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hmmm - 6/18/2007 9:43:54 AM

goodgirl85

Posts: 221
Joined: 4/16/2007
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Hmmm. So I was late calling my Dom today. And not by a few minutes but by a whole eighteen minutes. I don't know what happened. I was reading and looked up and it was eighteen past twelve. I apologized but he didn't say if he was mad, or whatever. He said something along the lines of him coming second to reading. He was sure the only thing that could keep me from being on time was witnessing an accident and carrying burning children from a building. Then he made a comment about my last performance with him. Something that displeased him.

He didnt call me angel-his nickname for me. And on top of that I will have little communication with him for the next few days, as he is going on a business trip.

Thing is, I am not supposed to be getting attached to him. I don't feel like I am getting attached. I am not ready to declare my undying love for him nor do I cry at night because I know this will never progress into a real commited relationship. It is purely an arrangement between two people who need something. He is not married, nor am I. But for all intents and purposes, he is my dom, my daddy. And I am his little angel.

I realized the other day that what I have with him, is what i want for the long term- only with the commitment and love and the such.
But I guess I went off the subject and my main question is, with no attachment, with this just an arrangement- something a little more than playmates, something a little less than partners- should I feel so bad about missing ONE phone call-- and not even missing it- just being late???

girl

Post #: 1

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 9:46:27 AM

Aileen68

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If you had an arrangement that you agreed to to call at a specific time then you should have made sure to call at that time. Get a watch with an alarm so that it doesn't happen again.

(in reply to goodgirl85)

Post #: 2

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 9:47:23 AM

rrivrsong

Posts: 13
Joined: 8/1/2005
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you are the only one who can answer that for yourself. I wish you lots of success and joy in finding the space that fits for you. :)))))

(in reply to goodgirl85)

Post #: 3

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 9:48:59 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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No. You made a mistake. If he feels it was something to merit some form of behavior training, then he can say so and enact it. If not, you accept the apology and move on.

Instead his behavior SEEMS like pouty overreaction- specially with the addition of a jab about your previous performance- somehow not relevant until his feelings were hurt?

If he wants you to improve your performance in the future, there are ways to do it. Causing a big emotional upheaval over it is counter productive to the overall security of the relationship. But then, you must own your emotions for yourself and REALLY see whether he's actually placing this burden on you, or if you are carrying it all on your own.

You guys need to talk about this and it's too bad you can't do it now- talk about what he means by attachment, what he expects, let him express how he feels and hopefully you can honestly express how you feel. Solidify your expectations in eachother, in the relationship and in training/behavioral consequences for future instances.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to goodgirl85)

Post #: 4

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 9:51:33 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
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Were you to call at a specific time? My guess is yes.

Should you feel bad? ~shrug~ Is it important to you to do as he asks?

Protocol, my dear. The little things do make a diff. If you agreed to call him at a specific time, then you, as submissive, did not follow through with a command.

Apparently, this "just an arrangement" is not what you are looking for since you are making light of it. If it is not something you take seriously then perhaps this is not the dynamic for you. I have known Doms who would make a ~much~ bigger deal out of 18 minutes than your Sir did.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to goodgirl85)

Post #: 5

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 9:57:03 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish
I have known Doms who would make a ~much~ bigger deal out of 18 minutes than your Sir did.

Really? Wow, was it like an emergency? Or was there only a very small window of time to talk?

I can't see missing a general conversation call by 20 minutes as that big a deal in the large order of life- no wonder people have so many heart attacks and strokes!

Do I want a sub to call when they say they will call? Yes.

What happens if they forget and it was just an ordinary call? If I felt it necessary, I'd enforce some negative punishment, if I felt it wasn't, I'd express my displeasure, accept their sincere apology and move on.

So many bigger things to deal with.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 6

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 9:59:32 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
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Ok, this is going to sound 'guyish' almost to the point of being clinical. Your feelings about him in general, are not related to your frustration in calling him late and being chastized. Obviously, you're angry at yourself for making the mistake. Having him voice it just makes you feel worse. It's like the arguement over a broken dish that becomes a state of the union, three hour shouting match that had nothing to do with the dish.

So, take the advice; get an alarm. He sets rules, you want him to set rules, don't be surprised when he calls you on it.

