julietsierra
Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004 Status: offline
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Oooh! Reading your post brought back so many memories! You've pretty much described my introduction to this life!! Except that we weren't engaging in ass play and I didn't have the strength to push him away. In my case, he said he was going to "mark me" (I didn't know what the hell that was back then). When he explained, I told him to please not do that (there were reasonable explanations as to why not). He laid out a crop, a strap and something else and told me to pick the one I liked the least. I didn't understand what he was doing. Turns out he was punishing me for telling him no. I was bound, so there was no way to fight back. I safeworded and learned just how useless a safeword really is. My lessons learned were that first and foremost, I WAS going to go down this bdsm road because that little experience would have scared others far far away from all this. I learned that I knew absolutely nothing - about what I was doing and about him. I learned to never ever do this again without knowing something about what I was doing and about the person I was doing it with. And I learned that safewords don't mean shit if they're used with people who won't honor them in the first place. I also learned that I will never ever ever play casually again. There's just simply too much left to chance. And even if I played casually with someone in the full care and watchful eye of my Master, he's not going to see something's wrong until something goes wrong, so I simply won't go down that road. I used to be able to play casually with people I knew but even that, as time's gone on, has gotten to be less and less a possibility for me - both by my word and thankfully, also by the word of my Master. These days, no one, even in jest, even if they're good friends, is allowed to touch me in that way. And I can tell you, I'm grateful. But it sure was tough at the beginning trying to separate the blame to who could own what. It wasn't all the guy's fault. I had enough to call my own. My trick was owning my mistakes without loading his on my back as well. In the end, although I'd never wish what happened to me on anyone, I find the fact that it did happen and my response to it to actually be very interesting. My rationale for this since then has been to look at what happened as kind of a trial by fire. I know I'm here to stay. But man! There's got to be a better way!! juliet
< Message edited by julietsierra -- 5/29/2007 7:52:57 AM >
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