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How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 7:41:00 AM   
octavia


Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline 		This question isn't limited to just D/s relationships but it is in relation to D/s so wanted to get some feedback. 

I haven't dated in years until about 9 or so months ago.  In the last several months I have been dubbed the first date queen because I go out on so many first dates but never seem to find one that I am interested in dating more than once. I got rather frusterated a few months ago and then figured out that the problem was I am submissive and i was dating vanillas.  
Did an aboutface and  solved that problem.   Now I talk to Dom's, don't waste time on vanilla men who don't turn me on and am finding myself more interested in continued conversations. 
My problem now  is, my only real point of reference for dating is wayyyyyyy back when i was a kid really.  The rules and guidelines that served me well then, really aren't applicable anymore.  I keep finding myself feeling skittish and scared, reserved and distrusting.  I have talked to a few men and one in particular has come on so strong he scares the hell out of me.  The problem is, I really can't see any red flags.  I can't come up with any reason to put the brakes on other than my old mind set and dating rules from my youth.  I grew up, with the believe that going to fast was a bad idea.  Trust takes time.  Getting to know someone takes time.  Too fast is just .. bad. period. 
His point is life is too short.  We both already know it "seems" like a good fit.  (See, that is what i do, he would say that, I would inject the word "seems")
Basically it feels like he is pushing, pulling me to this and I am resisting like a cat being taken to a bath.  I'd welcome imput but very much value anyone who is willing to share their own experience with this topic.

Gratefully,
octavia
B
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 7:50:00 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		octavia,

if it wasn't coming on too fast, you wouldn't be asking yourself 'is this too fast?'

I'll offer a couple suggestions.  First, if you feel it's going too fast online, it probably is.  What might seem fantastic, could very well be a guy who's desperate.  Within a week you could go from happily collared, to miserably in debt.  If he's leaping into "I love you" before you have decided you really even like him, it's time to put on the brakes.

This doesn't mean such men have no potential.  The realm of online dating is still new, and society is sorely lagging behind.  My advice would be to set up a first date to meet face to face, before you permit any sort of romantic overtures.  Granted, it could be expensive; long distance relationships always are.  They simply aren't financially viable for most folks.  That's up to you and he to decide if it's worth the investment.

Set your first date up so that you're not feeling obligated to either play or sleep with him. Make sure you or he has a motel room.  The 'spare bed' or 'spare couch' in your house isn't likely to be used, and you're far more likely to give into the temptation to 'settle' for him since he's right there and put so much time and effort into visiting you.  Don't.  You'll be selling both of you short.

The next day, you'll have had the 'shiny new wrapper' feeling subside, and you'll have a better chance to get to know him, for who he really is.  From there, it'll be a lot more like you met a guy at a coffee shop or bar yesterday, and today you're seeing him again.  This is where your old dating habits will serve you well; the warning signs will become more obvious, and you'll feel a lot more confident about deciding if this is a man you really want in your life.

I hope this is helpful,

Stephan




_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to octavia)
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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 7:56:09 AM   
nearnyccouple


Posts: 70
Joined: 3/22/2007
Status: offline 		octavia,
time for some is a relative term.  its true that life is short, but we all need to move along at a pace that doesnt make us too uncomfortable.  in some respects im a fatalist, in the sense that whats meant to be, will be, in its own time frame.
its totally understandable that youre a little gun shy and more cautious, given the amount of time that has passed since youve "dated." 
i use to be a total 'damn the torpedos, full speed ahead person", and found in the end it didnt work for me.  if this Dominant is truly interested in persuing a relationship with you, in my opinion he should respect your reserve and desire to take it slowly.  the possible rewards far outweigh the extra time it will take to learn about each other, and for you to feel comfy.
 
cassie
 

(in reply to octavia)
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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 8:00:08 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Too fast is when you think it's too fast.  The red flag is the one telling you that he's moving too fast.

We live in a world of disposability.  Everything, especially people and relationships are disposable.  There are too many ways and means to start a new relationship for most people to waste all that time getting to know someone.  Instant gratification is the be all and end all.  " I want this, I want it now, I will have it now or I will move on" is not the way to build a relationship, and it sounds like you know that.


_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to octavia)
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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 8:03:57 AM   
queencaliph


Posts: 131
Joined: 6/4/2007
Status: offline 		What you were taught growing up is correct.  Too fast is a bad idea.  You said he is coming on so strong that it scares you. That's a red flag by itself. Trust that fear.    If he is pushing and you are resisting, your gut instincts are telling you that its not time to go forward with this.  Follow that instinct.  If you and he are looking for long term there is no rush to get to where you are going.  Life is short but if you don't play it smart and safe life can get a heck of a lot shorter. 

_____________________________

"awwww hell......the Queen!"

(in reply to octavia)
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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 8:03:59 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Pushy Dominants are a dime a dozen. I would advise caution. A Dominant who is secure in who he is and what he wants doesn't need to push, push, push to get what he wants.

