LadyHeart
Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
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As posts like yours tend to put potential exploiters on high alert, please forgive me for re posting my standard reply. It's not just for you, but for others in the same position - hope it helps.
On BDSM lists, it is common to see Dominants who offer “training”. How can an inexperienced submissive differentiate between those who are genuine, and those who are sexual predators? Our view is this: The difference between a predator and a mentor relationship hinges upon two things: costs and power balance.
With a predator there are always costs – financial costs, sexual costs and/or emotional costs. On balance, the predator gains, the victim loses. There is always an inequality in the power structure. The predator is in charge, the victim does their bidding. In a mentor relationship the power is shared – there is negotiation, with both parties having an input. You could compare it to the difference between a lecture and a dialogue.
In a BDSM situation, a mentor is one who is equally willing to share their knowledge with Dom/mes or subs, males or females. This is because there is no ego investment involved. The mentor is a healthily self assured person who freely gives of their expertise, because their payback is the pleasure of seeing the other person grow. Of course it gives them a buzz – but the buzz for the learner is just as great, as they master the skill or concept.
If there is a power exchange it is only in the temporary context of the learning situation itself – it doesn’t extend beyond it, and it is the choice of the learner – they are not coerced into it. Similarly with any sexual content in the learning – the learner has asked to explore that aspect of their sexuality, it is not something that the mentor has determined they will do and forced upon them.
In a mentor relationship, both parties control the content of the learning experience. Both parties have input into what is taught and learned, but the focus is primarily on what the student wants to learn rather than on what the mentor wishes to teach. The mentor seeks feedback from the learner, listens to it and responds appropriately to it. The learner is free to accept the learning or to reject it – there are no punitive consequences for them. When a mentor challenges the learner to step out of their comfort zone, it is an invitation, not an order. The mentor seeks to draw out the learner’s potential, but the learner is free to walk away at any time.
Predators are usually skilled at emotional blackmail, threats and manipulation. They seek to keep the learner in the relationship, so they can continue to exploit them. The mentor, on the other hand, encourages and supports the learner’s growth, because it is not a threat to them. The mentor will encourage the student to end the lessons when they decide the student has learned what they contracted for; the learner will end the lessons with the predator when they realize they are being taken advantage of. The mentor and the learner are likely to remain friends; the learner and the predator usually part on bad terms. The predator tends to have a history of failed relationships, which have ended acrimoniously, because they blame others for their failings. The mentor tends to acknowledge their mistakes and admit their fallibility. They do not blame the student for failure to learn, but look to their own teaching methods and try to improve them.
The mentor is open to learning from the student, and does not set themselves up as someone whose credentials place them above criticism. Consequently, they are open with others about what they are doing, because they have nothing to hide. Where there is honesty and integrity there is no need for secrecy. As part of the learner’s development, the mentor encourages them to have contact with others in the community, they do not seek to isolate them from it. Like a good parent, the mentor’s ultimate aim is independence for the learner, not dependency.
Mentors do not usually advertise their services aggressively – people tend to seek them out rather than the other way around. They are regarded as trustworthy people within the community who have mastered certain desirable skills, and who have the willingness and ability to instruct others in attaining those skills themselves. In a mentor relationship, the mentor often works for free or at their own cost, giving of their own time and resources. They see it as giving back or passing on that which others have generously shared with them. A predator takes more than they give. Most often, they take money or power. But whatever they take, they do not give value for it. Their promises and what they actually deliver do not match up, or to put it another way, they do not walk their talk.
The acid test of whether someone has been dealing with a mentor or a predator is to ask them afterwards how they felt about it. A mentor will leave them enriched with a sense of pride and achievement; a predator will leave them feeling used and ripped off. A mentor will therefore be able to refer the learner to previous submissives, who will freely give favourable testimonials.
Our thoughts, with thanks to the mentors who have guided us in our own growth and development.
_____________________________
"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."
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