how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub

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GhitaAmati -> how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 9:28:38 AM)
This is my first thread to start, and I dont know if its going to make sense to anyone, but here goes. I know Ive posted quite a bit on this forum lately, fairly recent member, but 90% of the time, when Im answering a question about a D/s relationship, I talk about my previous relationship and discuss that Sir, and not my current. I have been active in the lifestyle, mainly in the Leather community, for almost 10 years. About three years ago I took a step back and began concentrating on other aspects of my life, and during that time met a wonderful man, got married, and had two children with him. We have a wonderful partnership, we talk openly about everything, he's a great father to the children we've had together and he legally adopted my older son right after we got married and is raising him as his own. I knew when I met him that he wasnt into the Lifestyle, although he had been around it for many years, had been to play parties with previous girlfriends who we into it, and was generally open to, with some definantly Dominant tendancies in his personality. Ive slowly begun to realize how much I miss the lifestyle, and have talked about it with him. Over the past year, we have gone to munches, play parties, and demos, weve bought many books that we have read together and talked about, he has begun to let other Doms teach him things, he asks questions, gets involved, and is generally really enjoying his delve into this lifestyle. Where's my problem then? He wants to be a Dom at the munches and play parties, but expects me to "turn off" being a sub when we get back home. Told me last night that when we walk in our front door he wants his wife back, not a submissive. After going through a scene last night at a play party, a rather heavy one, my mind still hadnt compleatly cleared by the time we got home several hours later..i was kind of interested in continuing our play at home (and yes..we have played at home in the bedroom...as play..not really the mental side of D/s). The kids were gone for the entire night to a cousins house, adn I thought it would be a good opportunity to have some time to ourselves. As I was still in the submissive mindset...I guess I wasnt as vocal about exactly what I wanted as I could have been...growing up in the lifestyle I was kinda tought that you find a way to express your desires in a way that makes it sound like the Dom is coming up with the idea..not you. Well, it kinda made him upset..told me if I wanted him to beat me I should have just said so and he was tired of always having to take the initiative, didnt want a submissive at home, it was fun to play at the parties but we were home now and i should just be his wife again. How do i explain to him that my mind takes time to shift from one thing to another. "wife and mother" is a compleatly different state of mind from "submissive" and I cant flip it like a switch..and I dont know how to explain to him the things my mind goes through during and after a scene. ghita amati

slaveish -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 9:37:29 AM)
~curious look~ I'm not sure where "in the lifestyle" you learned to not ask for things you wanted - I can understand your husband's frustration on this matter. He cannot read your mind. My best advice in this instance is to be clear, otherwise you will continue to frustrate each other.

angelic -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 9:40:11 AM)
Your's is a difficult situation. However, i do not necessarily think that being a wife and submissive have to be separate and distinct personalities. You can still be a wife and submissive. i am not sure i completely understand; however. Do you want him to constantly 'order' you to do things? You can still do things like make sure the house is running smoothly when he comes home from work, dinner on the table, rub his shoulders after a rough day, etc. There are so many ways for you to still be his wife and submissive. i don't think anyone just 'plays' all day. Maybe i am missing your point.

lighthearted -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 9:40:51 AM)
sometimes I have difficulty articulating what I want to say. so, I flat out tell him, that I'm having trouble, but the general idea is "_______". it's enough to start a dialogue between us. you've also expressed pretty clearly here what your issue is, you may just want to show him what you've written. now, if the issue is, he's not willing to listen, that's a whole 'nother problem.

kyraofMists -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 9:48:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati As I was still in the submissive mindset...I guess I wasnt as vocal about exactly what I wanted as I could have been...growing up in the lifestyle I was kinda tought that you find a way to express your desires in a way that makes it sound like the Dom is coming up with the idea..not you. Now that would piss my Lord off. If I want something, I am to be direct in asking for it and not try to manipulate him into getting it. What do you think being a submissive is and what is a submissive mind-set? Often after parties or large events, I like to have quiet time just to enjoy the experience and come down off the high. Ask for quiet time to get back into the mindset that he wants you to be in, so that you can serve him the way he wants to be served. Knight's Kyra

