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I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 6:31:44 AM

loveVSneed

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline

He is wonderful, he is kind, nice and trustworthy. He takes care of me and tolerates when I am a bit immature, and reins me back when my impulsiveness is about to get me in trouble again.
He is a great boyfriend, but he doesn't seem to be into bdsm in the same way I am. I met him on a site like one of these while I was a virgin, and though I am no longer in that condition I no longer feel satisfied with it- I have been with him a year and can count the number of times he did anything that would be considered dominating on my two hands.

I care about him, I feel loyalty towards him, hell I could probably be fairly happy with him ...but i never feel satisfied, I am always yearning to be dominated, and never getting any hints he wants to do such a thing, other then the few times, where it feels more like he's pretending then anything else.

I feel guilty for posting on a site like this, and for browsing through all the Dominant profiles- not expecting anything to come of it, but browsing none the less.

Any advice?

Post #: 1

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 6:53:31 AM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

I'm a big proponent of knowing yourself to know what you want and/or need. It's good to see that you seem to know what you want.

But is it what you need in your life?

If he knew that this is what you needed in your life, and that your relationship is in jeopardy as a result, what would he do? (What would you 'want' him to do?)

When you look at profiles, what is going on in the back of your mind? That you replace him, or that you find something additional? How do those things make you feel?

For me, either I will be with a partner in the Lifestyle, or I won't be with one at all. I know that my interests are more than just that. I'm not much one to develop a relationship with someone with more-than-average vanilla inclinations and 'hope' to make something more than that.

Good luck.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to loveVSneed)

Post #: 2

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:03:20 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

I echo that a person needs to know the differences between wants and needs in their life.

My suggestion would be do you care for him for who he is and cannot imagine being without him and/or can you look in the mirror accepting you were pursuing a power exchange relationship and that might not happen.

You are extremely young to have to settle on the basis of good enough but at the same time part of life is learning the perfect fantasy of a person and way of life is just that a fantasy. No one can give you any incredible advice for you to make the best decision for yourself as only you can do that, but if you use too many shoulds and coulds that may be a hint.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to loveVSneed)

Post #: 3

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:03:56 AM

loveVSneed

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline

If he knew that this is what you needed in your life, and that your relationship is in jeopardy as a result, what would he do? (What would you 'want' him to do?)

He knows I am feeling neglected in those areas, and claims he is just overworked...which i believed for the first few months, but its been over a year and he doesn't want to discuss it.

But is it what you need in your life?

Yes. I crave it, it's always in the back of my mind, and I am begining to feel like I did when I first joined this site a year ago, that there is something I need that I am not getting- and I have to have it or I will always have a unfilled hole in me(not a sexual one ><). When I see a hot guy my first thoughts are "I wonder what his hands would feel like holding me down."

When you look at profiles, what is going on in the back of your mind? That you replace him, or that you find something additional? How do those things make you feel?

I'm not sure, I just find myself looking at the profiles and reading them, I feel guilty when I realise I'm lookng at them, but start doing it again later.

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 4

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:08:48 AM

yrstocollar

Posts: 95
Joined: 8/14/2006
Status: offline

Have you considered the possibility that he might be into the same things if you talked to him about it? He might be interested in other things too which you haven't thought of and might enjoy but maybe he doesn't know how to bring it up either. If he's been playing at it a little... even if it hasn't been so much and it felt more like "play" than the "real thing"... maybe he was testing you a little to see how you reacted because he might be interested.

My best advice is talk to him... get some reading material or movies (eg secretary which is mainstream enough to be "just a movie" if you need to play it that way) and show him to gauge his reaction if you like... downloading some fantasies from the net and reading them to him... It can be like a sex game or foreplay if you like rather than specifically about bdsm but then it gives you a way of bringing it up, especially if he gets all hot and bothered!

It seems to me that a great many people are actually very interested in bdsm when you talk to them about it but have just never been given the opportunity to talk about it or try it before. Or they haven't thought about it but when they start to it gets into their head and then they start getting into it. A lot of our friends got into play piercing that way... my girlfriend just kept talking about it and how good it was and then one by one they started coming up and asking curious little questions and then if they could try it.

Good luck!

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 5

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:10:32 AM

yrstocollar

Posts: 95
Joined: 8/14/2006
Status: offline

PS you can use the "quote" button to answer people's questions more easily...

