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Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 3:12:19 PM   
MadRabbit


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So a rather interesting thread got my mind brewing on a topic for discussion.

As a Dominant/Master, what aspects of your partner do you feal you can change?

Where do you feal the line is drawn between what you CAN change and CAN'T?

Where do you feal the line is drawn between what you WILL change and WONT change out of fear of loss of sense of self/identity?

Of course, the flip side of this....

As a submissive/slave, what are you WILLING to let your partner change about you and WONT let your partner change about you?

What do you feal CAN and CAN'T be changed about you?

The questions might seem similar, but I stress the difference between the choice of words.

Can not implies impossibility or outside the scope of our ability. We're not gods who can rewrire human beings into our own image.

Will not implies its possible, but not done because of your own personal ethics/morals.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 5/10/2007 3:20:33 PM >


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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 3:39:05 PM   
outlier


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MadRabbit,

I think that the answers to your question will vary
from relationship to relationship.  Too general for
specific answers I suspect.  But I think that the
ultimate basis for the answer may be in this quote.

"But seduction isn’t making someone do what they
don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into
doing what they secretly want to do already."
Waiter Rant,

In my experience identifying those areas and showing them
to the sub without breaking the bond is where the art lies.

Outlier

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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 3:44:03 PM   
MadRabbit


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I realize the questions are a bit general as they are hard to narrow down on a subject like this. The only upside is I am not looking for specific answers. .

Several times in the past with relationships, I've contemplated the morals and ethics of "changing people." I was mostly looking for other people's perspective.

The few times I do post a topic for discussion, my intent is more to lay down an idea and see what comes from it.


< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 5/10/2007 3:47:40 PM >


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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 3:59:59 PM   
hereyesruponyou


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I think i could change most things except some core values. There is some conditioning done during growth that is very difficult to ever override. With enough time, perhaps you could, but i always wonder how much change is in the actual person and in just their learned response as to how to act, feel, respond etc...

As to what i would not change....that's different. I think there is much more that i would see that i prefer not to delve into. I don't want to change someone to suit my needs in some drastic way. I prefer to find someone who doesn't need me to completely define their personality, who just wants my assistance in helping them on the journey of self discovery.

Does that make any sense???

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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 4:04:19 PM   
CuriousLord


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

As a Dominant/Master, what aspects of your partner do you feal you can change?


Over time, just about anything.  I just couldn't change things that would compromise our relationship part way through.  I'm still unsure what's elemental to her nature that I can't change.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Where do you feal the line is drawn between what you CAN change and CAN'T?


It follows a function of timeframe and magnitude of change.  I can't totally change something major about her instantly.  I can change something major about her over time.  I doubt there's much I couldn't change, over time, but time is always a factor and limit.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Where do you feal the line is drawn between what you WILL change and WONT change out of fear of loss of sense of self/identity?


What I'd change about myself or what I'd change about her?

In the first case, I follow what I believe to be logical in supporting my base ideals.  I will yield and adapt to new logic, should it prove greater than current.  As I'm constantly looking for, and often finding, new logic, I'm constantly changing.

In the second case, she will change to be most conductive to my wants and needs. as I perceive them to be.  So, how I change her acts in relation to both what I want/need and how accurately I perceive these wants/needs.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

We're not gods who can rewrire human beings into our own image.


As humans, the very basis of who and what we are is constantly modified.  The base self suffers a decay function while an input counters it to come to equilibrium.  If one controls another's input stream, one is capable of changing another as the previous base decays to negliable amounts.  This change is not complete as the quanta of amount is unlikely to come to a zero count as a decay function is a power and statisical fluxes will only take over notably once the general amount is already within an order or two of magnitude of the individual quanta.
This said, you can change anyone you control over time.  However, it can take an unrealistic amount of time, given our limited life spans.  The degree to which you can inspire change will then be a proportion inspired to the degree of which one controls input and the resulting equilibrium.

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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 4:07:28 PM   
mistoferin


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I'm a firm believer that people can change, but I don't believe that you can change people. The motivation for change is something that comes from within. I may indeed change because of the influence or teachings of another....but it's something that happens on an internal level first.



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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 4:29:23 PM   
ICGsteve


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I pretty much agree with CuriousLord. The one thing I would add is that I can change anything that I can get her to want to change. There are many things that she will not do for me, but most of the time I can make her want to do it for her. The main means are persuasion (bringing her head on-board), seduction (bringing  her heart on board), and associating rewards and punishments with behavior.  On one level I care a great deal about the whys, because I want to learn how I can make her want what I want in general, but on another level I don't care at all why she does what I want her to do so long as she does. I want to master domination, the particular tool that I am using at a particular time does not matter to me so long as I know how to use that tool and it works.

