The colour quits and all invade us... (Full Version)

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gadkinsunited -> The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 7:08:20 PM)

So Hi There...

So I did the whole "Introduction Post" thing (http://www.collarchat.com/m_1099638/tm.htm) and made vague references to getting back into the lifestyle, but with no real detail. Which, coincidentally, is the point of this post...

Aren't I clever?

So here's the scoop. My last two relationships (one kink, one not kink) were both horrible failures. I mean, just awful. I'm really surprised that we didn't end up on Springer (is that even on anymore? if not, then where do the lower members of society settle their grievances nowadays?). My kink relationship ended up with my Mistress basically putting me into a somewhat bisexual situation (and can you guess that I'm not bi? of course you can) and my non-kink relationship ended up with me being dumped twice for other women. So, clearly, I'm fail at relationships. I've tried to figure out a way to make me not responsible for it, but with two failed relationships and one failed marriage... well, you sorta see a pattern doncha?

So, of course, I've been a little (lot) bit hesitant (pants-wetting terrified) about getting back into the lifestyle. What really stinks is that there is a very lovely lady in my area who keys into all of my fetishes and she's expressed a willingness to play with me within the realm of my fetishes, but I'm absolutely convinced that I'll screw things up between her and I long before the actual opportunity to play comes about. I've been to a couple of munches since relocating to Portland, but I'm just not feeling the same as I used to. It's as if I've lost all passion for this lifestyle stuff.

On one hand, I wouldn't mind getting back into it because, well, it has been fun in the past. On the other hand, I seem to make questionable choices regarding who to be with and othersuch. I understand that trial-and-error is pretty commonplace in most situations, but I'm reaching a point where I don't want any more trials because I can't deal with any more errors (clever, eh?).

So am I alone in this? I'm sure some of you have had experiences that made you think "Screw this. Far as I'm concerned, the 'B' in 'BDSM' really just stands for 'bullshit' and to hell with all of it forever!" IF you did and got past it, how'd you do it? Has it been worth it? Or do you wonder if you were better off shunning any/all relationships?

Thanks for reading. This whine brought to you by the fact that I'm getting tired of downloading porn and wouldn't mind a real partner... *weeeeeeeee*



slaveish -> RE: The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 7:26:40 PM)

~cracked UP~

Welcome to the boards.

You know, I'm a slave (duh), but I would have NO trouble going with you to these events and whacking you really hard with a crop when I felt you were making poor decisions. Hell, for that matter, I might even whack you for the fun of it. Lemme know if you need my help. I'm just nice like that.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 7:39:30 PM)

Well it seems you do not definitely lack a sense of humor, which is really important when you find yourself in the midst of rejection and poor choices. And as you also know,it is pretty well guaranteed that many if not all have been there done that and have the t-shirt, and blood stain remover ,to prove it.But with all that aside, I know of many who have left...for a time..and could not stay away.A sabbatical, if you will, is sometimes good.But  life is for living and not shutting yourself off, and wether you meet that someone special or not, you can always comfort yourself with the fact that you kept open to the possibilities, had a few experiences, good and bad along the way, and that you did not hide...but lived!...Tempting



gadkinsunited -> RE: The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 7:44:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

~cracked UP~

Welcome to the boards.

You know, I'm a slave (duh), but I would have NO trouble going with you to these events and whacking you really hard with a crop when I felt you were making poor decisions. Hell, for that matter, I might even whack you for the fun of it. Lemme know if you need my help. I'm just nice like that.


Just make me feel sexy, but not slutty ok? And dinner first would be nice. :P



winterlight -> RE: The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 7:48:48 PM)

Loves Temptings pic of the girl under the watefall. Gorgeous!



becca333 -> RE: The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 7:49:07 PM)

Why not just go to local muches and things and take it slow for a while?  You don't have to be in a relationship until you're ready.

If you really think that mistress is right for you, get to know her.  Find out if you're right for her, focus on her needs. 

Or forget BDSM entirely and find some new hobbies.  Line dancing?  Crochet?  Collecting bottle tops? 

Maybe BDSM isn't that bad after all....



gadkinsunited -> RE: The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 7:54:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333

Why not just go to local muches and things and take it slow for a while?  You don't have to be in a relationship until you're ready.

If you really think that mistress is right for you, get to know her.  Find out if you're right for her, focus on her needs. 

Or forget BDSM entirely and find some new hobbies.  Line dancing?  Crochet?  Collecting bottle tops? 

Maybe BDSM isn't that bad after all....


