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Release and repercussions - 6/28/2007 5:05:20 PM   
DeprivedKajiru


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline 		I guess this question is geared more towards the men, because I don't even pretend to know how the female mind works.  I feel like I'm a fairly kinky spirit, but whenever I start to fantasize about something wild or get into a slightly "dirty" act I find it so hot and I enjoy it thoroughly... that is, until I release.  Right after this occurs I have the panicy "fight or flight' feeling, like I have to get the hell out of there, or that I've just done something that is so horrible and wrong and I should be ashamed or disgusted.  This usually doesn't last that long, but enough to make me uncomfortable for a few minutes afterwards.

So I'm wondering, are there any other people who feel like this sometimes, or is it just something I need to ease myself through?  Are there any suggestions, or should I learn to cope with it and maybe even use it as a benefit.  I'm still a novice and I'm sure theres tons for me to learn yet.  But I feel like if I was to release first in a session that I would make it uncomfortable for my partner also, unless they got off on the squirming and visual discomfort I displayed.
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RE: Release and repercussions - 6/28/2007 5:30:59 PM   
MasterMataeo


Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		learn to Cope, and use it as a benefit,, your there to enjoy ,, or why wlse would you be doing it ,, if you have a problem or are woried ,, you might  need to talk to your other half,, and see what comes about,, but as for my advice ,, Learn TO COPE

(in reply to DeprivedKajiru)
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RE: Release and repercussions - 6/28/2007 7:31:36 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Start answering the question WHY. Why does it feel wrong? Why is it NOT wrong? Why, why why...we can't answer this kind of thing for you. But know, many, many people feel guilty about feeling happy and fulfilled.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to DeprivedKajiru)
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RE: Release and repercussions - 6/28/2007 7:32:50 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I wouldn't say I've ever had those exact thoughts, but I will say that before I entered the Lifestyle full-time I apparently felt ashamed for being interested in these out-of-the-ordinary dark places that we find ourselves in.

Once I decided to shed my own insecurities and be true to myself (by pursuing NO other relationships except those where I could indulge my and my partner's fantasies), then any thoughts of wrongdoing disappeared completely, forever.

I believe it is part of the getting-to-know-yourself process, and knowing that the decisions you make for yourself are the right ones for you.  Once you are comfortable with yourself, it is difficult to allow others to make you feel any different.

Just my take.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to DeprivedKajiru)
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RE: Release and repercussions - 6/28/2007 9:00:33 PM   
DeprivedKajiru


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline 		Wow, thank you Fire and Jeff.  Those were both pretty helpful.  Food for thought, I guess.  I would agree that I've been a bit insecure about the ideas I've had or the person I'm afraid of being.  I don't know why I'm afraid of being that person, I guess because I feel like it would embarass my friends or family.  But why should my interests be of their concern as long as they're not detrimental to my well being.  Or maybe its their opinion that it is?  Deep thoughts and tough times.  I guess it takes a while of asking why or why not and learning to understand myself better and accept that.

(in reply to mstrjx)
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RE: Release and repercussions - 6/29/2007 4:23:34 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Someone I dated a long time ago seemed to have that exact same problem from plain old vanilla sex.  We'd be having a great time, then we'd go to bed, and when it was done, he'd suddenly be in a big rush to get out of there.  He'd never stay afterwards. 

I always chalked it up to him being a commitment phobe, which he was at the time.  Or, maybe there's some other thought process in some men's minds....maybe they feel vulnerable and/or insecure after the release and just need to be alone to regroup?  I dunno, it's just my female point of view, but I don't even pretend to know how the male mind works

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(in reply to DeprivedKajiru)
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RE: Release and repercussions - 6/29/2007 5:47:42 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		I have an image in my mind of what is 'me'.  Sometimes I'll play hard, or just have a particularly vivid fantasy, and really push myself past wherever I've gone before.  Then afterwards I get a sudden feeling of distaste, even fear, at how far I've gone.  I'm too far from 'me', and I don't want to lose the things I value about myself.

Sometimes you have to move very slowly, or spend some time working on your self-image, until you're comfortable taking a few steps further out.  It helps to have a very supportive partner.

(in reply to windchymes)
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RE: Release and repercussions - 6/29/2007 6:08:57 AM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeprivedKajiru

Wow, thank you Fire and Jeff.  Those were both pretty helpful.  Food for thought, I guess.  I would agree that I've been a bit insecure about the ideas I've had or the person I'm afraid of being.  I don't know why I'm afraid of being that person, I guess because I feel like it would embarass my friends or family.  But why should my interests be of their concern as long as they're not detrimental to my well being.  Or maybe its their opinion that it is?  Deep thoughts and tough times.  I guess it takes a while of asking why or why not and learning to understand myself better and accept that.


Before telling family and friends, it may be an idea to fully come to terms with who and what you are to yourself. It`s not as if you are going to walk down  the main street with a big sign telling the world. Reading the boards you will see just how many people have an interest in the lifestyle. Initially you may feel you are the only one, and everyone in the restauarant just knows all about you. The truth is they dont know anything, unless you have told them.

It took me ages to admit i was submissive even though i always knew i was something. i still havent told everyone i know, not because im ashamed, more that i can do without the hassle that it brings. If you know someone wont understand, or worse yet be vindictive, why cause yourself added problems.

Good luck anyhow.

