RE: Finding the right blend of a BDSM lifestyle and a Vanilla lifestyle.

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Finding the right blend of a BDSM lifestyle and a Vanilla lifestyle.

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RE: Finding the right blend of a BDSM lifestyle and a V... - 5/13/2007 2:11:02 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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I think confusion arises when we try and categorize things and either "bdsm" or "vanilla" and make it into what we DO rather than who we ARE.

We are who we are- we don't suddenly stop just because we're at the movies. And no I don't mean putting fingers sneakily up their crotch- I mean just sitting and watching a movie.

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RE: Finding the right blend of a BDSM lifestyle and a V... - 5/13/2007 7:35:44 PM

TigressFL

Posts: 239
Joined: 6/8/2006
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The major things that have changed within my daily life:

1. The way I view my role and responsibilities within personal relationships.
2. The range and intensity levels of the kinky things I do.
3. It has caused me to be more dedicated to help fight for civil rights, sexual freedom, etc.
4. I seek out like-minded people more.
5. I enjoy giving back to the community.
6. I rarely go to a store of just about any kind without finding something I could use to torture someone with.

The most significant change is that I do not engage in "vanilla relationships" which to me means relationships that are founded on "equal authority" between the individuals involved.

It has not changed my personality. What it has done is helped me to be more self-aware and to continue striving to be the best "I can be" as a person and as the authority figure within my relationships. I still do all the vanilla activities I did in the past. I still have vanilla friends and family. I still work and enjoy all of life pleasures. I do not treat every person I encounter as if I own them, as I do not have that kind of energy much less the desire. I think what is confusing to many could be that they are not distinguishing between vanilla relationship structures and D/s and M/s relationship structures. All other activities anyone could engage in (vanilla or kinky) are just extra-added bonuses. Some people jump out of planes to get their kicks, I bind and torture people (consensually of course). What makes it “a way of life” is the difference in the relationship dynamic between vanilla, which has a foundation and structure of equal authority between the individuals involved and D/s or M/s, which has a foundation, and structure of one person having some or all of the authority within the relationship. We are a subculture because not only do many (not all) engage in a different relationship dynamic from the vanilla world (A.K.A. general society) but also many (not all) people engage in different type of “activities” that are all considered “kinky” that the vanilla world does not engage in.

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RE: Finding the right blend of a BDSM lifestyle and a V... - 5/13/2007 9:25:57 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
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Interesting.... mine have blended and seperated on it's own for so long, never gave it much thought. It all determined whom I was with, where we were, etc...etc...etc...

So it never crossed my mind really. At least not in a many a years....

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RE: Finding the right blend of a BDSM lifestyle and a V... - 5/13/2007 10:10:19 PM

KeirasSecret

Posts: 415
Joined: 8/17/2006
From: central NH
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I find that my D/s relationship is a lifestyle, which for me outlines certain protocol that I live by. Saying I want a blend of D/s and vanilla would be similar to saying, “Right now I am a parent; in an hour, I will not be a parent, for a while.

As for vanilla activities, being in a D/s relationship has not stopped me from being human, I still get to struggle, and enjoy “vanilla’ activities.

“All the world is a stage.” (William Shakespeare) Being in the lifestyle does not mean one always has to be acting out a D/s session or BDSM scene.

If the attention span of a nat is equivalent to forgetting one’s train of thought by the time they reach the end of a sentence; I have that too.

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RE: Finding the right blend of a BDSM lifestyle and a V... - 5/14/2007 9:53:32 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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No one will admit or can admit to being "all bdsm, no vanilla" -- I think that's virtually impossible and most people are pointing that out.

Here's a different way for people to look at it and answer again: Is the BDSM community your core community? Are most/all of your friends kinky? The level of which someone is involved in BDSM vs. vanilla, I think, is better measured that way. After all, if all your friends are kinky, your main social circles are munches and bdsm parties, you'd have a hard time hiding the fact from a new vanilla significant other.

I think some people are kind of split - they go to a lot of bdsm events, they are well known at their local munches, but they also are involved in other "communities" - work, church, ren faire, gaming, whatever. My personal communities are family, work/industry, hockey friends, and animal enthusiasts/volunteers. Some people may have all/most of their core friends as 'online communities' - people they bond with but don't know in real life.

If you were to have a party tomorrow and invite all the people you consider "friends," what would the mix look like? Would you have to have two separate parties, one for kinky friends and one for vanilla friends? Etc. I think that's a more interesting way to look at the "balance" between "bdsm lifestyle" and "vanilla lifestyle."

Akasha

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