Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 1:56:33 PM

EvaLass

Posts: 83
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

I myself am very inexperienced in the BDSM scene. I was speaking with a submissive who is likewise testing the waters. She has met a Dom (not a pro) that she really likes who has offered to train, mentor and guide her for eight months, maybe longer. They would develop an agreement on the level of control/authority he will have over her life and decide areas where she will retain control of her affairs - such as finances, living arrangement, etc. They are very attracted to each other and interested in exploring the possibilities of a long-term relationship, but neither is ready to make a firm commitment to each other yet. They both want to play with, and probably date, other people. They recognize that may become close and decide to commit to each other as a couple to before the 8 month period is over.

She is excited about the possibilities because this relationship will provide her with the chance to play and learn from someone she trusts. Of course, there are always downsides to every partnership, but she and he are very aware of the possible pitfalls. It is really a limited contract with clear expectations, subject to modification and change based on how their relationship develops. I should point out that they are in their early 50s.

She asked me if I had any perspectives to share, but I don't know of any guidelines. Does anyone have any experience with this type of D/s relationship based on mentoring and teaching and/or with the type of contract they might develop? She is wondering how she will present herself in the scene because she will still be semi-independent, with the freedom to explore with others.

< Message edited by EvaLass -- 6/12/2007 1:57:42 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 2:02:06 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I dunno, this whole thing seems like a serious commitment to me.

If they don't want a commitment- then don't have one. Go date, hang out, have fun. If you see something you want to dominate, bring it up. If you see something you want to be dominated in, bring it up. Talk it out and see what you want.

But if they insist...

http://www.collarchat.com/m_545721/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#546253
Contracts- who uses them?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_537964/mpage_1/key_contract/tm.htm#537987
contracts (5)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_507069/mpage_1/key_CONTRACTS/tm.htm#507258
contracts

http://www.collarchat.com/m_484623/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#485005
contracts, necessary or not?

http://www.collarchat.com/tm.asp?m=425700&mpage=1&key=contracts&#425768
bdsm contracts

http://www.collarchat.com/m_15441/mpage_1/key_contract/tm.htm#15441
Master/slave contract

http://www.collarchat.com/m_21514/mpage_1/key_contract/tm.htm#21514
CONTRACT

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1001/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#1001
Contracts for servitude the good, the bad, And why is it so different between Masters n Mistresses?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1108/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#1108
Contracts?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_17858/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#17858
Should slaves be able to submit to legally binding slave contracts?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_20389/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#20389
Enforcable "slave" contracts

http://www.collarchat.com/m_22380/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#22380
Contracts (AGAIN *LOL*)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_24502/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#24502
Breaking COntracts

http://www.collarchat.com/m_34466/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#34466
Contracts for sub

http://www.collarchat.com/m_46146/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#46146
Contracts (2)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_82470/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#82470
Service "contracts" (no it isn't about legality)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_93072/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#93072
slave contracts

http://www.collarchat.com/m_96407/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#96407
Contracts, again...

http://www.collarchat.com/m_111463/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#111463
written contracts?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_111845/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#111845
The question of written contracts

http://www.collarchat.com/m_162840/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#162840
merging wedding vows and Ds contracts

http://www.collarchat.com/m_212413/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#212413
Contracts (3)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_278323/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#278323
Dom/sub written contracts

http://www.collarchat.com/m_287421/mpage_1/key_contracts/tm.htm#287421
slave contracts, good examples needed

http://www.collarchat.com/m_71935/mpage_1/key_contract/tm.htm#71935
D/s contract

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to EvaLass)

Post #: 2

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 2:08:05 PM

imthatacheyouhav

Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline

I personally couldn't commit to someone if i knew they were seeing, playing or dating others....

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 2:42:28 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

mentoring a person differs from training, training differs from playing, & playing differs from commiting

as for giving over control of finances & living arrangements... that sounds like a marriage or domestic partnership & that should be addressed in the form of legal documentation

Tell your friend to slow down a bit, enjoy having fun & dating this new person & not make any commitments that she couldn't easily get herself out of until she has a much better understanding of who she is dealing with & what she may be getting herself into

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)

Post #: 4

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 2:48:23 PM

grlneedstolearn

Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline

i do and i love it, though a lot of people out there may not see this as appropiate. As soon as my mentoring is done with, i will be able to move onto another Dom who will hopefully collar me in the future. i'm enjoying every part of it and wouldn't change it. Best of luck to her

(in reply to EvaLass)

Post #: 5

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 3:31:33 PM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

my view of a contract its it is really more of an agreement that can be changed at any time by either party. They are not legally binding and only held together by the pledges of the two people involved. i am not sure i would sign one, but if i did i would make sure i was able to stick to what i had agreed as my word is my bond.
As always opinions here will be divided and your friend has to do what she feels is best for her.