GhitaAmati -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 9:48:49 AM)
quote: ~curious look~ I'm not sure where "in the lifestyle" you learned to not ask for things you wanted - I can understand your husband's frustration on this matter. He cannot read your mind. My best advice in this instance is to be clear, otherwise you will continue to frustrate each other. I think what I meant was that, after a heavy scene, Im not always as talkative as a might be otherwise...tend to have trouble forming words. Later on in the night, I was able to stop and go back and discuss what I was feeling, but at that moment, it was frustrating to him for me to not be that same outgoing person I am during the day with the kids. I cant "immediatly" stop a scene, and go back to feeling exactly the way I did before that scene, and I think thats what he is expecting me to do. ghita amati

GoodgirlFind -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 9:52:56 AM)
Its the same in my life like yours. I met a dom. But Ive been feeling unfullfilled in the end of some experience. I need more than just play from him. But he only sees me for play and there is no master slave feeling outside of weekly playing. So, the sub/master invovlment feels put on when I submit to him in bed. I am now looking for a man to be more than a partime dom in bed.

GhitaAmati -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 9:53:54 AM)
quote: Now that would piss my Lord off. If I want something, I am to be direct in asking for it and not try to manipulate him into getting it. On the car ride home, he asked what I wanted to do when we got home..I did actually say, very specifically that I wanted to continue our play at home since the kids werent around. He told me later that he thought I was joking. He said OK during that car ride, so I was actually expecting to continue the play at home..didnt try to relax after the scene, so when we get home and he sits down in front of the TV and I was kinda disappointed, It was hard for me to vocalize why, once he realized I was upset about something, then he got upset that I really had wanted to continue to play at home. ghita amati

slaverosebeauty -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 10:05:17 AM)
Lifestyle 101, Communication. You need to talk with your husband, be honest and be repectfull. Their are so many 'degrees' of submission and of dominance that you both may be able to find a place where things are right for your relationship. I am a slave, yet, in my relationship with MJ, I do ask for things, I do it in a respectfull way, even the little things. He likes the idea that I want more structure and that sorta thing from Him, He has never seen me in a realtionship before despite being friends for years, yet, now, He has said He understands why I said its hard for me to find someone, I crave that structure and that higher protocol; so, we talk and we bring things in that work for both of us. We don't live together, yet, every moment that we communicate we get closer. Best advice, TALK TO YOUR HUBBY. Some ladies on the boards have a top-type partner in addition to their spouse, its an option.

GhitaAmati -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 10:07:25 AM)
I thought I would come back and explain something a little better..something that I know might be confusing to many people. In the Leather comunity, a slave never says "Master do this" or even "Master I want you to do this", more proper form of speech would be to say, "Master it would be great if you did this" or "Master I think I would enjoy it if you did that"... Then, if said Master agrees, then, through semantics, HE actually made the desision to do it...not the slave. I know its a subtle difference, and minor enough that if you dont understand it, it could cause problems..but the Leather community I grew up in was big in Protocols...and when Im in that fog of delirium after a scene..im alot more likely to follow those old protocols. ghita amati

kyraofMists -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 10:34:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati I thought I would come back and explain something a little better..something that I know might be confusing to many people. In the Leather comunity, a slave never says "Master do this" or even "Master I want you to do this", more proper form of speech would be to say, "Master it would be great if you did this" or "Master I think I would enjoy it if you did that"... Then, if said Master agrees, then, through semantics, HE actually made the desision to do it...not the slave. I know its a subtle difference, and minor enough that if you dont understand it, it could cause problems..but the Leather community I grew up in was big in Protocols...and when Im in that fog of delirium after a scene..im alot more likely to follow those old protocols. ghita amati I don't think that is a subtle difference at all. I am required to ask for what I want; he makes the decision on whether I will get it. Him making the decision is not the same thing as it being his idea. I think that is where I got thrown in your original post. Getting him to think something is his idea is vastly different than giving him the information so that he can make a decision. Thanks for clarifying. Knight's Kyra