(in reply to DeprivedKajiru)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Release and repercussions - 6/29/2007 6:12:29 AM   
hotwater07


Posts: 65
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline 		IMHO it sounds like you just need some reassurance - that need can be present with many different activities.  This is the best place to be, surrounded by people who understand you and know what you are going through.  Often after a session I have felt similar to what you describe - for me it's a feeling of complete and utter vulnerablility.  This self-discovery stuff can be  SCARY  Fortunately I have had great partners who knew the importance of aftercare, but being here and reading experiences of others that resonate with my own has probably been the most helpful thing I've done. 
BTW,
Thanks everyone!
Take your time, don't forget to be patient with yourself. 
Best wishes!
K

(in reply to becca333)
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RE: Release and repercussions - 6/29/2007 8:03:30 AM   
CitizenCane


Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		It sounds like there's a conflict between your current drives and intellectual notions about what is desirable and your early up-bringing. We live in a very judgemental society, and every day are bombarded by conflicting messages about the glories and evils of sexual and 'deviant' behaviors.  Just think about how what your parents, preacher, teachers, etc, might think about what you're doing, and consider whether YOU find it justified.  It's probably the tiny echo of their voices in your subconscious that is giving you discomfort.

(in reply to hotwater07)
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RE: Release and repercussions - 6/29/2007 8:31:56 AM   
ForgeDesire


Posts: 30
Joined: 4/1/2007
Status: offline 		Definitely a confidence problem. I have always been insecure as well, I think alot of people are. Couple that with something the vanilla world sees as strange, and you have the makings of a serious guilt trip! I was never able to fully feel 'not guilty' afterwords but it did get more agreeable as time went on, and now that feeling afterwords isnt so intense.

I think people with alot of sexual confidence would not feel this way.

(in reply to CitizenCane)
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RE: Release and repercussions - 6/29/2007 8:35:11 AM   
ForgeDesire


Posts: 30
Joined: 4/1/2007
Status: offline 		One other option would be to use a chastity device with orgasm denial. You could get hard and have fun but then your partner could restrain your junk with a chastity so you couldnt cum, then you would never feel bad afterwords!

Just another thought.

(in reply to ForgeDesire)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Release and repercussions - 6/29/2007 9:32:30 AM   
taintedgypsy


Posts: 228
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline 		I have always been amazed in vanilla life how men could really enjoy getting down and dirty yet in the morning treat me like I was less than human and somehow they could excuse themselves what they saw as "wrong' or "depraved" by blaming me lol

I had hope when I discovered lifestyle of finding acceptance that I had not found in vanilla .... to some extent I have but the biggest discovery was that I have been looking in the wrong places ... I have to feel good about myself and find acceptance from within, as how I feel about what I do makes it right not what others think.

However for all these wonderful words there still lives that fear the next morning of what I will see in his eyes when he looks at me ... the fear is less than it was ... but the journey is far from over.

I hope this helps and I wish you well on your journey.


< Message edited by taintedgypsy -- 6/29/2007 9:34:28 AM >

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warm smiles to all

(in reply to ForgeDesire)
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RE: Release and repercussions - 6/30/2007 7:34:09 PM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello DeprivedKajiru. This is a guilt "reflex" that will go away with time. But if you keep trying analysing this "habit", it will be very long before you stop having this. Tell your dom, he will probably tell you to do something to refocus you on "him".

Just tell yourself, the "devil" (dom) made me do it! RL.



(in reply to DeprivedKajiru)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Release and repercussions - 7/1/2007 12:57:08 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		Yep, that's always a good strategy - blame the Dom!  Works for me.

(in reply to robertolapiedra)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Release and repercussions - 7/1/2007 1:10:11 AM   
MsStryker


Posts: 47
Joined: 11/16/2006
Status: offline 		MMMM squirming and uncomfortable...
Promise??

(in reply to DeprivedKajiru)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Release and repercussions - 7/1/2007 1:53:27 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I have noticed some male subs I have played with have a similar response, though I'm not sure guilt is necessarily at the heart of it. It's more like, when the cum comes ... the sub goes! It can be rather unnerving as a Domme to have the sub response switch off like a light switch ... and they usually dress and get out of the door, saying they had a great time, enjoyed the session and goodbye! I hate that as I thrive on the aftercare and connection that occurs.

So to the OP ... it will be worth trying to work through this if it is guilt-based ... or at very least warning your Dom/me that you might react this way ... but remember you might owe it to them to stick around and be the sub they want and need.

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]



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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to MsStryker)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Release and repercussions - 7/1/2007 11:28:11 PM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello MaamJay. Males have a rapid sex drive "drop" after orgasm. You have two things going on: The inhibitive (anti erotic) and the "proactive" sex drive (erotic). When one drops suddenly, the other takes over just as suddenly.

If the male sub is "refocused" immediately, the lag time for the repleneshing "of the playful levels" is greatly diminished. Many dommes do not let their male slaves have orgasms in "scenes", in order to maintain "erotic effect" at a maximum. RL.



(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Release and repercussions - 7/1/2007 11:31:33 PM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333

Yep, that's always a good strategy - blame the Dom!  Works for me.


Hello becca333. I just love to be blamed! Works for me too! lol. RL

(in reply to becca333)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Release and repercussions - 7/2/2007 6:55:14 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		My understanding from female dominants I know is that men are very submissive till they cum and are worthless after...thus all the play with denial and chastity.

(in reply to robertolapiedra)
Profile   Post #: 20
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