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RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 9:25:11 AM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I've no idea what it's like in the States and I don't have a great deal of knowledge of what it's like in England regarding the way in which rape victims are treated BUT I know that I have never and would never report sexual abuse to the police.
Was it against the law when a friend put me over his knee and spanked me very hard in public?
Is a man sticking his cock in my mouth without prior consent against the law?
I know that when I was given two black eyes it was.
I know when I was fucked at 13 and 15 years old it was against the law but of course I didn't report it. I'm not sure I knew then though.
Is men playing with my sexual organs from 8 years old upwards against the law?
I still don't really know what would have happened to them if I had told anyone.
I told my first husband years later he didn't seem to think that there was anything wrong with it.
I didn't know that I had been sexually abused.
When a Dom tied me up in a club and proceeded to beat me black and blue without telling me what he was going to do and with no safe word consensual 'play'?
Oh and then handing over to someone else to complete my humiliation. Was that consensual?
I could go on but I think you have got the picture.
The words 'stop I don't like this' are not in my vocabulary. The facts above probably tell you why.
Some men are dominant by their size and their selfishness and their lack of ability to damn well ask. Even some men who say they are submissive.
Some very strong women live in abusive situations because they can't see a choice.
I'm not just talking about men who actually hit their partners but the ones who display behaviour that gives their partners room for doubt if they are not getting their own way.
Sounds like I'm submissive doesn't it?
I'm not I'm probably the most dominant woman I know but I pick my fights and
experience just tells me not to mess with some men.

(in reply to Calandra)

Post #: 21

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 9:36:39 AM

MistressNoName

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

I've no idea what it's like in the States and I don't have a great deal of knowledge of what it's like in England regarding the way in which rape victims are treated BUT I know that I have never and would never report sexual abuse to the police.
Was it against the law when a friend put me over his knee and spanked me very hard in public?
Is a man sticking his cock in my mouth without prior consent against the law?
I know that when I was given two black eyes it was.
I know when I was fucked at 13 and 15 years old it was against the law but of course I didn't report it. I'm not sure I knew then though.
Is men playing with my sexual organs from 8 years old upwards against the law?
I still don't really know what would have happened to them if I had told anyone.
I told my first husband years later he didn't seem to think that there was anything wrong with it.
I didn't know that I had been sexually abused.
When a Dom tied me up in a club and proceeded to beat me black and blue without telling me what he was going to do and with no safe word consensual 'play'?
Oh and then handing over to someone else to complete my humiliation. Was that consensual?
I could go on but I think you have got the picture.
The words 'stop I don't like this' are not in my vocabulary. The facts above probably tell you why.
Some men are dominant by their size and their selfishness and their lack of ability to damn well ask. Even some men who say they are submissive.
Some very strong women live in abusive situations because they can't see a choice.
I'm not just talking about men who actually hit their partners but the ones who display behaviour that gives their partners room for doubt if they are not getting their own way.
Sounds like I'm submissive doesn't it?
I'm not I'm probably the most dominant woman I know but I pick my fights and
experience just tells me not to mess with some men.

No disrespect literalist,

No, I would not say that necessarily fits the description of a submissive. I know many submissives who would never accept being treated...no, abused in that way. What you're describing has nothing to do with dominance or submission...it has to do with whether you accept yourself as victim or not. And whether you know how to protect yourself or not. And whether you believe you have a right and obligation to yourself to do so.

Children and adults are often afraid to report their abusers. This is quite understandable. But should they report them? Absolutely. Without a doubt. I sincerely hope that you will find the strength within you to protect and defend yourself better in the future.

MNN

(in reply to lateralist1)

Post #: 22

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 9:39:20 AM

DommeChains

Posts: 415
Joined: 3/23/2006
Status: offline

First thing bravo for defending yourself. That time you listened to your instincts and physically defended yourself. The sheer fact that you punched him most likely shocked the s**t out of him. Add in the fact that a blow to the face is one of the most emotionally daunting things to do to a person and your instincts guided you correctly. He could have seriously injured you with his fisting by doing it without lube and going too rapidly.

