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Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 12:13:21 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I recently had a "play date".  This is not something I indulge in often as it only fufills momentary needs as opposed to long term.

Anyway, this is someone I had played with in the past, and during that time, there were moments when he was not as "cautious" (for lack of a better term) as he should have been.  The play involved anal fisting, something that when done correctly, I am quite fond of.

During discussions about this, I explained that it is something that must be done very carefully, using copious amounts of lubrication and works best when the "fistee" is very aroused.  Even under ideal circumstances, anal fisting may be a bit uncomfortable, but under NO circumstances should it result in any bleeding.

Well, play time begins, and first there is play with butt plugs.  Initially, he thought he wouldn't use lubrication on the plug, and submissive/bottom (whatever one cares to call someone during a "playdate") or not, I told him he had two choices, use lube or watch me walk out the door.  The ultimatum, while not making him happy, did make him comply. 

Quickly after very little plug play, he decided to move on to his true desire to fist my ass.  I was about aroused as someone sitting in a dentist's chair.  Immediately I could tell that he had either been stingy with the lube or used none on his hand.  I told him to stop.  Not the "oh please sir, no, stop" kind of stop, but the I am no longer the least bit submissive stop.  He didn't stop.  I, again, louder, demanded that he stop and squirmed to get his hand (however much he managed to get in there) out.  This stupid fool then attempted to pin me down!

This man is quite a bit larger than I am, but adrenaline being such a wonderful thing, I got him off of me, loudly reminded him that I said stop and proceeded to punch him, pretty hard, right in the face.

I'm not asking anyone to tell me whether I was right or wrong.  Nor do I want to hear why I gave someone a second chance who I questioned to begin with.  I just want to know has anyone ever encountered such an experience before?

By the way, before anyone starts with safety issues and what not, there were several people who knew where I was, safety calls were set up, etc.

I have never hit anyone in my entire life, have always managed to let my words handle any issues.  But I must say I am pretty proud of myself for actually turning around and punching the guy.  When I called my primary safety call person and told them what happened, he asked if I slapped him.  I think he nearly peed himself when I said, no I punched him in the face (he knows my views on things like that).
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 12:26:35 AM   
DixieAngel


Posts: 32
Joined: 3/21/2007
Status: offline 		Wow, so sorry to hear about this happening to you. I see what he did to you nothing less than rape. Yes i have had this happen to me a long time ago, different scenario though. Not sure what else to add other than i would never enter into play without a safe word but doesnt sound like it would have done any good anyway unfortunately.

< Message edited by DixieAngel -- 5/28/2007 12:29:44 AM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 12:36:14 AM   
MasterNdorei


Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		You are not the first person i have heard of having a man be too agressive on the first play date. Far from it! i have friends who have been hit more powerfully and repeatedly than they wanted, i know people who were biten without consent, pissed on without consent... the list goes on and on. Some of these things happened in private, some at public dungeons.

So to answer your question, has anyone had this happen? i am sure someone will step forward who has, i am not one of them, but i know others with similar stories.

Be Safe~*
Master's dorei


(in reply to LafayetteLady)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 12:36:20 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		DixieAngel,

While I agree that safe words are very important, and even the word "stop" in play doesn't mean necessarily stop, trust me, the way it was said, there was no mistaking it.

Thanks for your sympathies though.  They are much appreciated.  I was, luckily, able to stop things pretty quickly and don't feel terribly traumatized by the event, probably because of how I handled it.

I did, I admit, make a poor judgement call even bothering with him again after the first time.  I had recently been going through some rough personal stuff and thought that some recreational activity might be helpful.  What I found was that all the built up anger and frustration that was caused by those problems actually came in handy, giving me that little extra something that said, I've had enough and you get to have the brunt of everything because you are the last asshole I am capable of dealing with right now.

(in reply to DixieAngel)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 12:40:49 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		MasterNdorei,

Please don't misunderstand.  This was not a FIRST playdate.  This is someone that I had played with in the past and have talked with for over a year.