As for the longer, heavier questions, your third paragraph states your original expectation is to have a semi-platonic, casual relationship sans love. Your fourth says that you've decided that you want more. You should let him know how your feelings are changing (and admit to yourself that they have, indeed, changed.) Don't expect him to reciprocate. If he does, great; you guys have a future. If not, than I'd say it's time to start curtailing the relationship. You can't expect him to give more than he is prepared to give. You can't fault him for not sharing your feelings, especially if you both had already agreed not to allow such feelings to come between you. No, it's not your fault or his; there's no blame involved with feelings changing. It's just part of life.

Good luck,

Stephan

_____________________________

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(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 7

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 10:04:26 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
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True, many bigger things to deal with; but in my experience, time relevence seems to be a ~big~ issue ... or perhaps that is the personality type I'm attracted to. ~shrug~ Hard to tell.

For example, my former Sir had a busy professional schedule, and outside his profession he did not have a whole lot of free time. He expected me to respect his time. Eighteen minutes to him was a VERY large deal, a punishable offense. I didn't take it seriously at first, didn't see how a few minutes could matter, but I learned that tardiness was not acceptable to him. Master is the same to a degree - if he gives me an order, he expects me to follow it to the letter.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 10:25:33 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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I feel that it's perfectly normal. Wanting to do your best should be a goal in life. You don't feel like you did. All there is to do now is to fix it so that you don't repeat the mistake, if you can do this. Setting an alarm might help.

It also sounds like he filed something away rather than sharing it with you and now that you've disappointed him again, he's brought it out as amunition. That's not fair nor is it healthy. This kind of thing leads to the "straw that broke the camel's back" kind of thing. Ask that he share with you what happened.

Also, if him not calling you his angel bothers you, bring that up, too. He needs to explain why he withdrew that so that you clearly understand what's going on. Most likely, it's due to his disappointment. Ask if he ever intends to bring the nickname back and if so, when.

Master Fire

_____________________________

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(in reply to goodgirl85)

Post #: 9

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 10:49:37 AM

texaskristy

Posts: 23
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline

Even though you and your Dom don't intend to have long-term loving relationship, you still have a relationship with each other and you made a promise, which you broke. Honor and dependability on both parts in the relationship is important for trust to exist. Heck, with anything in life, if you make a commitment, it is important to keep that commitment. I am sorry if this seems harsh, but I would suggest taking your commitments more seriously in the future. When you keep your commitments I think you will find that you will be happier and you won't end up feeling the angst that you are clearly feeling at the moment.

(in reply to goodgirl85)

Post #: 10

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 11:22:37 AM

Eldritchdancer

Posts: 101
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline

In my experience, there are some (NOT ALL) Dominants who feel being late is Disrespectful. They equate it to Disobedience. It is the "Do what you say. Mean what you say" deal.

I do not especially agree with this line of thinking, but I accept that it exists.

So, my answer for the OP is: Shit happens. I've lost hours in a book. While a book is not more important than my partner, it should be acknowledged that being a little late once in a while is not earth-shattering.

I agree that a watch with alarm, or an alarm clock for the reading area, would be good. Especially if your Dom is going to act this way over a few minutes.

And the phone works both ways. At 5 minutes late, if timeliness is important, He could have called you.

Master Darkmoon

(in reply to texaskristy)

Post #: 11

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 11:26:03 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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Yes, he is Your Master, you should feel bad.

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Mistress Hathor

(in reply to goodgirl85)

Post #: 12

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 11:46:54 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

i think you are basing the "wrongness" (for lack of a better word, if it is even a word) of what you did on the level of affection and committment you feel you have with him. What i am reading between the lines, and please correct me if i am wrong, is you feeling it's not such a big deal to follow his instructions to the letter because your arrangement is casual to you. The problem lies in the fact that he feels differently, no matter how casual things are, if you call yourself his sub then he expects you to obey him. Maybe you both should sit down and talk it out - maybe you don't want to be held accountable to such an extent when your emotions aren't that invested.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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Post #: 13

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 12:07:46 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl85

Hmmm. So I was late calling my Dom today. And not by a few minutes but by a whole eighteen minutes. I don't know what happened. I was reading and looked up and it was eighteen past twelve. I apologized but he didn't say if he was mad, or whatever. He said something along the lines of him coming second to reading. He was sure the only thing that could keep me from being on time was witnessing an accident and carrying burning children from a building. Then he made a comment about my last performance with him. Something that displeased him.

He didnt call me angel-his nickname for me. And on top of that I will have little communication with him for the next few days, as he is going on a business trip.

Thing is, I am not supposed to be getting attached to him. I don't feel like I am getting attached. I am not ready to declare my undying love for him nor do I cry at night because I know this will never progress into a real commited relationship. It is purely an arrangement between two people who need something. He is not married, nor am I. But for all intents and purposes, he is my dom, my daddy. And I am his little angel.