FelinePersuasion -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 10:40:02 AM)
I really do not think the entire leather culture world wide over follows the exact same believes. quote: ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati In the Leather comunity, a slave never says "Master do this" or even "Master I want you to do this", more proper form of speech would be to say, "Master it would be great if you did this" or "Master I think I would enjoy it if you did that"...

crouchingtigress -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 10:44:11 AM)
i would drop the whole "leather community" thing. i know for you its an identity that you are proud of, and really relate to, but it wont serve you to find a win win, and is creating a win loose. i think at this point for you to go by the leather community rules at this point further alienates him, because its like you and the "community" against him and not him and his life partner, his wife and the mother of his children discussing their adult sex life. you want this man on your side and by your side forever right? so then dont keep showing him what he is not, and what you wish he was, by going to munches...you are wrestling all the power right out of his hands. what you might try instead is to say honey i realize that the munches and the community stuff is a bit much for you, but if i really look at why i want to be there its because certain parts of it really resonate with me, i was hoping you would just take to it, but i see the error in my judgment as that i can see now that it was trying to force you to be something you are not...how ever i am still me....what compromises can we come up with where my core need for authority transfer, and you core need to have your wife be your wife, are met with joy and excitement from us both? then sit down and ask him: what is a wife?...and also tell him what a submissive is to you.... list them all...ill bet you guys are awfully close to each others ideas....ill bet there is loads of overlap.... thats where to start...from the overlap....from there you can co-create together something that really feeds both peoples needs. remember the whole protocol of having the dom com up with the idea, was started to further aid communication between partners, it is one of a million tools of D/s that does in some cases create harmony, but in your case it wont, because it does not fit what you dom wants from his partnership, and will just annoy both of you trying to use the wrong tool for the job. a flyswatter is a very valid and useful tool, but would not be valid or useful in trying to hang a shelf...right?

MasterFireMaam -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 10:54:09 AM)
To be in a healthy relationship, you need to be able to express your needs. You apparently need more time to process. Ask for it. As for dealing with a part time Dom, you can still be a full time submissive by giving him what he wants: an equal wife outside the BDSM. Doing that serves him 24/7. Just be sure he understand that you're doing it and that you need transition time. This is assuming, of course, that you're able to do this and still be a healthy individual. Master Fire

GhitaAmati -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 11:02:03 AM)
quote: really do not think the entire leather culture world wide over follows the exact same believes. I apologize, I didnt mean to sound as if all communities follow the same protocol, I was trying to go back and clarify something I said in my origional post. That is a protocol that was followed in my community, while there is a common link of values and order in the Leather community at large, I whole heartedly agree that many groups choose to represent those values in different ways. quote: i would drop the whole "leather community" thing. i know for you its an identity that you are proud of, and really relate to, but it wont serve you to find a win win, and is creating a win loose. i think at this point for you to go by the leather community rules at this point further alienates him, because its like you and the "community" against him and not him and his life partner, his wife and the mother of his children discussing their adult sex life. I agree in part with this comment also, I understand that it is an aspect of the lifestyle that he isnt a part of, and I need to work on a common ground with him..in our own relationship. What caused a clash I believe last night is, it was really the first time we had truly played together, and once that began, I automatically slid back into those comfotable boundries I had lived in for so long, and It was hard to explain that mentally...I wasnt thinking as clearly at that moment as I could have been, and It was hard for me to snap out of it and have a cohearent conversation. Unforntunantly this thread immediatly picked up on my husband and i's communication problems. I understand compleatly that what happened last night was a total goof-up of communication, and If I had realized that it was going to happen before the scene started, I probably could have given him a warning that afterwards I wasnt going to be myself for a little while. I didnt do that, and I know it caused problems. It is something I plan to rectify as soon as I can. Proper planning prevents piss poor performance. I think my main issue was realizing that no matter how far we take this, he is always going to want me to switch back and forth from a vanilla wife to a "bottom" cause I hesitate to call it submissive when its just for a play-party. I was wondering if this "switching" had been an issue to anyone else, and in what ways can I help the flow of communication to helping him understand that for me personally, BDSM has more mental aspects than just the physical ones of a scene? ghita amati