< Message edited by Politesub53 -- 6/12/2007 3:32:13 PM >

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)

Post #: 6

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 3:40:24 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

You say they are very self aware and understand the pitfalls and possibilities, but my concern is the atatement of their attraction to each other. That sets alarm bells to me and seems a little more serious than just mentorship or casual teaching.

I think they both need to sit down and be open and honest with each other about their feelings and whether they are prepared to be poly - this seems an important point to me from reading your post. Because this is what they will techinically be, if she and he are free to explore with others as well.

I do not understand the need for any contract, other than discussing and communicating in a healthy way.

Peace

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to EvaLass)

Post #: 7

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 5:29:46 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Would she, in a vanilla relationship, start off engaged or married? Mentoring through experience is one thing....adding a contract is another. In reality, a contract isn't needed. Just my opinion, though.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to EvaLass)

Post #: 8

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 5:30:43 PM

MissDiandSirHugh

Posts: 1158
Joined: 8/11/2005
From: Goondiwindi ( Qld )
Status: offline

We are wondering if not only your friend is just testing the waters but if the Dom is also rather new as well.
As to them working out a contract it would be rather best as already stated they both talk and firstly get to fully know each other and find out how far and how much time and effort the other is going to commit to the other both personally and in the life style as neither can give full commitment to either if they are also enjoying time and commitments to others.
What would happen if your friend wished to be with the Dom to ask a question or for help and guidance but He has decided to enjoy time with another so not available to do what He has said He would in being there for her?
She can still learn and have some play with someone she has got to trust with out the need to make any contracts and in seeing others with out any contract can also help her learn and guide her as to exactly what she seeks which after time could indeed be the Dom she is so hopeing is for her but then may not be either so then can easily just say so with out any trouble be that in a month or 2 or even after 8.

_____________________________

HoRoo for now from Us both and enjoy all you read even if you don"t agree with us or others.
Knowledge is no Burden to Carry

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 9

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 6:25:14 PM

EvaLass

Posts: 83
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

quote:

Tell your friend to slow down a bit, enjoy having fun & dating this new person & not make any commitments that she couldn't easily get herself out of until she has a much better understanding of who she is dealing with & what she may be getting herself into

This strikes me as excellent advice. I think you are right on target. Thanks for the insights.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 10

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 6:34:06 PM

EvaLass

Posts: 83
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

ORIGINAL: MissDiandSirHugh

quote:

What would happen if your friend wished to be with the Dom to ask a question or for help and guidance but He has decided to enjoy time with another so not available to do what He has said He would in being there for her? She can still learn and have some play with someone she has got to trust with out the need to make any contracts and in seeing others with out any contract can also help her learn and guide her as to exactly what she seeks which after time could indeed be the Dom she is so hopeing is for her but then may not be either so then can easily just say so with out any trouble be that in a month or 2 or even after 8.

After reading your post and the other wise responses, I am inclined to tell her that a contract is unnecessary and unwise, that she could learn from and play with this Dom, but that she needs to keep seeing others and keep her options open. It seems like he wants to keep her close by but maybe this is less than ideal for her own growth.

(in reply to MissDiandSirHugh)

Post #: 11

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 6:41:32 PM

EvaLass

Posts: 83
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

You say they are very self aware and understand the pitfalls and possibilities, but my concern is the atatement of their attraction to each other. That sets alarm bells to me and seems a little more serious than just mentorship or casual teaching.

I think they both need to sit down and be open and honest with each other about their feelings and whether they are prepared to be poly - this seems an important point to me from reading your post. Because this is what they will techinically be, if she and he are free to explore with others as well.

I find this to be a profound observation. Powerful sexual attraction is an exciting but explosive force. What I have gotten from reading the responses, overall, is that these two people are going to have to come to grips with what they really want from each other. And, if they are really as attracted as they believe they are, maybe they need to wait until they are really ready for a serious commitment, as opposed to a pretend one.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 12

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 7:00:48 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

If they are both new to BDSM and are older and more mature, then they are likely to have done quite a bit of research and homework, reading all the "Castlerealm" type websites and absorbing all the theory. Great! But they may then think that they "ought" to have a contract and that they "should" do things certain ways. Not so good. If they have talked about expectations, as they have, then they are on the right track, and the fact they want a contract is a good indication of seriousness. But the contract might work better if it is simply a contract to agree to sit down and renegotiate after a set period (eight months has been mentioned). My Master and I found that worked well for us. Our first contract was a "fun" one, the only key point of which was to renegotiate after a year. We are now married, but still have our annual talk about where we're at and where we want to go. Contracts should be living documents if they are to work.
:))
LH
PS With Master's permission, I am more than happy to post our first contract by way of example

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to EvaLass)