(in reply to yrstocollar)

Post #: 6

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:12:46 AM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

Talk to him. Communicate. Be clear, be very clear. Remember, men are not fluent in Hint. Tell him what you want, and ask him what he's comfortable with. See if there's some compromise solution that'll keep you both happy. It'd be a shame to give up on a good relationship without trying to solve this problem, only to find that nobody else is quite right for you.

(in reply to loveVSneed)

Post #: 7

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:18:03 AM

loveVSneed

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yrstocollar

Have you considered the possibility that he might be into the same things if you talked to him about it? He might be interested in other things too which you haven't thought of and might enjoy but maybe he doesn't know how to bring it up either. If he's been playing at it a little... even if it hasn't been so much and it felt more like "play" than the "real thing"... maybe he was testing you a little to see how you reacted because he might be interested.

Good luck!

Thank you for the advice...but he knows what I need in a relatonship- I met him on this site! He at first seemed to be everything I need, and he wanted to do the talking thing, no bdsm to start with, we would just get together and get to know eachother, mainly because i was a virgin at the time... and indeed, he was much of what I wanted, I always put all my trust and faith in the men I am with, and see what they do with it, and he took care of me when i moved to another country to be with him, we have fun, and i care about him deeply...but he just doesn't seem to be into it as much as I first thought him, or as his profile said- I mean I was expecting TPE!

But instead I am always treated like a girlfriend. Respected, taken care of, joke and argue with, loved and cared for- but almost never dominated, and even those times it is more for me then him.

edit. I just read this over...my english professor would have been so mad if she saw that run on sentance...
Sorry about that.

< Message edited by loveVSneed -- 6/25/2007 7:20:01 AM >

(in reply to yrstocollar)

Post #: 8

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:27:26 AM

yrstocollar

Posts: 95
Joined: 8/14/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: loveVSneed

Thank you for the advice...but he knows what I need in a relatonship- I met him on this site! He at first seemed to be everything I need, and he wanted to do the talking thing, no bdsm to start with, we would just get together and get to know eachother, mainly because i was a virgin at the time... and indeed, he was much of what I wanted, I always put all my trust and faith in the men I am with, and see what they do with it, and he took care of me when i moved to another country to be with him, we have fun, and i care about him deeply...but he just doesn't seem to be into it as much as I first thought him, or as his profile said- I mean I was expecting TPE!

Just coz you met on this site doesn't mean he knows what you want... everyone on here has different ideas on what bdsm is and what is good for them and what it all means... just coz you talked about all this stuff a year ago doesn't mean he remembers it or realises how important it is to you or how much you crave it... just coz you're really craving it doesn't mean he knows... just coz he said he was into TPE doesn't mean he thinks it works the same as you... everyone has different methods and maybe he thinks he is doing it...

Unfortunately there is no such thing as a mind reader... you just need to talk to him about it... and keep talking and keep talking and update each other as you grow... It doesn't have to be too scary... make it hot... beg him... tell him how wet you get when you think about it... he'll get turned on by that!!

Also... being a sub doesn't mean you shouldn't sit down and express your needs and wants and being a Dom doesn't mean he automatically knows what to do.

(in reply to loveVSneed)

Post #: 9

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:37:23 AM

MasterLordguru

Posts: 73
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

LoveVSneed... Love is beautiful. Love is wonderful. It is magical and it reminds you that you are ALIVE. Love is something that fulfills and yet, it can destroy. Love, doesnt conquer all.

What everyone here is telling you is very good advice. Communication is the key. Your afraid of hurting him. That is beucase your a pleaser, a giver. Someone who desires to fulfill happiness in another. that is your submissive self. That is the side of you that seeps out each and every day, crying and demanding to be nurtured the proper way. By someone who can and will see that precious soul and help her flourish. You want him to be that Man. But reality may dicated otherwise. But how are you to find out, unless you talk to him? How will he ever know that you are requiring this, unless you speak? To be a sub/slave does not mean you can't talk. You have a right to voice your needs, concerns and wants. It is then up to him to see if he is up to the challenge.