BeingChewsie -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 11:07:21 AM)
I understand what you are talking about, I had a similiar relationship with an an ex-spouse(he was ultimately just trying to please me). I would find this very difficult myself. I am submissive, so turning that off and just being wife would leave me asking" what do you mean?"..and I would ask. It sounds like he wants an equal peer except in the occasional play and you want a relationship that is something at least somewhat different. It is a tough spot to be in. One many women find themselves in. You can't submit in a vacuum, serving isn't submitting, if it were his being dominant wouldn't matter at all, you could just do for him all the time be fufilled. You can't force him to be someone he isn't. You will not be able to force yourself to be someone you are not, without seriously working at it, probably for the rest of yout life. The question for both of you may be how important is it to live authentically(to be who you are) in your most personal and intimate relationships? For some people it is more important to do so than to do anything else, for some people less so. Once you figure that out, then you can work on compromising or whatever you guys decide to do. Good luck. quote: ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati This is my first thread to start, and I dont know if its going to make sense to anyone, but here goes. I know Ive posted quite a bit on this forum lately, fairly recent member, but 90% of the time, when Im answering a question about a D/s relationship, I talk about my previous relationship and discuss that Sir, and not my current. I have been active in the lifestyle, mainly in the Leather community, for almost 10 years. About three years ago I took a step back and began concentrating on other aspects of my life, and during that time met a wonderful man, got married, and had two children with him. We have a wonderful partnership, we talk openly about everything, he's a great father to the children we've had together and he legally adopted my older son right after we got married and is raising him as his own. I knew when I met him that he wasnt into the Lifestyle, although he had been around it for many years, had been to play parties with previous girlfriends who we into it, and was generally open to, with some definantly Dominant tendancies in his personality. Ive slowly begun to realize how much I miss the lifestyle, and have talked about it with him. Over the past year, we have gone to munches, play parties, and demos, weve bought many books that we have read together and talked about, he has begun to let other Doms teach him things, he asks questions, gets involved, and is generally really enjoying his delve into this lifestyle. Where's my problem then? He wants to be a Dom at the munches and play parties, but expects me to "turn off" being a sub when we get back home. Told me last night that when we walk in our front door he wants his wife back, not a submissive. After going through a scene last night at a play party, a rather heavy one, my mind still hadnt compleatly cleared by the time we got home several hours later..i was kind of interested in continuing our play at home (and yes..we have played at home in the bedroom...as play..not really the mental side of D/s). The kids were gone for the entire night to a cousins house, adn I thought it would be a good opportunity to have some time to ourselves. As I was still in the submissive mindset...I guess I wasnt as vocal about exactly what I wanted as I could have been...growing up in the lifestyle I was kinda tought that you find a way to express your desires in a way that makes it sound like the Dom is coming up with the idea..not you. Well, it kinda made him upset..told me if I wanted him to beat me I should have just said so and he was tired of always having to take the initiative, didnt want a submissive at home, it was fun to play at the parties but we were home now and i should just be his wife again. How do i explain to him that my mind takes time to shift from one thing to another. "wife and mother" is a compleatly different state of mind from "submissive" and I cant flip it like a switch..and I dont know how to explain to him the things my mind goes through during and after a scene. ghita amati

slaveish -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 11:09:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati I think what I meant was that, after a heavy scene, Im not always as talkative as a might be otherwise...tend to have trouble forming words. Later on in the night, I was able to stop and go back and discuss what I was feeling, but at that moment, it was frustrating to him for me to not be that same outgoing person I am during the day with the kids. I cant "immediatly" stop a scene, and go back to feeling exactly the way I did before that scene, and I think thats what he is expecting me to do. That's part of the problem. You ~think~ that's what he wants you to do. You don't know for certain. This dynamic is clear to neither you nor your husband, i.e. what your expectations are vs. what reality is. Sit down and go from Square One. This can very easily work (I like MFM's post about serving him 24/7 by being his wife when the two of you aren't at play) but you're going to have to open your mouth (both of you) and work it down from the general to the very specific. Good luck - I wish you well.