I honestly wish that all who engage in playdates didn't feel that because they are sub/slave/bottom or whatever they have to tolerate it because of their position.

Guess I wish all good Dominants and Masters would group together and tell them, if this happens to you, go ahead and beat the living daylights out of them, because they are giving all of the good ones a bad rap.

(in reply to MasterNdorei)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 12:52:15 AM   
Rafters


Posts: 266
Joined: 3/9/2006
Status: offline 		Amen Sister

To quote Churchill Stupidity should be painful
If you going to be taken down badly, try and take the bastard down with you.

< Message edited by Rafters -- 5/28/2007 1:05:48 AM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 4:21:07 AM   
Elorin


Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		Sorry to hear about your bad experience. I've had play dates before, both public and private, and luckily have never had anything like this happen before. I did have a submissive once almost take out the top that she was assisting as he played with me because he repeated an activity I obviously didn't like. When I didn't safeword she stifled it but she found it hard to watch him do anything other than what I thoroughly enjoyed.

~E

_____________________________

'cause when i look down /i just miss all the good stuff / when i look up / i just trip over things

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 4:35:04 AM   
Aileen68


Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		I think you handled the situation quite nicely.
The only thing that may have made it even more effective would have been to add a nice hard kick to his balls.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 4:43:10 AM   
Domspaintoy


Posts: 158
Joined: 2/25/2007
Status: offline 		Well done for stopping at one punch!! id have introduced him to a stiletto heel as well before my departure!


(in reply to LafayetteLady)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 4:57:32 AM   
gothicdiva


Posts: 111
Joined: 2/16/2005
Status: offline 		I would say that took some "guts" for you to do that. I certainly understand that it was an action/reaction response because your adrenaline "kicked in." You know..."fight or flight." Still, it could have been dangerous. You're lucky that he didn't retaliate and either hit you back or WORSE! I'm sorry that happened to you and with someone that you obviously had established a trusting relationship with over time. It makes you wonder if you can ever really know or trust someone. Apparently, there are some that you can't. It's scary that there are those type of people out there that only care about their needs and have no respect for yours. It's also unfortunate that quite a few of them often chose to label themselves as "Doms" or "Dommes."

Be well,
M. Diva

< Message edited by gothicdiva -- 5/28/2007 5:02:25 AM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 6:29:32 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		You have totally hit the nail on the head explaining with a real situation the problem with the 'lifestyle' and communication.
When two people get together to play or to have sex talking about it doesn't really help that much. And it doesn't matter how long you have known someone as a vanilla person you don't know them BDSM wise or sex wise.
The only way is to do it and find out. Trying to make sure that neither party abuses the other.
No matter how much I tell people that I don't play at BDSM they don't understand what I am saying. I do it. It's who I am. But I try very hard not to abuse people.

(in reply to gothicdiva)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 6:35:13 AM   
bipolarber


Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline 		Has it ever happened to me? Not in exactly that context, no. But I did have one guy who wanted to "bareback" me, despite me telling him I was only into safer sex. I finally had to shove him face first into a wall, while holding his nuts in my other hand while explaining basic sexual etiquette to him. It didn't end well.

You stopped a rape in progress. Don't feel bad about it. I agree with the others who've responded. You should have done more to him in retribution. How else would he ever learn?

(in reply to gothicdiva)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 6:37:16 AM   
LaMistressa


Posts: 460
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		I probably wouldn't recommend throwing a punch (as it might escalate the situation and he was bigger than you), but getting out of there was absolutely the right thing to do and understandable. Anal play with no lube and not respecting safewords makes me want to drive over to his house and punch him, myself! 

(in reply to lateralist1)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 6:38:23 AM   
MsCece2u


Posts: 85
Joined: 9/10/2005
From: DC
Status: offline 		It amazes me that some people would do something like this.  I say hi five for the punch in the face and I also admire your ability to stop with just one punch.  I'm all for the stiletto to the balls.  I am glad to see you made it through the ordeal with out being seriously injured because it sounds like this dude had no clue and never bothered to listen to what you explained to him in the first place.