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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 5:06:19 PM   
haysup


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As a submissive...
I'm a selfish person. I'm often thoughtless, rude, and inconsiderate. But I'm not very self-aware, so I don't really realize I'm being thoughtless, inconsiderate, etc, when it happens.
So couple a selfish, unlogical person with a lack of self-awareness and you come away with a recipe where I can inflict a lot of hurt, unwittingly and unwillingly.
This is an aspect of my personality that NEEDS to change. It has been pointed out to me, and I don't wish to hurt my Master through my thoughtlessness. I don't wish my partner to think they aren't loved, simply because I'm stupid.
So that part of my personality will change. It has to. I am not changing it for myself, I am changing it for my partner. Any side benefits it has for me are simply incidental to the fact that my partner will be proud of me, happy with me, and more comfortable and satisfied with our relationship.
Hope this helps.

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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 5:09:07 PM   
MadRabbit


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Okay, lets try and let by gones be by gones and have a civil debate as friends without dick slinging our egos across the boards again about our different views on M/S and exchange?

Though...you do make me giggle a little bit.

Since at the end of our last "argument", you said the point of debate was communication...

And I kind of question how well you are communicating to the majority with this...lol...

quote:


As humans, the very basis of who and what we are is constantly modified.  The base self suffers a decay function while an input counters it to come to equilibrium.  If one controls another's input stream, one is capable of changing another as the previous base decays to negliable amounts.  This change is not complete as the quanta of amount is unlikely to come to a zero count as a decay function is a power and statisical fluxes will only take over notably once the general amount is already within an order or two of magnitude of the individual quanta.
This said, you can change anyone you control over time.  However, it can take an unrealistic amount of time, given our limited life spans.  The degree to which you can inspire change will then be a proportion inspired to the degree of which one controls input and the resulting equilibrium.


Which is a very brilliant way of saying the human beings are constantly learning and forgetting and if you can control what they learn, then eventually all their old knowledge will be replaced by new. However, human deaths makes complete change impossible since they will die before they can forget and relearn...unless started at near birth. (This is why I say we arent Gods).

I'll exclude the notion that free will governs change...that even if you control the input, the decision rests on the individual to "input" it or reject it since you have made it clear that as an Athiest, you dont agree with the philosophical belief in will.

Forget that some psychologists beleive that people are just simply born the way they are. For example, I've read a number of articles that state that sociopaths are simily born sociopathic and will be sociopaths until the day they die, regarldess of any treatment or "control of the input."

What do you feal is ethical in your modifications?

I feal an ethical responsibility to influence someone to change for the better of themselves as opposed to solely my wants and needs. If dominance is about authority and control, then why does it exclusively have to be used for your individual wants and needs.

I agree that indulgence is part of it, but not the main part.

I wont try to change someone into being compleletely dependant upon me and interfere with their ability to function as an independent adult should something happen to me. In fact, it would be my goal that they are ultimately a stronger and more independent person.

Sure, I have a handful of behaviors and protocols that I prefer...but they would only encompass a small part of a person's identity.

As I read more and more posts on the boards, I see a lot of people who seem to focus on turning a person into their ideal co dependent sex slave. I greatly question the ethics of this line of thinking.









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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 5:11:19 PM   
MagiksSlave


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this is how I see it

behavior can be changed

personality cant be changed

just my thoughts

Magik's slave

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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 5:19:38 PM   
earthycouple


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I don't want to change anything...I just want to refine him....make what is good better.  If it sucks so bad I can't live with it, then I can't live with him.  I want him to change what he feels needs changing for the betterment of  HIS life and not just for me and my life. 

I evolve everyday in many ways and often spout about those changes and feelings in my journal...feel free to peruse!

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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 5:59:57 PM   
CuriousLord


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No worries about the past.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

Though...you do make me giggle a little bit.

Since at the end of our last "argument", you said the point of debate was communication...

And I kind of question how well you are communicating to the majority with this...lol...

quote:


As humans, the very basis of who and what we are is constantly modified.  The base self suffers a decay function while an input counters it to come to equilibrium.  If one controls another's input stream, one is capable of changing another as the previous base decays to negliable amounts.  This change is not complete as the quanta of amount is unlikely to come to a zero count as a decay function is a power and statisical fluxes will only take over notably once the general amount is already within an order or two of magnitude of the individual quanta.
This said, you can change anyone you control over time.  However, it can take an unrealistic amount of time, given our limited life spans.  The degree to which you can inspire change will then be a proportion inspired to the degree of which one controls input and the resulting equilibrium.


Which is a very brilliant way of saying the human beings are constantly learning and forgetting and if you can control what they learn, then eventually all their old knowledge will be replaced by new. However, human deaths makes complete change impossible since they will die before they can forget and relearn...unless started at near birth. (This is why I say we arent Gods).


Yeah, the mortality does put a hamper on things.
I'm afraid this is the best I can do as a means of communication when I'm really tired.  I modify almost everything I say to more common English, even the above, but the degree to which I can do it's often related to how much patience I have at the time of writing, which can be pretty low when I'm tired.  Plus I deplore losing accuracy in simplifying stuff.   Your translation's a pretty good one in the way of getting the basis of the argument down.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

I'll exclude the notion that free will governs change...that even if you control the input, the decision rests on the individual to "input" it or reject it since you have made it clear that as an Athiest, you dont agree with the philosophical belief in will.