FelinePersuasion -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 11:10:17 AM)
Trying to fit dominace and submission in can be very hard, I had a vanilla partner for four years who let me play with others and ocasionally deemed to try and spank me now and then. But who always wished I'd out grow or loose interest in bdsm and in ageplay and animal role play. He was such a passive mommies baby in real life he wouldn't know dominance if it jumped up and introduced itself by first name to him. It can be very hard to put your head back into we're home now not kinky now mindspace. My experinces with trying to blend vanilla most times and play times casually didn't really work out to well. I ended up restening having to go outside my relationship for basic needs. I'm not saying you will or have to go outside for it, not by a long shot. Just saying I never had success trying to blend two needs.

slavegirljoy -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 11:12:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati .....you find a way to express your desires in a way that makes it sound like the Dom is coming up with the idea..not you. Isn't, "makes it sound like the Dom is coming up with the idea..not you", an example of "topping from the bottom"? It sounds to me like trying to manipulate the situation. Maybe it's different for my Master and me but, He has never had a problem with and has always encouraged His slave to express her desires to Him, as long as it's done honestly and respectfully and as long as i accept His answer without fuss, whether it is "OK" or "Not now" or "No" or "I'll see" or any other answer He gives. quote: Well, it kinda made him upset..told me if I wanted him to beat me I should have just said so and he was tired of always having to take the initiative, didnt want a submissive at home, it was fun to play at the parties but we were home now and i should just be his wife again. my Master is more than happy to hear His slave say that she wishes to receive a beating from Him but, it will only happen when He decides to do it, not when i say i want it. quote: How do i explain to him that my mind takes time to shift from one thing to another. "wife and mother" is a compleatly different state of mind from "submissive" and I cant flip it like a switch..and I dont know how to explain to him the things my mind goes through during and after a scene. ghita amati i am not currently a wife but, i am a mother and i am always my Master's slave. i don't "switch off" my "slave self" to become my "mom self" or any other self. i am just always myself, whether i am bound & gagged & being whipped or whether i am taking care of the garden & feeding the birds or cooking supper or going to a PTA meeting or anything else i do. It sounds to me, as though you aren't happy with the way your Dom/husband is choosing to Dominate you. If my Master chooses to not play with His slave for a time, for whatever reason (and there have been those times), that is for Him to decide and for me to accept (or, talk to Him about it and accept) or choose to leave, which i wouldn't do because i have devoted myself to stay and serve Him, in whatever way He decides. i'm not sure what to tell you about the frustration you're feeling right now, other than to continue to talk openly and honestly with your husband about what you're feeling and ask yourself what is more important to you, being treated as a sub the way you want or being the sub that your Dom/husband wants. As a submissive, i have always gotten the most satisfaction from finding out what my Dom/Master wants and doing my best to give Him what He wants and see that He is being pleased by my service to Him. i wish you well in your search for answers. ____________ slave joy Owned property of Master David "..and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." -- F. Nietzsche

BeingChewsie -> RE: how to handle a part time Dom when your a full time sub (6/24/2007 11:18:03 AM)
quote: It sounds to me, as though you aren't happy with the way your Dom/husband is choosing to Dominate you It doesn't sound to me like he is choosing to dominate her at all. He is saying he wants the opposite, he wants to "top" in play, but expects her to be his equal when they hit the door and not be submissive to him. So now not wanting a woman to be submissive to you is dominating them? People can rationalize the hell of out anything I guess.

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