Life as well is many chapters. Think of it as a big book. He may have played an important role in your life at this time, but that chapter may be coming to a close. There is pain of course, and it hurts but there will be another chapter and who knows, perhaps down the line, he will be reintroduced into the story again. I am not suggesting to walk away. NEVER just walk away unless it is out of sheer necessity of survival. But you need to speak to him Otherwise, this part of you will be supress, it will wither and wont die but you wont ever be truly happy. You can only supress this fire, this need for so long. Take it from somene who was in a 5 year vanilla relationship. And understands, that it lasted 3 years longer than it should have. I denied my truth. Dont deny yours, or his.

May you find shade this day. And grant you the wisdom you seek.

M.L.G

_____________________________

IDIC: Infinate Diversity in Infinate Combinations

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.” ~~Tao Te Ching

(in reply to loveVSneed)

Post #: 10

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:38:56 AM

loveVSneed

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yrstocollar

Just coz you met on this site doesn't mean he knows what you want... everyone on here has different ideas on what bdsm is and what is good for them and what it all means... just coz you talked about all this stuff a year ago doesn't mean he remembers it or realises how important it is to you or how much you crave it... just coz you're really craving it doesn't mean he knows... just coz he said he was into TPE doesn't mean he thinks it works the same as you... everyone has different methods and maybe he thinks he is doing it...

Unfortunately there is no such thing as a mind reader... you just need to talk to him about it... and keep talking and keep talking and update each other as you grow... It doesn't have to be too scary... make it hot... beg him... tell him how wet you get when you think about it... he'll get turned on by that!!

Also... being a sub doesn't mean you shouldn't sit down and express your needs and wants and being a Dom doesn't mean he automatically knows what to do.

Tried it all, done the begging and rationalle and all that, he just doesn't seem to need it. He always says to worked out and doesn't want to discuss it, til I feel like I'm nagging just to suggest it. So I've stopped trying.

And for those who keep saying talk it out, I HAVE. I have gotten so desperate to be dominated I have begged him, even though what I really crave is for him to want to do things to me, not do them so I will stop asking for it.
And even then he listens then says so forthrightly things will change, and a month later, theres still sex, but still none of what I need.

< Message edited by loveVSneed -- 6/25/2007 7:43:38 AM >

(in reply to yrstocollar)

Post #: 11

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:41:28 AM

MasterLordguru

Posts: 73
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

[/quote]

Also... being a sub doesn't mean you shouldn't sit down and express your needs and wants and being a Dom doesn't mean he automatically knows what to do.
[/quote]

How I agree with you. All these "ULTRA-DOMS" crack me up. and of course.. many misrepresent themselves as Dom's and Masters becuase it is a "role" in them. It is not something learned, it is ingrained. And as I advised her.. being a sub/slave spirit doenst mean you dont have a say or right to state your wants and desires. While it may be in you to please, it doenst mean you can't request for what pleases you and sets you free to your needs.

M.L.G

_____________________________

IDIC: Infinate Diversity in Infinate Combinations

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.” ~~Tao Te Ching

(in reply to yrstocollar)

Post #: 12

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:41:59 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Mom's advice: Ask yourself two questions. 1) Would you miss him if he were gone? 2) Is being in the relationship healthy (which implies fulfilling) to you? If the answer is no to either question, you might need to look at ending the relationship.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to loveVSneed)

Post #: 13

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:45:14 AM

MasterLordguru

Posts: 73
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

[/quote]
Tried it all, done the begging and ationalle and all that, he just doesn't seem to need it. He always says to worked out and doesn't want to discuss it, til I feel like I'm nagging just to suggest it. So I've stopped trying.
[/quote]

As a man, if I am dismissive to the one I care about, and she then goes the opposite direction, I am deserving of it. I myself have in the past been dismissive of a position with my relatinoship and I learned a lesson. That just becuase I thought it wasn't important, she thought it was important enough to finally tell me it was over. And it was a lessoned well learned. As for when you tell him, if he is unable to cope with it, then your answer has been given. He has no interest in providing the basic needs you require. And yes, it isnt an easy choice to make but a choice that should lead you down the path of what you require.