Now, I kept mentioning listening to your instincts in the first paragraph because I have to second Emperor 1956 on this point....you failed to listen to your instincts initially. This time you were able to remove yourself from a potentially dangerous encounter. You were brave and lucky. Listen to your instincts since they can literally save your life.

I didn't listen to my instincts on one occasion and was damned lucky I didn't get more battered than I did. I was in the early stages of experimenting in the kink world and decided to see how much I could handle pain wise as a bottom. I answered an ad from a man who touted his sadistic qualities. What I got was a sadist alright but one who did not listen to his bottom at all. When he decided I wasn't bruising enough from his belt whipping my ass he used the buckle on me. The pain and the shock was enough to give me such a surge of strength I broke free of one wrist restraint and turned enough to catch the belt on its next downward blow. We got into a tugging match and he was literally foaming at the mouth with rage. The only way I was able to get him to back off was to start screaming so loudly he got frightened of someone calling the cops. He left. I felt stupid because I had talked myself into playing with this looney tunes against my better judgment when he started in on his spiel about how he could break anyone and blood always flowed when he punished, etc.

So you are not alone in getting into a bad situation and escaping it by the skin of your teeth so to speak. Just always listen to your instincts. Don't over ride them. Your gut is never wrong has been my experience.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 23

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 9:51:17 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I've been with plenty who tried to loophole or skirt around the agreements they made (mostly as a whore when they tried to not use condoms or get some extra fun without paying for it), but none who escalated to that degree. Kudos to your reaction.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 24

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 12:07:50 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNoName

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

I've no idea what it's like in the States and I don't have a great deal of knowledge of what it's like in England regarding the way in which rape victims are treated BUT I know that I have never and would never report sexual abuse to the police.
Was it against the law when a friend put me over his knee and spanked me very hard in public?
Is a man sticking his cock in my mouth without prior consent against the law?
I know that when I was given two black eyes it was.
I know when I was fucked at 13 and 15 years old it was against the law but of course I didn't report it. I'm not sure I knew then though.
Is men playing with my sexual organs from 8 years old upwards against the law?
I still don't really know what would have happened to them if I had told anyone.
I told my first husband years later he didn't seem to think that there was anything wrong with it.
I didn't know that I had been sexually abused.
When a Dom tied me up in a club and proceeded to beat me black and blue without telling me what he was going to do and with no safe word consensual 'play'?
Oh and then handing over to someone else to complete my humiliation. Was that consensual?
I could go on but I think you have got the picture.
The words 'stop I don't like this' are not in my vocabulary. The facts above probably tell you why.
Some men are dominant by their size and their selfishness and their lack of ability to damn well ask. Even some men who say they are submissive.
Some very strong women live in abusive situations because they can't see a choice.
I'm not just talking about men who actually hit their partners but the ones who display behaviour that gives their partners room for doubt if they are not getting their own way.
Sounds like I'm submissive doesn't it?
I'm not I'm probably the most dominant woman I know but I pick my fights and
experience just tells me not to mess with some men.

No disrespect literalist,

No, I would not say that necessarily fits the description of a submissive. I know many submissives who would never accept being treated...no, abused in that way. What you're describing has nothing to do with dominance or submission...it has to do with whether you accept yourself as victim or not. And whether you know how to protect yourself or not. And whether you believe you have a right and obligation to yourself to do so.

Children and adults are often afraid to report their abusers. This is quite understandable. But should they report them? Absolutely. Without a doubt. I sincerely hope that you will find the strength within you to protect and defend yourself better in the future.

MNN

I would also like to say that I fully agree that what she is describing is not domination or dominance.

Most people who abuse others target those who they believe they can get away with harming. They do it because they are afraid of having egalitarian relationships, of being rejected or maybe they are simply incapable of empathy or are evil. Most of these abusers when faced with someone they cannot so easily control and harm will fold. When arrested they often claim that alcohol or porn or their own abuse made them do it -- thus demonstrating how little in control they truly are because they are too cowardly to take an responsibility.

To me part of being a dominant is knowing you have a responsibility and being able to handle and exercise it well.