I realized the other day that what I have with him, is what i want for the long term- only with the commitment and love and the such.
But I guess I went off the subject and my main question is, with no attachment, with this just an arrangement- something a little more than playmates, something a little less than partners- should I feel so bad about missing ONE phone call-- and not even missing it- just being late???

girl

You call him "your" dominant, "your" Daddy. That implies a relationship of some sort within the D/s realm. No matter how casual, it sounds as if you were aware that calling him late would possibly result in him being upset. Did he act a bit pouty? Yes...there was no need to take a jab at your performance when that has nothing to do with your being late with a phone call. However, if the two ARE related and there have been other things "slips" going on as of late, then it is possible that he is noting them and decided to call you on them.

You seem conflicted...this arrangement is what you want (you yourself noted it) but it is what you want in addition to the love and commitment. Since that is not present and you admit it, then you class the arrangement as casual. Seems to me like there needs to be some clarification as to what you have committed to in your mind in terms of the D/s structure and what he has committed to.

(in reply to goodgirl85)

Post #: 14

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 12:13:01 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
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Whether the relationship is causal or not you agreed to submit and obey rules the Dominant has set forth. If you are willing to shrugg off the little rules and expectations all the does is set a precidence for larger rules and requests.

Once you start letting yourself ignore some you're more likely to start ingnoring more.

Personally, when in a relationship I treat rules and expectatios on a similar level unless expressly told that something is a low priority. That way I don't slip and think that something isn't really that important.

After being told more then once that i was not supposed to assume I knew what He wanted, or would want. I finally learned.

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(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 15

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 12:33:44 PM

LadyPaige

Posts: 187
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I agree with the previous posts about being respectful and follwoing through on your promise. I didn't read from your post though that he necessarily got "pouty". He commented that he came second to reading, then commented about your performance previously. Perhaps these two comments were linked to indicate that he felt you weren't taking your commitment seriously. And if his feelings were hurt by this trend, what's wrong with that? Doms are allowed to have feelings too.

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 16

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 2:33:30 PM

restlessdreamer

Posts: 60
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline

I can only offer reflections of my own experiences here, but I feel I can relate in a small sense.

I am one that strongly resents 'guilt trips'. If one cannot be clear with their feelings in regards to a relationship with me, or what is expected of me - then I resent the effort of a guilt trip as an attempt to pull emotions from me that I do not feel.

I get the sense that this is what you are reacting to goodgirl. He has withdrawn affection without clearing defining his feelings on the matter. Instead of that clear communication, he is attempting to make you feel something you don't through what I see as underhanded means.

Should you feel horrible for the late call? That is only for you to decide - it is my opinion that not even a Master can dictate your emotions. Either you do or you don't. Guilt trips just add to confusion and resentment.

I would start there. Communicate. Don't lie to yourself so you are not lying to him and hopefully, that same expectation can be extended to him.

(in reply to LadyPaige)

Post #: 17

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 2:43:20 PM

curiouslyseeking

Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl85

my main question is, with no attachment, with this just an arrangement- something a little more than playmates, something a little less than partners- should I feel so bad about missing ONE phone call-- and not even missing it- just being late???

girl

Greetings goodgirl...

This is very simple for me....it's called integrity..

you said you would do something at a specific time....whether it was to a Dom, arranged Dom, deranged Dom, friend, co-worker, etc....

I would feel bad because you specifically agreed to do something and did not follow through ...

personal integrity....

~curious~

< Message edited by curiouslyseeking -- 6/18/2007 2:49:48 PM >

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"

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Post #: 18

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 2:49:34 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Someone losing track of time for 20 minutes does NOT equate to completely losing one's sense of integrity, cmon.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to curiouslyseeking)

Post #: 19

RE: hmmm - 6/18/2007 2:52:11 PM

curiouslyseeking

Posts: 924
Joined: 1/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Someone losing track of time for 20 minutes does NOT equate to completely losing one's sense of integrity, cmon.

Greetings LA,

I did not say "completely losing"...its a matter of integrity...

Not doing something (especially with a specified time) goes to personal integrity in my opinion...the 20 minutes late is a justification,...

....and I can even add disrespect for the other person's time...

Perhaps, I set my personal standards too high...it's just me...

~curious~

< Message edited by curiouslyseeking -- 6/18/2007 2:56:12 PM >

_____________________________

"The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose to have no choice"

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Post #: 20

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