Debriefing....after scene negotiations (Full Version)

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mistoferin -> Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 10:09:30 AM)

MstrssPassion brought this up in the other Negotiations thread and I thought that it deserved to be discussed exclusively. (MstrssPassion I do hope you do not take offense that I quote you in this manner[:)])

quote:

  Then there is after scene negotiations... we talk about what was good & if we what to expand upon it or what was no good & should we go that direction again.. that is if we intend to play again.


I have always thought that such "debriefing" after a scene can be a very helpful tool in several ways. It allows the submissive to feel that their feedback is valued. It can help determine the speed or intensity of future scenes. It can be a good navigational tool as to where the next destination may be. It helps to build trust. It encourages honest, open communication.

Unfortunately, I have noticed that it is often not a common practice, certainly not one that it is used to the same extent as pre-scene negotiation.

Do you use post scene negotiation and do you find it helpful? If so in what ways?



ownedgirlie -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 10:19:51 AM)

Sort of.  While we don't call them "scenes" and we don't call what we do afterwards "negotiations," there is a similar concept.

I will always journal to him in depth about what occurred, and what I was thinking and feeling (assuming I can remember) throughout.  Sometimes we'll discuss what I journaled afterwards, sometimes not, but my journaling serves as a tool for me to debrief, review and reflect, and for him to understand how I was effected by each thing he did or had me do.  This is one of the tools he uses to understand exactly what pressed my button, what button was pressed, and how I responded internally to it.  As a result, he has stopped doing some activities while building on others, while revising others.  I'm pretty detailed.  I can write pages and pages about an afternoon, and he loves that.

He has also begun a practice of peering into my mind when I'm in space, by talking to me while there, asking me what's going through my mind.  I have learned to slur out my answers, and while I rarely remember what is said, he has said some of the things that come out - often just independent words or short phrases - are amazing to him.

It works well for both of us.  Sometimes after he uses me when I am curled up resting, we'll talk about it, but usually to really reflect I need processing time - time to get my wits about me and time to understand how I really felt about something.



gypsygrl -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 10:22:26 AM)

quote:

Unfortunately, I have noticed that it is often not a common practice, certainly not one that it is used to the same extent as pre-scene negotiation.

Do you use post scene negotiation and do you find it helpful? If so in what ways?


edited to add:

Why is it important:  It takes me three, four days or even a week to really process anything enough to know what I think about it.  I generally lay my cards on the table as soon as I know what they are, and do that whether or not the other person wants to converse about it.  But, I like to feel that we're actually interacting, and want to know what the dominant thinks/feels.  When they don't want to talk about it or have nothing to say from their perspective, I either feel isolated, like I'm spinning on my own axis or I wonder if they're doing anything more than going through the motions.  Basically, its another way of connecting and making sure everyone is getting what they want/need while creating the conditions for satisfying future interactions.

I'm convinced this post-scene negotiation is the most important part of the whole process.  Its rare that I've been involved with a dominant who, after a scene or interaction, was willing to talk about things in any kind of depth and had the skills to stay focused and reasonably objective which is why all my involvements have been short term (with the exception of my first, and only, ltr relationship with a dominant).

What usually happens is a reasoably long buildup with lots of contact and discussion leading up to the scene/interaction itself and then a brief wind down followed by little to no contact.  Whatever contact that does occur is mostly perfunctory.  When that happens, I know 'issues' are going to develop in short order, though as often as not, I try to end the interaction before these kinds of things develop.




Viridana -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 10:23:14 AM)

Yes I do like to sit down with my partner shortly afterwards and discuss what went well and what could be improved.
Not only does it give a possitive feedback for the ego on what went well but also it incourages growth of the play part of the relationship which gives rise to the possibility of pushing further limits. You never get stranded so to speak. By doing this I feel like steps are being taken towards better fulfilling boths needs and wants.

I actually find debriefings almost as important as negotiations.



WhiplashSmile -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 10:35:26 AM)

I'm a post-scene communication junkie.  I find this best occurs after first taking a small break after scene.  Allows for both parties to regain mental focus, catch breath, and get a grip on reality.    



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 12:08:03 PM)

I do it whenever possible, but I don't go out of my way to track someone down over it.  It is definitely invaluable as a way to check in, make sure everyone's ok, see what jived up and what didn't



earthycouple -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 12:39:36 PM)

I addressed this in the other thread some.  I will expound here.  I fully believe that communication must never end.  There is no such thing as a closed subject when it comes to how one feels.  My husband taught me that "you can only feel how you feel" and that we may not feel the same about something today as we did yesterday.  This doesn't mean we are spastic but that we spend time in retrospect and reevaluate things.  We find new perspectives within ourselves all the time. 

As a dominant I feel very responsible for actively listening to the words Robert says and responsible for watching his body for cues, and hearing the nuances in his voice.  We can not become lazy in this.  We can not close ourselves off to this.  If I walk away from after care feeling good about it and three days later Robert comes back to me to discuss the scene then the scene needs further discussion no matter how good I felt about it.  It would now be obvious either he didn't fully communicate with me in the moment (which would be a whole new can of worms) or he has given more thought to what went on and needs to share his new perspectives.  I may do the same at some point. 

My slave should never feel as if he can't open a topic up for further communication and clarity.




subsnow -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 1:11:04 PM)

my Dom and i have always had after scene negotiations or debriefings. We never talked about doing them, they just happened. i think that they were EXTREMELY helpful to the both of us. Like you said mistoferin, it allowed us to discuss what worked, what didn't, and what could be improved or expanded on. It also made it possible to learn about each others kinks, personalities, emotions, and opinions. i think that it's a great tool and more people should take the time to do it. It helped bring J and i closer together.



kyraofMists -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 1:19:20 PM)

It is not a negotiation but we are definitely debriefed even after social events and not just play.  With me and play it sometimes takes several days to process my thoughts and feelings so it may be days or weeks later before we get a chance to talk about them. 