I'm not claiming it is all but it is most I'd bet.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 25

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 1:32:21 PM

indyslaveforyou

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/21/2007
Status: offline

I had a potential Mistress once with whom I played with only twice. She thougth using lube was only okay if "I deserved" it. I never really did get it. You are right. That kind of play is not fun. In fact it is very dangerous. You are lucky! I am just glad you got out of there. I hope you are not going to see him again.... right?

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 26

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 1:56:08 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Thanks to all for their support. The really interesting thing is that I typically ALWAYS listen to my instincts. As I mentioned before, some recent personal events have had a serious effect on my physical and emotional status. Still, I have maintained that given my emotional status at the moment, I have continued to try not to enter into decisions rashly. A "potential" dom that I have been speaking with (actually we have spoken for about two years) has been unbelievably supportive to me emotionally, offering whatever help I need to get through this horrible time. When he suggested that I just come and live with him and let him take care of me, the offer was quite appealing. To not have to think about all I am going through? To allow someone else to just take charge? I explained that at this time, it would be imprudent of me to make such a decision as I was not in a mental place to make that kind of decision. Then I went and did something stupid anyway, go figure.

As for why I didn't hit him again? I am so non violent by nature, it never occurred to me to beat him to a bloody pulp. As for reporting him, I did think about it. It was also quite difficult to explain to my VERY vanilla male friend who I took back to his house to retrieve my toys. He still does not understand this life at all, but he loves me dearly and was going to kick his butt from here to kingdom come.

Let anyone know who he is? That is already in progress.

Again thanks to all of you for your support.

And once again, I think it is so important to let everyone know that it is more than ok to handle a situation that is becoming non consensual in whatever way you feel necessary. I hear so many subs/slaves think they don't have the "right" to do that.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 27

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 1:59:00 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

(fast reply)
To the OP, good for you for standing up for yourself, good thing you weren't bound at the time.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to indyslaveforyou)

Post #: 28

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 5:12:55 PM

Rafters

Posts: 266
Joined: 3/9/2006
Status: offline

While I'm not a doctor, I would have thought the anus and rectum were two places you really Don't want an exposed friction burn for a couple of weeks?

If you want to maximise the feel of the penetration, a ginger lube mix or diluted tobasco lube mix will generate tears, wiggles and squirming without permanent damage.

Why the lube phobia? Am I missing some advanced Jedi-Dom technique?

< Message edited by Rafters -- 5/28/2007 5:32:40 PM >

(in reply to indyslaveforyou)

Post #: 29

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 5:21:44 PM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

The ultimatum, while not making him happy, did make him comply.

OK Lady....that right there ended my reading of your post.....

"Playdate" for what ever reason ............................ the DISRESPECT AINT CUTTIN it for me......

So the answer to your question? Has anyone ever had this happen? HELL NO. Not now. Under the other Dom anything would have happened and he wouldnt have given a shit fart...but now?

I am Sir's adored pet and no one is gonna disrespect his chosen property

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 30

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 5:26:06 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

If you want to maximise the feel of the penetration, a ginger lube mix or diluted tobasco

My personal favorite is BenGay, but someone posted on here once that it has too much aspirin in it to be safe for a lube, so i guess a little dab with have to do.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to Rafters)

Post #: 31

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 8:20:43 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

i am glad you were able to get that jack ass off (and out) of you. He got what he had coming. i am curious - you didn't have a safe word beforehand? Sounds like he was so intent he would not have honored it anyway.

i had an experience that surprised me and i walked away learning a very important lesson - insist on what's been agreed upon and don't compromise. i met this dom in a coffeehouse/deli in a few towns from me. i told him i would agree to meet, have a bite to eat and just get to know him better face to face. He picked the place. i show up and it's the type of establishment where there is no seating - take out only. i know he knew this - i didn't and it was awkward as to what to do. He suggested we go to his van - now this was like a workers van with no windows. i was NOT getting into that van not knowing him and i told him that. i said we can stand here and just chat then, by that time i should have just said goodbye and walked away, but stupidly i didn't. He kept asking me to go into his van to sit and talk. i said fine, you give me your keys to hold and i will. He gave me his keys, i unlocked my car which was right n ext to the passengerside of his van, put my keys into the ignition and left my purse in my car.