If you were to imagine having the feeling of being so drawn to someone that you find yourself just wanting to please him, that you feel so completely comfortable and yet have that tingle down, you know where, that you are about to start an exciting adventure, with me, I think that is when you can realize that this is what you want.

I don't think it is the speed you are going is the problem. You are being uncomfortable with him trying to push you into something you aren't sure of yet. Follow your instincts, and slow it down. Someone who wants to steamroll you into a relationship is going to steamroll over you once you are in that relationship.

If on the other hand, you explain that you need to slow down, and he is good with this, then I would think further conversation might be worth while. Good luck.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to octavia)
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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 8:05:33 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		If it feels too fast for you, then it IS too fast for YOU at this time. And someone worth His salt would respect that when you explain that you want to take things more steadily as you are just moving into this. I'm in agreement with Stephan in that if it is at all possible, arrange a nonthreatening public meeting ... a coffee meet. Public place, all clothes intact, just a coffee and a chat. And I second the idea of your own hotel room if you're the one travelling ... or Him in a hotel if He travels to you. No rushing things. If and only if you felt safe enough to subsequently play with Him, the scene must be negotiated between the 2 of you while still in a vanilla setting ie not once you've got your gear off! I would advise against anything overtly sexual the first time, and also I would suggest avoiding bondage as that leaves you very vulnerable. If you want to experience the feel of ropes that can be done effectively with something like a rope harness ... ropes are used on you but you are still able to move, you are not bound to anything or in a position where you couldn't run if you needed to. Trust takes time to build ... and while I understand the "life's too short" idea ... why risk making it a whole lot shorter by being in too much of a hurry and making a bad choice!

Cultivate friends on these boards and in real life if you can run things past if you are unsure!

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to octavia)
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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 8:45:23 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Dominic,

While I agree with your premise, I would only like to add that there is a certain measure of confidence that is healthy and useful for a dominant in pursuing a potential relationship.

Because we're talking about online to offline, sub/slave women can get anywhere from a handful to dozens of emails each day.  It stands to reason, that if one of the qualities that the submissive is seeking in a man is dominance (and possibly even aggression) it would be those qualities that would make him stand out amongst others.  If the dominant in question, here, was genuinely a concern, it's safe to assume that octavia could simply have stopped communicating with him.  For some reason, she hasn't.

So yes, as we agree, it can be a red flag.  It can also be a desirable trait, depending on the person.

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to SirDominic)
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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 8:58:09 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Life may be short, but an unhappy life is an eternity.  I think it's worth the wait.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 8:59:24 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Stephen, I don't disagree with anything you said. What I was saying is that being overbearing (pushy) is not a trait of someone with confidence or dominance. There are right ways to show dominance and aggression and wrong ways. This guy is the latter.

Namaste, Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 9:11:11 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Too fast is different for each of us. I was like you, and I've never been a jump into the pool type, always dip a toe and slowly ease in.

I used this as a way to see if I was compatible. Because if he really was interested in me for the long term, then waiting a week or two is not the end of the world.

So when I began to feel pushed too far I told him I needed to slow down. The one who did is the one I'm with. The others, who claimed they all knew what was best for me even before we met got 'thanks but no thanks'.

Because if they couldn't slow down in the talking phase, I didn't trust them to slow down when things were too much physically. Basically telling them I needed them to slow down was an emotional yellow. If they blew me off then I decided that I couldn't trust them to honor my limits in other areas either.

(in reply to SirDominic)
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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 9:29:42 AM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		I just recently got over my last dating round with vanillas {off and on for the last 2 or 3 years}, and MJ an I found eachother, we have been friends for years, so it was more like we found out that we could be 'more than friends' and we are taking things slow. I have been in relationships where things moved very quickly, it scared me as it does you, mostly because, you don't really get to know someone until you see the through many different things, and the seasons. Having known MJ for over 3 years is a blessing, we know sooo much about eachother, if we had moved at a faster pace, I doubt it would be a good thing, for us. I'm a fan of Dr. Phil {no negative remarks please} and his suggestion is that if you are going to be with someone for the logn term, be with them for a year before any formal commitment, beucase you need to see that person through ALL seasons and holidays, you get a better sence of who the person is, verses, jumping off the cliff blindfolded and finding out that their was aligators at the bottom, this way, you have a better idea.
 
My advice, take things slower. Life is not rushed, and relationships should not be either.

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http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 9:43:15 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		first & foremost, no matter what... trust your gut
If you think it is too fast, don't let someone push you.

Now for a touch of humor.
Keep these two things in mind.

The only difference between men & boys is the size & cost of their toys.

Why buy the cow when the milk is free.

I can sympathize with your dilemma. When I got back into a dating scene after ending a very long term relationship I too thought all the rules has changed. They hadn't. The only rules that matter are the ones you create & apply to yourself. If someone cannot respect your rules... they're most likely not going to respect you & they're most likely focused on their own agenda.