For social events we usually discuss our observations, perspectives and opinions either that same night or the next day.  Having mine and alandra's perspectives and thoughts gives him a broader view on which to base his opinions and decisions. 

Knight's kyra



Celeste43 -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 2:41:29 PM)

Directly afterwards is not the time to play 20 Questions with me. And I need time to process anything that was a problem for me. He can tell when things went well  but I shut down when things go bad and I simply need a couple of days to be able to talk about it.

Some people can think logically immediately afterwards and objectively consider all the ramifications, others can't. Neither one is better than the other, they're just different. What is important here is for people to talk about which kind they are so the immediate partner doesn't jump to the conclusion that the other one is passive aggressive while the think it over one doesn't decide the other one is pushy. This way the immediate types can write down their thoughts and have it there when the think it over one has finally gotten their head around it.



DommeChains -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 5:23:54 PM)

 I try to do at least a little debriefing during the after care time.  My boys and I cuddle and I find it helpful to get their raw impressions & feedback.  Then, a few days later, I ask more specific questions of them and get their impressions after they have had time to mull things over.

It has been my experience that men process the emotional reactions differently than women.....just generalizing now.  My boys tend to dwell on the parts that were the highlights for them in terms of sensation or surrender.  I can then coax out their emotional reactions from that.  I find it very helpful to know what emotions I am evoking.  I can speculate all I like about how it was for him but only he can confirm what he felt.



Faramir -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 5:46:36 PM)

Words like "scene" and "negotiation" are utterly alien to me.  They are transactional words, and are not part of my understanding of intimate relationships.

My best articulation of love is to know and be known.  Thus communication, knowing, is at the center of the relationship.



PairOfDimes -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 6:18:39 PM)

This is important--good for you for bringing it up! Yes, I have post-scene chats as part of aftercare. I think it's a good concept. Although "negotiation" implies that the person and I are going to play together again, so I like debriefing better as a word, even though it invites bad wordplay on removal of briefs. In preparing for a second (or third, etcetera) scene with a person, I refer to the previous scene(s) in the negotiation, and I find it helpful to make and to receive comparative statements, i.e "More frequent, less intense cane strokes than last time would be nice."

I would add in-scene communication as a frequently overlooked form, too. I understand that many people don't like communicating in scenes. Like pre-scene negotiation or post-scene debriefing, it's an option, and you may certainly make the choice to eschew it (you get to run your BDSM like you want to run it, as always), but that is a choice.

By the way, when you do a multi-player scene (co-topping, co-bottoming, top-middle-bottom, what have you) it's important to negotiate with everyone involved. I got much better at co-topping when I paid as much attention to reading and communicating with my fellow top(s) as to the bottom(s) on whom we were ganging up.




MasterFireMaam -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 6:23:42 PM)

Since I expect open and honest communication in my relationships, even play oriented ones, I have a tendency to assume that they will give me any feedback they feel they want me to know. I of course ask questions when I want to know things. But, I have to admit, because I make this assumption, I often don't specifically ask, "What did you like and what did you hate?"

I ask questions if something went wrong...and the people that I've played with on a relationship basis always seem to be able to express what they like whether I ask or not.

Master Fire



minnetar -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/26/2007 7:39:54 PM)

erin,
Thanks for starting this thread as it is something i have never heard of before.

minnetar



LadyPaige -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/27/2007 2:14:41 AM)

I always talk about new or stepped up activities.  When will depend on the activity.  If it was his first trip to the mall trying on women's clothes, he can pretty well communicate as soon as we can talk privately.  If it was a scene that required aftercare, I'd wait until he was in his normal mindset and had a chance to think about it.



MistressRouge -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/27/2007 2:43:41 AM)

The pre & post scene negotiations are paramount for Me personally. I enjoy the cooldown period after play, for sharing, discussion and reflection.



ExSteelAgain -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/27/2007 4:09:02 AM)

I ask a few things about how it went in a mild way. I don't want it to be a coldly scientific debriefing because it is not only about the play session even when we scene. It is more a time when we both say how much we ejoyed it or what was not working right. Since I don't smoke and can't light one up and talk, it is the head on my shoulder with a gentle, satisfied, relaxed feeling, like the patient throwing out associations on the psychiatrist's couch.



canupleaseme -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/27/2007 4:50:28 AM)

I hate sceneing or sessioning without debreifing afterwards its my aftercare.  If we dont talk abut what we have done and just go to sleep or not mention it I find it very difficult.  We recently had this a few times after sessions and I didn't like it at all.  I think that when I've taken so long to plan something I need the after bit to make it feel complete.



malloves69 -> RE: Debriefing....after scene negotiations (5/27/2007 7:25:47 AM)

love the after scenes discussion with my mistress ....we have been into her fisting me now quite alot lately with her doing it 2 or 3 times a week ..love giving myself to her that way and she loves doing this to me as well ...great way to submit to her i must say when her fist and arm is buried deep inside of me [:)]  cant believe how relaxed i am afterwards too ...its like she takes all the stress out of me once her fist cums out and replaces those feelings with all the love and caring feelings that she has in her womanly body [:)]  each time we try to go a little deeper and she always asks me if im ok with that and to tell her how does it feel ? i always ask her what do i feel like with her being inside of me ...our goal is to try and get to her elbow if thats possible amazing pics i must say with her arm sticking out of me [:)]  gawd i love that feeling as i surrender to her and her desires [:)]  talking about it after really gets her motivated to do it again and she does it in such a loving and caring way ...really brings out the lioness that she is as takes me that way [:)] love submitting to her mal



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