Post #: 13

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 7:50:31 PM

Joseff

Posts: 505
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline

It sounds to me as if your friend and the potential have thought this out rather well already. As long as they observe the normal safety guidelines, I figure things will work out for them (this based strictly on the information you have supplied). Unfortunately, the only thing I really know about contracts is that they are NOT legally binding, and will not stand up in court.
Joseff

(in reply to EvaLass)

Post #: 14

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/12/2007 7:52:25 PM

RealDom69

Posts: 64
Joined: 4/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeart

If they are both new to BDSM and are older and more mature, then they are likely to have done quite a bit of research and homework, reading all the "Castlerealm" type websites and absorbing all the theory. Great! But they may then think that they "ought" to have a contract and that they "should" do things certain ways. Not so good. If they have talked about expectations, as they have, then they are on the right track, and the fact they want a contract is a good indication of seriousness. But the contract might work better if it is simply a contract to agree to sit down and renegotiate after a set period (eight months has been mentioned). My Master and I found that worked well for us. Our first contract was a "fun" one, the only key point of which was to renegotiate after a year. We are now married, but still have our annual talk about where we're at and where we want to go. Contracts should be living documents if they are to work.
:))
LH
PS With Master's permission, I am more than happy to post our first contract by way of example

Yes you may ... it might just remind you of your place....

:))
Johnny Reble

_____________________________

"Winners make things happen; losers let things happen."

(in reply to LadyHeart)

Post #: 15

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/13/2007 12:24:02 AM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RealDom69

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeart

If they are both new to BDSM and are older and more mature, then they are likely to have done quite a bit of research and homework, reading all the "Castlerealm" type websites and absorbing all the theory. Great! But they may then think that they "ought" to have a contract and that they "should" do things certain ways. Not so good. If they have talked about expectations, as they have, then they are on the right track, and the fact they want a contract is a good indication of seriousness. But the contract might work better if it is simply a contract to agree to sit down and renegotiate after a set period (eight months has been mentioned). My Master and I found that worked well for us. Our first contract was a "fun" one, the only key point of which was to renegotiate after a year. We are now married, but still have our annual talk about where we're at and where we want to go. Contracts should be living documents if they are to work.
:))
LH
PS With Master's permission, I am more than happy to post our first contract by way of example

Yes you may ... it might just remind you of your place....

:))
Johnny Reble

Um has she forgotten her place Sir??

Magik's wise ass slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to RealDom69)

Post #: 16

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/13/2007 1:49:07 AM

Totalmaster4you

Posts: 1359
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

Pays my 2 cents. I think the contract is a good idea. It allows both parties to write down their concerns, want, and boundries. Actually writiing things down helps you look at what your getting into and therefor helps minimize surprises. The 1st. contract should be no longer than 30 days with no automatic renewal so you have to look at what worked and what didn't. Hope your friend is very happy

_____________________________

Sometime ago I decided it was time to change my nic. However I didn't wish to disconnect from my original profile. Since then I've signed Touch your mind (TYM or Tym). Opinions in my posts should be taken as my opinion and my opinion only.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 17

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/13/2007 5:39:56 AM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

If If If they take the view that negotiating the contract is the valuable part not the finished document, then the contract could be a good idea. Sitting down and writting out the things you are responsible to the other person to do, and what they are responsible to do for you, for many people makes it "real" for them for the first time. (before that it's all theory for them).

(in reply to Totalmaster4you)

Post #: 18

RE: Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts - 6/13/2007 8:31:21 AM

suboregano

Posts: 15
Joined: 11/18/2006
Status: offline

I agree with LadyHeart that contracts work best if there are scheduled periods (say once a month) where both partners sit down and discuss how the contract items worked and didn't work, and then decide on changes. And Castlerealm has excellent guidelines for creating a contract. Contracts don't work for all relationships, and many people don't like them becuause even with periodic revisions it is too restrictive for some people, and too hard for the Dom to make changes as S/He needs too. However, in a mentoring relationship like what your friends are interested in, where both partners want to be able to date with others, i think that a contract might help to clarify boundaries and expectations, and eliminate misunderstandings.

As far as how she should present herself in the scene, that is really between her and the Dom that she will be working with, but perhaps it would be the simplest to say that she is "in training with X."

Here is a link to the section on contracts on the Castlerealm site. Both you and your friend might enjoy looking at it if you are not familiar with it: it has pages of excellent information and advise on starting out in the scene. http://www.castlerealm.com/library/signing.shtml
http://www.castlerealm.com/library/contract101.shtml

Hope that helps!

oregano

_____________________________

Nothing can be sole or whole
That has not been rent. --Yeats, "Crazy Jane Talks with the Bishop"

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 19

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Seeking Advice for Sub Friend: Contracts

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.186