So what if you have a lot of first dates with no second dates... its much better than sitting at home with NO dates at all. You are under no obligation to these men & if they are pressuring you to move faster than you are comfortable with they might just be the sort that would get what they want & be done with you. If someone is truly interested in you they will not pressure you... patience most often equals real interest.

Good luck

_____________________________

MstrssPassion


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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 9:51:15 AM   
BrutalMasterOne


Posts: 53
Joined: 4/8/2007
Status: offline
A slightly different point of view
You and most here talk about "doms" and/or "dominants." I agree with most of what has been said here. BUT a "Master" and I think of that as something very different will want, and should want control right away. As I see it Masters are a selfish and in many ways self centered bunch. But a good one will also be understanding, but if yoiu feel rushed and if you worry then perhaps the right one has not been found? It is very hard on this site to find real people let alone a good match. But follow your heart, it rarely will guide you in the wrong direction...Disclaimer-unless you have a history of it doing so.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 10:00:55 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		well that is one perspective

I'll offer quite a different one.

A master should be one with experience... not someone who claims a bold title. An experienced master knows that control is not be immediately awarded, it comes with time & once the submissive surrenders. An experienced master has the knowledge that moving too fast will cause a submissive to shy away. A master would also know that being overbearing is a clear sign of arrogance. A master will have the experience & first hand knowledge who to encourage a submissive gain trust in their presence because a master understands that pressure promotes anxiety & mistrust.


< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 6/22/2007 10:02:21 AM >

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MstrssPassion


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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 10:19:32 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		My first early experience in dating after coming off of a long period of celibacy was sort of like what you describe.  I chatted with him in an aol chat room, and he was very intelligent, something that is a big plus in my book.  He was also very forward.  I wasn't used to people approaching me like that anymore.  He was charming, we spoke almost every night for about a month.  All the while he was pushing for a meet,  even though I was hesitant.  His personality was intense.  He was very forward and suggestive.  He wanted to meet me for coffee but had a length of requirements for our first meeting to set the mood.  They were the usual net dom fantasy things, no panties, skirt, stockings, front hook bra.  He wanted me to dress that way, but being me, I told him that my first meeting with someone I met online would be MY way.  And if he wanted to meet me, he would have to agree.
So we met at 6 weeks.
He was shorter than I thought.  And bald.  And .. I don't know.. smaller.  I wasn't attracted at all, though he did still have that marvelous voice!  Because we met on my terms, the date was strictly for coffee and chat.  He did try to get my panties off.. and though it was tempting, I resisted.  I didn't feel obligated to have sex with him, or to submit at that meeting.  True he had driven 2 hours to see me, but in my view that wasn't far.  I drive that for good shopping!
It turned out to be our last meeting.
He seemed nice.  I just wasn't into him.
A couple days later one of my online buddies asked if she could stay at my place since she was flying in to meet a dom.  Guess which one?
Yep, it was him.
Turns out they had been talking around the same timeline as I had chatted with him.  And she knew something I did not.  Apparently there were a few others in our chat room that were after the same target.  My friend was hoping to beat them to him.
LOL.  I let her know I had met him already, and though he wasn't my type, he seemed nice enough.  She came, met (and btw, followed his dress guidelines), and stayed the night at his place.
And that was the last time she saw him too.
I don't know how many others opted to meet him. 
I would imagine based on my chats with him he was very successful.
But I will always be glad I had done this before and could avoid the "need" thing my other friends seemed to have.
A couple of years later I ran into him again online.  He still was single and fancy free and had not found the one he sought in all that time. 
I wonder if that is because he rushed.  Or because that rush was his whole game.

The best thing anyone can do is to pay attention to their base instinct.  Mine told me it was too soon to jump.  Meeting is fine.  Just don't feel obligated.  Do things because you feel it.  Not because someone wants to make you believe you feel it.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to octavia)
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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 12:24:49 PM   
SeeksOnlyOne


Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		when the lil voices in my head scream "this is moving too fast", i listen to them......they know me better than anyone it seems.

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it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 12:31:13 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		I completely understand where you are coming from...and what i had to learn that helped me was....a relationship is a relationship...SAME rules apply....i am just kinky and slave like to boot...LOL good luck and go at the pace that is comfortable for YOU...if this man is REALLY interested in you as a person he will respect your wishes and back it down a tad....

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*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to octavia)
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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 2:56:58 PM   
jaunty1


Posts: 102
Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline 		All I can say is that I agree with what everyone else has said. If you think things are going too fast; then they are going too fast. Anytime you have to question whether something is right; chances are that they are not. Take things slow, go at a pace that suits YOU, not someone else.
 
Live well
 
Alex

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RE: How fast is too fast - 6/22/2007 3:34:32 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Like others have said if it feels to fast to you then it IS to fast, no one els can tell you that it isnt to fast aspecially not the one that is pushing you to move faster then you wish. He says your fit sooo well, well aparently you dont as he wishes to move mush faster then you are wanting to and there for it isnt such a great match. I would also question why he is wishing to move so fast, moving fast to me in and of itself is a red flag.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to jaunty1)
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