M.L.G

_____________________________

IDIC: Infinate Diversity in Infinate Combinations

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.” ~~Tao Te Ching

(in reply to loveVSneed)

Post #: 14

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:50:11 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

what you focus on grows.

this is not my rule, it is universal law.

what are you saying to yourself and to the world around you when you focus on what you are not getting? the doms you are not serving?

you are focusing on lack, not enough, so is it any wonder you are feeling lack, and that you dont have enough?

try focusing on what you do have and see what grows.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to MasterLordguru)

Post #: 15

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:51:05 AM

LadyOpinx

Posts: 35
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: loveVSneed

I mean I was expecting TPE!

But instead I am always treated like a girlfriend. Respected, taken care of, joke and argue with, loved and cared for- but almost never dominated, and even those times it is more for me then him.

It's like you have exactly what my subbie has been asking for.

He wants more of a boyfriend/girlfriend situation most of the time except for sex.

Personally, I think if you are going to have a real life long term relationship--some of that "normal companionship" stuff comes into play.

I enjoy days where I spend with my subbie and we are just relaxing or doing things like a vanilla couple.

But I try to keep the flavor going throughout the day to some degree. I will always demand respect in words and actions--like being called Mistress. (That's after he tried calling me "sweetie" the other day)

***********
loveVSneed---

It sounds to me that you could maybe talk to him about adding a little more "BdSM Ambiance" to the daily relationship, and you both could still enjoy each other.

But if you are here to look for someone new--choose your path and walk it.

In my experience I have found that trying to walk one road while looking down another doesn't work out very well.

*Bright Blessings*

Lady O

_____________________________

"Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there...What you choose to do with them is up to you." ~~~Richard Bach, "Illusions"

(in reply to loveVSneed)

Post #: 16

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 7:53:19 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

My first advice was going to be talking to him about what you need, since there's always a slim chance that that might actually work. But if you're sure he knows what you need, and can't provide it, I see only heartache ahead. You're never going to be fulfilled with him. In fact, the longer you stay with him, the harder it's going to be to get out and find what you need.

quote:

ORIGINAL: loveVSneed

Thank you for the advice...but he knows what I need in a relatonship- I met him on this site! He at first seemed to be everything I need, and he wanted to do the talking thing, no bdsm to start with, we would just get together and get to know eachother, mainly because i was a virgin at the time... and indeed, he was much of what I wanted, I always put all my trust and faith in the men I am with, and see what they do with it, and he took care of me when i moved to another country to be with him, we have fun, and i care about him deeply...but he just doesn't seem to be into it as much as I first thought him, or as his profile said- I mean I was expecting TPE!

(in reply to loveVSneed)

Post #: 17

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 8:20:21 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

First I would talk to your boyfriend about these feelings and go from there. Do you both really know how the other feels? Do you both really know each others needs and wants?

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to loveVSneed)

Post #: 18

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 8:30:43 AM

loveVSneed

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline

I do not wish to be rude, But I have several times stated I have talked to him throughly about this. He gets annoyed if I continue to talk about it, and thus I have stopped.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 19

RE: I love- yet am never satisfied, any advice? - 6/25/2007 8:35:06 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: loveVSneed

He is wonderful, he is kind, nice and trustworthy. He takes care of me and tolerates when I am a bit immature, and reins me back when my impulsiveness is about to get me in trouble again.
He is a great boyfriend, but he doesn't seem to be into bdsm in the same way I am. I met him on a site like one of these while I was a virgin, and though I am no longer in that condition I no longer feel satisfied with it- I have been with him a year and can count the number of times he did anything that would be considered dominating on my two hands.

I care about him, I feel loyalty towards him, hell I could probably be fairly happy with him ...but i never feel satisfied, I am always yearning to be dominated, and never getting any hints he wants to do such a thing, other then the few times, where it feels more like he's pretending then anything else.

I feel guilty for posting on a site like this, and for browsing through all the Dominant profiles- not expecting anything to come of it, but browsing none the less.

Any advice?

Two pieces.

First talk to him about this.

Second figure out how truly important BDSM is for you -- what is a need and what is a desire. If he cannot give that to you as you need then you have two choices in my opinion. You can leave him and try other relationships. Who says you can only have one relationship in your entire life? Or if you want to stay with him and make an agreement for you to get what you need else where -- poly works for some people.

If it isn't a matter of need but of desire, then you need to negotiate times when you and he will fulfill your desires and you will fulfill his.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to loveVSneed)

Post #: 20

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