We sat and talked, i sipped my tea and the conversation was going ok. i wa learning along the way we had totally different philosophies as far as what we expected out of a partner. i had my hand with his key out the window the whole time. All of a sudden he said, "i know what you need" then grabbed me by the hair hard and his other hand grabbed my breast hard - out of pure fear and not expectating it i dropped the keys and slammed him really hard in the face. He let his grip on me go and put his hands to his face - i think his nose was bleeding and i got out of the car, picked up his keys, threw them over the fence and jumped in my car and took off - all the while him calling me a crazy bitch. i have mixed feelings about what happened and do take the blame in that i should have followed my gut instincts - but i don't regret at all defending myself.

You did what you had to do to defend yourself - he got what he deserved.

< Message edited by velvetears -- 5/28/2007 8:22:56 PM >

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 32

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 9:16:43 PM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline

First off {{hugs}} and Good for YOU. That creep deserved what he got.

I wish I could say I am shocked but what you described, but, I am not. I have known creeps to dot hat sorta stuff, thats one reason why I backed out of this lifestyle for a long time, I was almost killed by a few members of this site, so I backed off, a lot; so I know about over zealous tops, plus, the stories I have heard from others over the years,s carry stuff. I am EXTREAMLY proud that you had safecalls set up, so many don't do that any more, so good for you.

I hope that creep learned his lesson, ok a few; not to mention, I hope he gets a clue and decides to respect his partner when she says 'STOP.'

I'm very glad you are ok and safe now. If you were local, I would take you out for a drink. {{hugs}}

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to EvilGeoff)

Post #: 33

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 9:53:00 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Everyone always keeps talking about "safewords", which are only good if they are honored. As everyone seems to realize and point out, a safeword would have been useless in this case. I was sure when I originally posted that others must have had similar experiences. Having read so many other posts in the past, I was unbelievably surprised to find that not one so called "master" made a comment indicative of what this jerk did was right (I have seen those comments in the past).

To Rafters and his "Lube phobia" question. Personally I have no lube phobia, and insist on it whenever something is going in my butt. While I can only make assumptions, I believe that as he likens himself to a sadist, he didn't think safety was any concern.

To velvetears...I have to ask didn't slugging the guy give you a warm fuzzy feeling? I have to admit that having never hit anyone in my life no matter how angry they made me, that punch felt so incredibly satisfying! Sadly, I doubt that either jerk will learn from the experience and will just continue to think of us as "crazy bitches". My response to that? Stupid people need to watch out for us crazy bitches because we won't take their shit.

To slaverosebeauty...you never know, I might come to Cali some day and look you up for that drink! If you ever hit New Jersey (although I wonder why anyone would ever want to visit here), look me up and we will still have that drink.

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)

Post #: 34

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/28/2007 9:58:20 PM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Everyone always keeps talking about "safewords", which are only good if they are honored. As everyone seems to realize and point out, a safeword would have been useless in this case. I was sure when I originally posted that others must have had similar experiences. Having read so many other posts in the past, I was unbelievably surprised to find that not one so called "master" made a comment indicative of what this jerk did was right (I have seen those comments in the past).

To slaverosebeauty...you never know, I might come to Cali some day and look you up for that drink! If you ever hit New Jersey (although I wonder why anyone would ever want to visit here), look me up and we will still have that drink.

Come on out. We will be getting to 110+ soon enough, know JUST the place. If I head out to your part of the country, I will let you know.

As for the safeword thing, bottom types have to TRUST that the top we are with will honour any and all safewords. You did the right thing, I probably would have gouged the guy's eyes out with my killer nails, lol. I am very glad you are safe.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 35

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/29/2007 12:34:49 AM

LadyPaige

Posts: 187
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

All I can say is BRAVO! We tend to be more trusting of people after we've played with them once, even if they weren't as "cautious" as they could have been. I hope others take note of the need to remain cautious with safecalls and such even after the first time. I know I've been guilty of neglecting the safe call on a 2nd or 3rd playdate because the friend I called wasn't available.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 36

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/29/2007 1:49:18 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

The ultimatum, while not making him happy, did make him comply.

shyinini
OK Lady....that right there ended my reading of your post.....

why?

quote:

"Playdate" for what ever reason ............................ the DISRESPECT AINT CUTTIN it for me......

