RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice?

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RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 8:35:24 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
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You have come across a classic problem with online Dominants. In order to have any chance of getting a sub, they are required to say how dominant they are. Problem is that a good many of them are pretend Dominants. They can put up with the charade for awhile, but only for so long. Once they get comfortable, they naturally revert to being their natural selves.

This is what you have here. You have lived with this man for a year, you have explained your needs multiple times and all you get in response is excuses. He is not a Dominant. He may be the bestest, kindest boyfriend in the world, but he is never going to be a Dominant. This is the reality as I see it.

That you are looking at other Dominant's profiles should tell you something. Stop the guilt trip about it. You are not receiving something in your life you desperately want and need. You are shopping for someone who can give you that, and the love you now have. You have a choice to make, and that is to accept the love you have now, knowing you are never going to get the kink; or you need to accept that you are not with the man for you. You need to choose, then act on that choice. Breaking up is never easy. Realize though something else. How happy can HE really be knowing he cannot be what you need him to be. Just doing nothing is a recipe for disaster.

Wish I could give you more pleasant news. This IS the reality you are in, from everything you have said on this thread.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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You teach best what you have lived.

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RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 8:36:21 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: loveVSneed

I do not wish to be rude, But I have several times stated I have talked to him throughly about this. He gets annoyed if I continue to talk about it, and thus I have stopped.

You must realize that must of us will respond to your first post because it is what we see first.

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TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 10:18:33 AM

yrstocollar

Posts: 95
Joined: 8/14/2006
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On behalf of myself and all fellow CMers I appologise for harping on about communication... it is the best advice and totally well-meaning because it is the foundation of a good relationship.

But from the further information you've given through this thread you seem convinced that you have done enough talking and you don't feel like you're being heard. You sound frustrated and over it... OK... if you can't do any more talking because he just won't listen to you... walk away. Maybe he isn't worth it. Maybe he is but maybe not now. Also in my experience most people don't find what they're looking for in their very first partner but many end up staying with them for longer than they should simply because it's their first and they think they couldn't feel that way or better with anyone else.

If you still don't want to walk away... you don't have any option but to try talking again. Sorry. But I would be interested in how you are approaching the conversation(s). My last suggestion - to beg - was based on the assumption that you were nervous about approaching the subject with him and was a potentially good way to broach it and make it hot. Could still work... perhaps not now and it really does depend how you do it.

Instead... I suggest you sit down and write exactly what you want, need and desire... give them rankings of importance and/or put them into different categories from "can't do without" to "take it or leave it". Be very clear with yourself about what you want... if you don't know that you can't convey it to him. Let go of any idea you might have that he already knows this or should know this. You are responsible for making these things known to him. Next make a specific time with him to sit down and talk. Make it a time when you both will be reasonably rested and distraction free. Turn off your phones, have some food, be comfortable and on reasonably neutral ground. Prepare what you're going to say ahead of time and predict what his responses might be and prepare answers for those too. Hear his voice in your head if you can. Take some paper and pens with you... if you're at all creative you can make it butchers paper and colourful pens and try and make it fun... but whatever you want.

When it comes time to talk to him... Say "I want to talk to you about bdsm, I know we've talked about it before and I don't want you to feel like I'm going on about it but I feel it's an important part of who I am and it really affects me and our relationship because this stuff isn't resolved. I want to sort this stuff out so we can have a better relationship and I feel like it's important to discuss things like this together so we can be happy and have the best relationship possible" or words to that effect.

Be specific about what you want or behaviour of his which isn't doing it for you ie say "when you... (insert behaviour), I feel... (insert feeling). This will help keep it from turning into an argument and will make it very clear to him what you mean. For example "when you hold me down, I feel so turned on" or "when I ask you to do something and you don't do it, I feel disappointed, that I can't trust you and / or that you're not listening to me / that I'm not getting my needs met. Try as much as possible to focus on positive things he does rather than negative things he does... but not at the expense of not getting your point across. If you have SO many negative things and only a couple of positive things... pick the most important to discuss and leave the rest for another time. Imagine how you feel when someone loads a whole lot of negative comments about something you've done... you get very defensive and stop listening... he'll do that unless you make at least some of it positive. Theoretically... you're supposed to have 5 positives to 1 negative. So load on exactly how good his holding you down feels... hot, wet, safe, sexy... whatever... don't just use 1 word.

Name the specific behaviour... it's his behaviour or lack of which is the problem for you... not specifically him. You won't change him, you can change behaviour. You will get him angry and defensive if you make it about him because that will feel like a personal attack to him.

