Karynn
Posts: 773
Joined: 6/8/2007
Status: offline
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Hello Nymph,
I read your story more than once, then went through the various comments you've received. I like to answer first sometimes, but it has been a long while since I participated in a mainstream BDSM forum so I read others' words as well.
I have experience as a marriage counsellor. I did it often when I was younger, nurturing and listening to the female side of the story, and attempting to encourage healing. The environment is what we would refer to as a vanilla environment, but relationships are relationships are relationships, and no matter your lifestyle, a true relationship takes time, communication, trust and a whole wide array of details that make it real.
I have met many different M/s pairs over the years. Some people take the M/s connection very lightly and hop in and out of scene partners much like vanilla partners bar hop to one night stands week after week. There is a part of our human nature that simply dislikes being alone and with a quick fix, whether it is a scene or a night of sex with a near stranger, our minds can be tricked into thinking it is fulfilled for a while. There is indeed a place for quickies and as long as both parties know it is a no-strings-attached deal, and are safe in their connecting, then it is not something I necessarily judge harshly. It is what it is.
I have been known to say this next phrase OFTEN. Sex is easy and relationships are not. When someone scene hops, submitting to their libido instead of to someONE, they find the easy path, and some pleasure. When someone stops and thinks, shares deeply of their life and needs, those needs that drift far beyond the bedroom door, then the relationship becomes complicated and difficult I do believe we have the tendency to retreat inside ourselves to the base instincts of animalistic urges and lust when we've been hurt one too many times with the deeper attempts at connecting with others.
While it sounds like the fella you had in your life sought you out initially, thinking you and he connected, it is possible that he was no where near able to meet the deeper challenge of making a relationship that was beyond shallow. It isn't enjoyable to be on the wrong side of miscommunication of needs and ideals, but it isn't uncommon either. It happens in vanilla couples as well. Men take advantage of women sometimes. Women take advantage of men sometimes. People are swayed for a short time by hearing what they think they want to hear.
You are angry with this man in your past. You thought your communication and experiences revealed a person who was not shallow, and who might be looking for something similar to what you sought. After finding out this was not so, and learning that he moved on to someone who was willing to be shallow with him, I agree there would be a period of mourning, then anger, then a need for closure and moving on to other things.
As I have had far more experience working with women, I have given this advice a lot - Don't sell yourself short. Don't settle for something less than what you need or deserve. If it isn't working, stop and think. If it isn't right, stop and make a change. The man in your story certainly doesn't sound like the right match for you and your needs. You really are far better off with the fact that he left and went to do his thing with someone else. Try to let your anger evolve into a lesson learned, and let go. If you accept and move on, you will find far more success with new relationships.
I wish you the best,
Karyn
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In all things, to thine own self be true.
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RE: I just need some ears to listen and a little help t... - 
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