Disrespect? who's disrespect? her's towards him or his towards her?
i'm confused
I didn't see any where that he had respect for her
he wasn't her dom she has every right to set boundries
when you come right down to it, the only person who is responsable for our own safety are ourselves ,she said stop he didn't.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 37

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/29/2007 7:20:08 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

To velvetears...I have to ask didn't slugging the guy give you a warm fuzzy feeling? I have to admit that having never hit anyone in my life no matter how angry they made me, that punch felt so incredibly satisfying! Sadly, I doubt that either jerk will learn from the experience and will just continue to think of us as "crazy bitches". My response to that? Stupid people need to watch out for us crazy bitches because we won't take their shit.

No, actually as i drove away i was literally shaking and felt like a complete idiot for not following my gut instincts and allowing myself to be talked into getting into his van. Hitting him happened as pure instinct - once i felt the danger, or at least to me it felt dangerous, it was as if something inside of me clicked in and i hit him. It hadn't been the first time i had to defend myself (an abusive brother growing up, was mugged once, and various other altercations as a teen and early 20's), and growing up i studied martial arts for years - but that had been yearsssss ago, but i guess something in it remained for me to have reacted so quickly. The idiot later called me to curse me out and i told him if he continued to harass me he'd see how crazy of a bitch i could be - he finally left me alone. Just one more experience on life to knock your trust nothch down a peg with people.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 38

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/29/2007 7:51:27 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Oooh! Reading your post brought back so many memories!

You've pretty much described my introduction to this life!! Except that we weren't engaging in ass play and I didn't have the strength to push him away.

In my case, he said he was going to "mark me" (I didn't know what the hell that was back then). When he explained, I told him to please not do that (there were reasonable explanations as to why not). He laid out a crop, a strap and something else and told me to pick the one I liked the least. I didn't understand what he was doing. Turns out he was punishing me for telling him no.

I was bound, so there was no way to fight back. I safeworded and learned just how useless a safeword really is.

My lessons learned were that first and foremost, I WAS going to go down this bdsm road because that little experience would have scared others far far away from all this. I learned that I knew absolutely nothing - about what I was doing and about him. I learned to never ever do this again without knowing something about what I was doing and about the person I was doing it with. And I learned that safewords don't mean shit if they're used with people who won't honor them in the first place.

I also learned that I will never ever ever play casually again. There's just simply too much left to chance. And even if I played casually with someone in the full care and watchful eye of my Master, he's not going to see something's wrong until something goes wrong, so I simply won't go down that road.

I used to be able to play casually with people I knew but even that, as time's gone on, has gotten to be less and less a possibility for me - both by my word and thankfully, also by the word of my Master. These days, no one, even in jest, even if they're good friends, is allowed to touch me in that way. And I can tell you, I'm grateful.

But it sure was tough at the beginning trying to separate the blame to who could own what. It wasn't all the guy's fault. I had enough to call my own. My trick was owning my mistakes without loading his on my back as well.

In the end, although I'd never wish what happened to me on anyone, I find the fact that it did happen and my response to it to actually be very interesting. My rationale for this since then has been to look at what happened as kind of a trial by fire. I know I'm here to stay.

But man! There's got to be a better way!!

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 5/29/2007 7:52:57 AM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 39

RE: Has anyone ever had this happen? - 5/29/2007 9:27:58 AM

eveningtwilight

Posts: 48
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline

I consider what happened in the same element as rape. What gets me is that it he was not getting immediate phyisical sexual gratification while doing it to you, however it sounds like he was psychologically "getting off". He knew what you needed to be comfortable and he was refusing to give you comfort, which of course prevents you from taking pleasure. It sounds like he was angry with you for telling him what he could or couldn't do and how he had to do it. He may have been trying to teach you a lesson and remind you that he was the one in charge. Or, he could have been going through his own troubles in life where he's been feeling out of control and opted to take it out on you.

He's power hungry and selfish. Bad mixture. I would have decked him too. He could have done real damage to you, all for his own gratification. Terribly sorry you had that happen.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 40

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