back together eventually and see him as the primary Dominant in her life. Her let down is going to come gradually and much later when she looks back at what has actually happened. Being a guy also, I'd like to point out that two people can determine that it is best not to go on as a couple without anyone "playing cards." In some of these cases they can agree not to permanently abandon one another. In some of these cases they can find a more appropriate expression for the very positive feelings they may have toward one another. In some of these cases the new expression can be friendship. It can be hard, and painful. It can take time to fully effectuate, as others have said. But since it can result in life-long friendships with people so wonderful that you were once willing to consider dedicating your life to them, it can be worth the cost. Clearly, each party will have to proceed with integrity (as opposed to good gamesmanship) if the friendship is to have any integrity of its own. If a failure of integrity was the root of the breakup, the prospect of friendship might not be very bright. I think you should probably figure on hurting for a while. For some people the possibility exists to process emotional pain masochistically, or by dedicating it--perhaps to the partner you hope to one day find. Consider that he may consider himself richer for finding a submissive who has lived and learned her way through something as difficult as what you are going through right now.

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