That's what I'm trying to do. It's just hard because I find myself physically lonely. That's the biggest problem in all of this. If I could just eradicate my need for human touch and whatnot, I'd be golden. That just isn't terribly feasbile though. As far as hobbies go, I've got a couple that make me happy.. namely World of Warcraft (I know, I know) and football (er.. soccer). WoW can only do so much and, unfortunately, English Premier League Football is on a break until August *cry*. So it's hard to focus away from the needs within. As far as the Domina I'm talking to... we'll see how that goes.



slaveish -> RE: The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 7:56:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gadkinsunited

Just make me feel sexy, but not slutty ok? And dinner first would be nice. :P



If I'm paying for dinner, a little friendly public humiliation will be on your menu.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 8:08:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: winterlight

Loves Temptings pic of the girl under the watefall. Gorgeous!
Thank You winter..[:)]..Tempting



gadkinsunited -> RE: The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 8:28:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

If I'm paying for dinner, a little friendly public humiliation will be on your menu.


Then it better be good dinner :P



crouchingtigress -> RE: The color quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 8:32:51 PM)

what you have done is assigned a meaning to a fact. the fact was that the relationship in no longer, the meaning you have a assigned is that you are a failure.

this would be the same as me thinking that because i was a customer of Crazy Eddie, and that store went kaput, that this some how reflected on who i am.

wrong.

lets say for sake of argument the above example is to obtuse, the reference too dated and you think that i am all wet...that because your 2 relationships failed this does indicate that you are indeed a failure.

well ....but that is who you were, that is what you did create, but please dont forget that: "A failure is a man who has blundered but is not capable of cashing in on the experience."

all your experiences prove about your life is that you sometimes cant get what you want, but beyond that there is no evidence of failure unless, you decide that you wish it to be so.



LadyPaige -> RE: The color quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 9:25:39 PM)

We gain experience from our errors, allowing us to benefit from those mistakes.  If you hide from life, then you have suffered for the mistake, but haven't taken advantage of the experience that should help you make a better choice next time.



ChainedExistence -> RE: The color quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 9:31:06 PM)

This sounds SOOOO familiar! I also counted myself the failure in my marriage and BDSM relationships. How could I think otherwise? They were all horrible and left me feeling incredibly alone. So, I did step back. Partly because I told myself there wasn't going to be anyone for me, but mostly because I was tired of feeling like such a loser. I kept up conversations and activities with friends and acquaintances, but stopped actively pursuing anything more. Then, when I was not looking at all...that's when someone found me-someone who ended up turning my world around. I like to think it's because I was more relaxed-just being myself and not being SO NEEDY and DESPERATE. I let my hair down, and was laughing and joking with friends when he approached. It all happened so fast that I didn't even have the time to let myself get scared and pull away. I certainly had walls that had to be eroded over time, but initially he was just another friend who became more. I know it's difficult to let go but sometimes it's the only thing that works. As for the past,  it is simply that. It doesn't have to be the definition of who you are now. If you recognize certain things about yourself that are lacking, actively work on correcting them. Do you forget to show someone you care? Do you get too heavily involved in your hobbies? Are you guilty of unfairly fighting with your partner? Only you know those things that have created tension in past relationships. Relationships are work, BDSM and otherwise. The past has given you a wealth of information to use to make yourself better, and more clearly define what you want. It doesn't have to become your future.



MzMia -> RE: The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 9:38:43 PM)

gadkinsunited, what a breath of fresh air you are!
Hang in there, you will be snatched up again, and
get what you deserve! [:D]



gadkinsunited -> RE: The color quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 10:43:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

*snip* that because your 2 relationships failed this does indicate that you are indeed a failure.



The thing is. I take my last few relationships and try to find some common element or theme to them. So far, I'm the only common element. I can't even figure it out either. It's not as if all the women were the same, each was different (and not in the generic sense of "different" either). I mean, one was a single girl (my eventual ex-wife), one was married and in a poly relationship (my former Mistress), and the third was a bored housewife who eventually divorced her husband (not for me). In all three of these examples, they're different personalities. The one constant? Me. The constant of behavior was me trying to be the best I could for them and for me. To talk about my needs and wants. My ex-wife ended up wanting our "open" relationship to be open for just her. My ex-Mistress actually let some guy touch my dick without my wanting it (not bi), not to mention letting her husband use a singletail on me at a party (again, don't play with guys) and not telling me. My ex-girlfriend was intrigued by the idea of an open relationship and ended up going out with a girl, suddenly decided she was a lesbian, and proceeded to dump me. In all of the examples, again, I'm the only constant. So there has to be something *I* am doing and damn if I can't figure it out...