_____________________________

Ms Cece
Tis better to let people think that you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

(in reply to lateralist1)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 6:50:27 AM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		FR.  Has it happened to me?  No.  My dynamic makes it unlikely that I'd be bottoming, and I've never had it happen as a Top (and of course, who would admit to it if they did, as nonconsensual behavior/rape is pretty much the only taboo in wiiwd.)   I've had submissives stop Me when something was too painful/too scary/not what they'd hoped for, but -- to use the cliche -- "no means no" in this context.

I want to focus on something you said, Lafayette Lady, and I admire you for saying it, and I realize well I'm stepping into that oh-so-politically incorrect area of daring to suggest that a submissive has some responsibility in these areas:  "I did, I admit, make a poor judgement call even bothering with him again after the first time.  I had recently been going through some rough personal stuff and thought that some recreational activity might be helpful."
 
What he did was inexcusable, and your response was appropriate, if not a bit dangerous (supposing that blow to the face had gone awry and he decided to retaliate?  Or suppose he is a "hot reactor" for whom a punch is a cue to unleash his obviously not well controlled anger?  You might well have been beaten, or worse.)  But what you did -- listening to that inner voice that told you seeing him again was a bad idea and then ignoring your own best counsel -- is contributory and deeply unwise.  When you are vulnerable generally, and when your inner self says "no", listen to it.  No means no coming from inside, too.

I am glad you escaped intact and with a sense of your ability to protect yourself.

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to bipolarber)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 6:55:39 AM   
orphaned


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/8/2007
Status: offline 		Good for you! (For punching him.)

I'm so sorry this happened to you ... Its happened to me on a couple occasions. I don't play anymore for various reasons; that being one of them. I just don't feel safe anymore.

Do press charges. (If you can ... I hate how difficult it can be to get justice in these situations but this is obviously a man who WILL rape again.)

I didn't and I regret that to this day.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 7:48:54 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		First, I'm very sorry this happened to you, LafayetteLady.

Second, I'm proud of you for fighting back, making your call and getting away.

Third, if you want to press legal charges then my greatest prayers to you in doing so. That is another very difficult decision that people are forced to make when others have no sense of human value or self control.

Now I'm going to make a suggestion that may not be popular with others.

If you are ever asked about this man in the future, tell the person asking that you had a very bad experience with him. If they ask more questions than this tell them only what you are comfortable with. People continue this type of behavior as long as others are silent about them. My guess is that a person like this will not offer references with much detail if he is asked for them.



_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 7:56:42 AM   
Calandra


Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:


Not sure what else to add other than i would never enter into play without a safe word but doesnt sound like it would have done any good anyway unfortunately.

 
Um, unless it is a resistance play scene, STOP is a safeword. It's also criminal to continue without making sure the person isn't saying stop as part of the fantasy.

_____________________________

Lady Kathryn
Athens, Ga.
House of Phoenix

"Nothing is ever final until you're dead - and even then I'm sure God negotiates" Anjelica Huston in Everafter

(in reply to DixieAngel)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 9:02:53 AM   
amaidiamond


Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline 		Though for me the only safeword I have is Red - regardless of scene a genuine STOP, NO, is entirely different to a *play* Stop, No, etc.

I hope the punch hurt like hell

(in reply to Calandra)
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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 9:13:03 AM   
EvilGeoff


Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
I'm not asking anyone to tell me whether I was right or wrong.  Nor do I want to hear why I gave someone a second chance who I questioned to begin with.  I just want to know has anyone ever encountered such an experience before?



Being on the Top side of the equation I've never had that happen to me, nor have I  pushed anyone to that point.  (Though I DID have janey turn around on me once and say something like: "I've got 40 acres of ass back there, and you've hit the same damn spot 43 times!  CHANGE PLACES!"  *LMAO* )

Sorry that happened to you M'Lady, but BRAVA! on the way you handled it!

YIK,
- Geoff

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
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