Be prepared for the fact that he's likely to react badly at some point in the conversation. You've had more time to think about it so you'll be more prepared and not on the defensive which he might feel. When this happens OR when you start feeling like you're becoming emotional or less rational or things are starting to escalate in the wrong direction TAKE TIME OUT. Agree at the beginning of the conversation that this might get emotional and because you both care about each other and don't want to say things that hurt each other that you will do this. Agree when one person asks for a time out that you will both respect it... then go to the toilet... make a coffee... leave each other alone for at least 10 mins and come back again fresher. Take all the time outs you need.

Don't forget his recollection of events will always differ from yours... accept this as normal human behaviour and don't end up in a "but you said this" argument. Agree to disagree on what has been said before if you can't agree... and then say "ok we have different memories of what has happened but I want to talk about the future... maybe we need to start fresh with a new agreement" and then write it down together... agreeing that this is not the only time you make need to discuss / look at / change this.

Don't generalise ie don't use words like "never" and "always".

Don't lay blame ie recognise that this situation is made by both of you so think about what it is you're doing, not just what he is/isn't doing and acknowledge to him that you could have / could do things differently too.

Make it important to the relationship, not just you.

Agree at the end of the conversation that this is just the beginning and you'll need to have more conversations. Make a time to do this again right then... don't put this off.

SO... if you can honestly say that you've used the above techniques to talk to him about it I say walk away now. Otherwise, go off and try them.

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RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 11:00:23 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
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If he reins you in when he decides you're too impulsive, then he is dominating you. What he isn't doing is being sadistic. Is the play more important to you than the control? Do you need a sadist more than a dominant?

If he agreed to spank you once weekly, would that be enough? If not, could you play at a dungeon or play party while he was there to enforce limits and give you aftercare?

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RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 11:49:40 AM

Lockit

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loveVSneed, do you feel that he betrayed you or led you to believe something he wasn't?

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RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 12:00:19 PM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: loveVSneed

I mean I was expecting TPE!

But instead I am always treated like a girlfriend. Respected, taken care of, joke and argue with, loved and cared for- but almost never dominated, and even those times it is more for me then him.

Hmmm.... I'm owned but I'm also loved, respected, taken care of, joked with, we fuss sometimes...

Have you considered that perhaps you simply want a different brand of dominance than he is willing to provide? Not every owner wants to kick their sub/slave around. Some of us may even be spoiled but we are still owned.

You need to be clear about what kind of dominance you want because dominants aren't mind-readers and if he just won't provide it (which seems, to me, to much more dominant then simply giving you what you want when he doesn't want to do it), perhaps you should move on.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 2:35:27 PM

BeingChewsie

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Joined: 10/27/2005
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Using quick reply:

Could you clarify what you mean by him dominating you more or being more dominant with you? I'm not sure what that means to you.

< Message edited by BeingChewsie -- 6/25/2007 2:36:02 PM >

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RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 4:13:29 PM

pandoravampire

Posts: 374
Joined: 12/6/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: loveVSneed

If he knew that this is what you needed in your life, and that your relationship is in jeopardy as a result, what would he do? (What would you 'want' him to do?)

He knows I am feeling neglected in those areas, and claims he is just overworked...which i believed for the first few months, but its been over a year and he doesn't want to discuss it.

Hello loveVSneed.
i quote your response above. In it is a red flag. You two have a serious relationship issue, and he doesnt want to discuss it?
If i had a magic wand, and could turn him into a very skilled top for you, his reluctance to discuss difficult issues, and your reluctance to demand the same, spell doom.
Im not sure, but from what ive read, he is not wired for this. You may or maynot be, the fantasy of on line, is vastly different from real life. It takes balls to be a active person. Even in the privacy of your own bedroom. You need someone who can communicate clearly. Because your going to have to.
You are 19. Way way way too young to be 'settling'.
If your bored now with what he has to offer, can you imagine how bored you will be, at say 25?
Sometimes, we know we want to split, but get caught up with 'how do i do it without breaking his heart?'. Short answer is, if you wanna make a omelette, you have to brake some eggs. Honesty, and honest communication is always the best policy. Even if you feel like a cunt, for saying goodbye.
If this is a want for you, and you can put it away, do so.
If its a need, then it will drive you to step outside of the relationship to have your needs fulfilled, be that online, a dominant boss you flirt with, or the messy affair.
Now that stuff, will truly brake his heart. Not, im sorry, its over.
good luck
pandoravampire

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RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 5:05:51 PM

mythi

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I would just like to echo what SirDominic said and add that if he is no longer holding up his end of the 'bargain' that the 'contract', so to speak, of your relationship has already been broken by him. Y'all are just going through the motions. Additionally, if he knows your needs and not only wont fulfill them but forbids you to even voice them, I would personally consider that a form of emotional abuse. It's certainly NOT love.

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