Owned1 -> RE: The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 11:20:48 PM)

Hiya Gadkin

I took a peek at your profile, nice pic "drools"  and your sense of humor comes through as well both in your profile and your post.  Never fear, you have picked yourself up and are moving on, your mail box should be full to overflowing soon.  Keep up the open honest attitude, tighten your seatbelt cause I think you are in for one heck of a ride.

Owned



gadkinsunited -> RE: The colour quits and all invade us... (6/23/2007 11:31:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Owned1

Hiya Gadkin

I took a peek at your profile, nice pic "drools"  and your sense of humor comes through as well both in your profile and your post.  Never fear, you have picked yourself up and are moving on, your mail box should be full to overflowing soon.  Keep up the open honest attitude, tighten your seatbelt cause I think you are in for one heck of a ride.

Owned


Would you believe no one emails me? it's crazy.

And no, that's not a desperate plea for email :P



yrstocollar -> RE: The color quits and all invade us... (6/24/2007 3:33:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gadkinsunited

The thing is. I take my last few relationships and try to find some common element or theme to them. So far, I'm the only common element. I can't even figure it out either. It's not as if all the women were the same, each was different (and not in the generic sense of "different" either). I mean, one was a single girl (my eventual ex-wife), one was married and in a poly relationship (my former Mistress), and the third was a bored housewife who eventually divorced her husband (not for me). In all three of these examples, they're different personalities. The one constant? Me. The constant of behavior was me trying to be the best I could for them and for me. To talk about my needs and wants. My ex-wife ended up wanting our "open" relationship to be open for just her. My ex-Mistress actually let some guy touch my dick without my wanting it (not bi), not to mention letting her husband use a singletail on me at a party (again, don't play with guys) and not telling me. My ex-girlfriend was intrigued by the idea of an open relationship and ended up going out with a girl, suddenly decided she was a lesbian, and proceeded to dump me. In all of the examples, again, I'm the only constant. So there has to be something *I* am doing and damn if I can't figure it out...


Of course the common element is you! But you shouldn't be worried about you... you seem lovely! What strikes me as more interesting and what you should be looking at is how you behave in relationships. The common element that I can see (and bear in mind this is only a VERY simple analysis with very little information)... is that you allow yourself to be victimised by placing others needs above your own.

Now I'm going to get shot down in flames of course but hear me out... It takes 2 people to be playing roles in relationships and we commonly fall into 1 of 3 in "unhealthy" relationships. Victim, persecutor and rescuer. At a basic level you seem to be spending most of your time in the roles of rescuer (just doing things for other people all the time eg agreeing to an open relationship you maybe weren't comfortable with because you wanted to make them happy... or making sure her needs were always met but never asking for your own to be) or victim (people taking advantage of you eg breaking agreements, not caring about your needs, lying, cheating, forced bi etc.).

The way to beat this pattern... and rest assured there is! Plus you seem smart and funny enough to work most of this out anyway... but basically as I see it if you work on being assertive about your needs and opinions and limits then they will be respected more. Being assertive is tricky and takes time and practise but when you're doing it well within a relationship it's much like "training" the other person to respect you... the same techniques are used in bdsm.... rewarding the other person when they respect your boundaries and clearly and carefully explaining things when they're not... and of course being consistent.

In addition to being assertive it helps if you play the role of "caring" instead of "rescuer" and it's important that you recognise and play the role of "vulnerable" at times instead of "victim".

I won't go into it all now... could go on forever... but if any of this rings bells with you or anyone else, feel free to message me on the other side for more info.



yrstocollar -> RE: The color quits and all invade us... (6/24/2007 3:38:13 AM)

PS. I reckon you should go ahead and play but set firm limits about how it's going to work. Set up good strong boundaries to start with. Start with limited play and keep it that way for a while. Have good, open, honest communication. Spend this time as equals, not in bdsm roles. Gain that respect right from the start. Everything else will naturally follow better if you lay those good foundations first.

Good luck!



Stephann -> RE: The color quits and all invade us... (6/24/2007 4:02:35 AM)

gadkin,

Welcome to the site. 

Patience is a virtue.  It's also a miserable fact of life.  Your sense of humor is great.  Your self-depreciation isn't.  People like people with confidence; you seem to be a little emotionally raw at the moment, and that usually isn't sexy.

Instead of wondering why things went bad, put the losers you dated in your past in their place; THEY missed out on someone great.  THEY screwed it up.  It just frees you for meeting someone who really is worth your time and effort.

Regards,

Stephan



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