talking too much (Full Version)

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defiantbadgirl -> talking too much (6/18/2007 1:26:35 PM)

I have a problem. I've been told by several people that I talk too much and I think it turns men off.  This is how it usually starts. I'll be having a normal conversation with a man when all of a sudden he gets quiet. I try asking him questions to keep the conversation going and once he answers them in one or two short sentences, it's back to two people staring at each other in uncomfortable silence. Then I start talking and end up rambling. When I'm in groups, it's the exact opposite. I listen to other people talk and only speak up if I have something to add to the conversation or if someone asks me a question........which usually ends up being "Why are you so quiet?" Not talking as much in one on one conversations doesn't seem to help either because the guy ends up asking why I'm so quiet. The only time I don't have this problem is when talking on IM. because men actually make an effort to keep up their end of the conversation. It seems like I'm forever being accused of either talking too much or being too quiet. Any advice?.



juliaoceania -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 1:33:40 PM)

stop trying to fill the silence with "noise" and protect your conversation partner from being uncomfortable... if he gets uncomfortable enough he will fill the silences with questions or statements or change the topic... you can't have a conversation by yourself, and it is not your job to keep the conversation going. I find that talking about things that my date is passionate about keeps the conversation flowing... and taking a real interest in his ideas



windchymes -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 1:48:51 PM)

I'm curious what kinds of questions you're asking.  Obviously, "yes & no" questions and "short answer" questions (Do you like this?  Do you like that?"  Who's your favorite________?) don't keep a conversation sparkling.  Most men love to talk about themselves, especially their jobs.  "Why" questions give them a lot more to talk about, and also show that you're interested in delving into their minds.

How are you listening?  Are you looking him in the eyes and smiling while he's talking?  Or are you looking around the room thinking of what YOU are going to say next?  Are you facing him, arms open and relaxed?  Or are your arms folded defensively across your chest?  It's possible that you are unintentionally giving off body language that you're not interested in what HE has to say.   Being a good listener is probably more important to being a good "conversationalist" than talking is. 

Or, it might just be a Greg Behrendt moment....he might just not be that into you :(  Oh well, his loss, move on! 

Edited to add:  

I just had another thought.  I just read something this morning about bad breath being one of the leading turn-off's for people looking for potential partners.  Find a good and trusted friend and have her do a sniff test.  (Sorry! But it happens to all of us!)



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 1:51:15 PM)

Good advice from Julia- being comfy in silence is priceless.  Try and ask two questions for every one you answer.  Conversations take two people- both have to be engaged and engaging for it to work.  And just be yourself- I'm betting some people love your over talking.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 1:54:11 PM)

I try asking them about their jobs, their interests, what they did that day or week, etc. It seems like no matter what I ask they don't want to answer any questions with more than a few words unless they are on IM..



defiantbadgirl -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 2:16:31 PM)

I hope I'm not coming off as whiny because I'm trying not to be. How can a woman  get a man to talk more in person the way they do on IM?



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 2:21:20 PM)

You could tease and ask for a DNA test to prove that they are the same talkative type- help break the ice.

Or you could chalk it up to the reality that online personality/chemistry isn't the same as offline and you guys just don't have chemistry offline.



sleazybutterfly -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 2:41:22 PM)

I can understand where you are coming from.  I have a habit of not liking silence when I am one on one with someone new.  I feel like I have to fill in gaps, or my nerves just take over and I babble.  I start out in an intelligent way, then I realize a few minutes into it I have no idea what the hell I have even just talked about.  I do the same as you in groups also, I get very quiet and let others talk.  I am sure that I come across as a snob or something, but I am actually down to earth..just quiet.

Sometimes I just have to stop, take account in my head what I have said, then just make myself sit there.  I have the hope they will say something now, or the whole thing just slowly falls apart and the chemistry isn't there.  I have found that men do open up more on IM for the most part, I just don't think they seem as comfortable in person, like they might let someone get a peep at some secret part of them.

I know that none of that probably helped, just know you aren't alone in it...good luck.



juliaoceania -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 2:49:33 PM)

You know... in groups I talk a lot.. one on one I talk less...hmmm... I wonder why that is?



slaverosebeauty -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 3:00:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl
I hope I'm not coming off as whiny because I'm trying not to be. How can a woman get a man to talk more in person the way they do on IM?


Take the advice from COSMO.. ask men open ended quesitons with no 'short answers.' ie... 'if you could be any person for a day, who would you choose and why?' 'what is your favorite childhood memory?'.. thats sorta stuff.. or just read Cosmo, they have that stuff at the bottom of the page through out the magazine.
 
MJ an I can go on and on on IM, on the phone at times He is rather quiet and in person, it depends; I can be a bit of a chatter box in person, MJ has very subtle signals I have picked up on when I have talked too much, but since we have this new 'policy' of explaining things and keeping open communication, He kinda HAS to talk, I have a tendancy to 'jump' if He doesn't explain certain comments or things, so thats one way I get Him to talk.
 
Remember that, nothing is wrong with silence at times, sometimes just being with someone is a great connection.
 
Remember women use more words in a day than men do, about 40 or 50% more {I can't remember the actual figures} on a daily basis, so getting a man to talk, takes some effort.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 3:01:42 PM)

Glad to know I'm not alone in this. What's really funny is, many of the same men who complain about women talking to much are the ones who ask the woman a bunch of questions to get her to talk so they don't have to. Can anyone can come up with a list of questions women can ask men that will prompt a response of  more than one or two sentences?



defiantbadgirl -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 3:08:37 PM)

slaverosebeauty: you have come up with a couple of good ones and I will make note of them, thanks



to all you men out there: How can a woman get you to talk her ear off? 



slaverosebeauty -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 3:11:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

slaverosebeauty: you have come up with a couple of good ones and I will make note of them, thanks



to all you men out there: How can a woman get you to talk her ear off? 


Your welcome. If you email me, I will go through my stack of Cosmo's tonight and get a BUNCH of other ideas for you. I knew those things would come in handly.
 
 
Answer to your 'man' question.. ask them about sports, guys can talk for HOURS and HOURS or cars; sheesh, at times I have been so bored, I have zoned out hearing about those things, but, it got the guy talking. Just be carefull for what you wish for.



windchymes -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 3:19:47 PM)

There's also the possibility that when the guy suddenly stops talking, maybe he's thinking about kissing you, but your rambling on makes him lose his nerve?  



Aileen68 -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 3:21:21 PM)

That's why men invented gags.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 3:28:53 PM)

Possibly. How many minutes of silence does it usually take for a man to think about kissing a woman and then actually do it? I agree that silence can be a good thing in some cases. Unfortunately it can also lead a man to think negatively about a second date if both people just sit there and stare at each other for too long.



Level -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 3:55:28 PM)

As some said, silence can be golden. Comfortable silence.



dawntreader -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 3:57:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

That's why men invented gags.


Aileen, you are priceless!![:D]



marieToo -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 4:01:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

That's why men invented gags.


Oh please!  Men didn't invent gags. They were born with them already attached.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: talking too much (6/18/2007 4:04:16 PM)

Invisible gags that keep them from talking so they just sit there and stare at women instead.



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