Forget that some psychologists beleive that people are just simply born the way they are. For example, I've read a number of articles that state that sociopaths are simily born sociopathic and will be sociopaths until the day they die, regarldess of any treatment or "control of the input."


Those psychologists in the "nature versus nurture" sort of debate annoy a tenth ring of Hades out of me..  I mean, it's obviously both.  The nature of a person is the starting template, and the nurturing is going to alter that template.  The degree to which marginial changes in either effects the end result is a valid debate to have, but, grr.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

What do you feal is ethical in your modifications?


Not sure.  I've spent late nights up, having an existential crisis over how to define myself, and that readily apparent definitions show me as dying every moment.

When it gets down to it, the best I can tell that I am is this feeling of the moment- this transitory thought that will die in moments.  The emotion, the thought, subsides, and, it's dead.   I'm dead.  The next thought takes it's place, in pretty much the same body, with almost identical memories and no time to consider the fact that it's a different thought before it, too, dies.

Then, perhaps, one could define himself as a set of memories and experiences.  In this regard, we're constantly dying- from complete definition- or changing, in the partial view.

Or one can adopt the traditional view that self is a either a body or a spirit that's anchored within a body.  These are the most comfortable but least accurate takes.

I would argue that changing another finds its root of imorality in the way it kills what they used to be.  This would be a moot point if what was dies anyhow.  Thus, I would argue that, the further one backs away from the tradiational view, the less immoral changing another would be.  This doesn't take into account other mitigating factors.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

I feal an ethical responsibility to influence someone to change for the better of themselves as opposed to solely my wants and needs. If dominance is about authority and control, then why does it exclusively have to be used for your individual wants and needs.


I posted the "Masterhood" thread with this being similar to a factor in mind.. just how vastly different dynamics can be in sentiment.  Again this isn't me challenging you being Dominant in your relationship- this is my point.

My last "M/s" relationship, my "slave" obeyed me.  More than any sub had- by a large margin.  She did and acted as I told her.  She was to obey me in all things.

Still, she had goals.  She was a very bright girl with a motivation to excel in college.  You should've seen how distraught she was after scoring a 92% on a quiz (which, in this college, was still an A..)!  While she was to obey my every command, she was still responsible and liable for her own actions, too.

I suppose the main point of this is she had her own direction in life and she trusted that being completely submissive to me would not deter her from it, but, rather, promote her in that direction.  This is a contrast to by current slave who does not have a direction in life that doesn't concern what I tell her to do.  She would like to go through college and go to vet school.. but, she's always quick to point out when I ask her what she'd like to do, it isn't her decision.  She'll be happy with me, despite whatever I tell her to do with life.  This is a huge difference from my previous relationship in which my last "slave" would've likely

Sorry, time's up, something's come up.  I gotta run.  I'll try to pick this up later.

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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 6:22:59 PM   
MasterFireMaam


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I can HELP change what he or she WANTS to change. Otherwise, it's just an exercise in "how to create a power struggle". That wastes my time and energy.

Master Fire


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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 6:55:18 PM   
ICGsteve


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"As I read more and more posts on the boards, I see a lot of people who seem to focus on turning a person into their ideal co dependent sex slave. I greatly question the ethics of this line of thinking. "

The ethics are not a problem if the sub/slave wants to be molded by the Dom/Master. Obviously in this power exchange one freely allows another to mess with their internal wiring. There is broad agreement here that one person can not rewire another by force, which I find to be true. The idea that this rewiring can at best be superficial is ridiculous. The human experience with cults, with captivity, and mass seduction (Nazi Germany is a prime example) prove beyond any shadow of a doubt how far rewiring can go. This can not be not by force however, and never against the subs will. A wide range of tools will need to be used.  


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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 6:58:17 PM   
szobras


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As a Dominant/Master, what aspects of your partner do you feel you can change? I would begin by saying it would depend on the person, the nature of the relationship, and our agreed statute of morals and ethics. With that said, I can change only what she is willing to with my guidance. Some behaviors, mental aspects, some physical.
Where do you feel the line is drawn between what you CAN change and CAN'T?
I can’t change “who” she is. A person’s core, or essence. Their spirit. And I would not want to. I can only help guide changes to discover the awareness of who that person is, and help guide them to the changes that they would be willing to make to fulfill that person.


Where do you feel the line is drawn between what you WILL change and WONT change out of fear of loss of sense of self/identity?
This may bridge on a fine line, as we live and change ,I believe that not only do we add to who we are, but some aspects of our self are shed also. To give up a part of ourselves even for the better may still feel like a loss for a time. Depending on whom we perceived ourselves to be. To force my authority upon someone that is really unwilling, and has not agreed to accept it, for my sole selfish purpose to me, borders on coercion. That does not fall within my ethics. The line is drawn where she looks in the mirror and says. “Who I see is not really me.”

< Message edited by szobras -- 5/10/2007 7:00:01 PM >

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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 7:10:53 PM   
aldompdx


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You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Yes, one can force change upon another, but only through negative reaction. Impose enough negative force, and you can squeeze the personality and literally the life out of your partner. It is the narcissistic master who believes that they can impose positive change on their partner.

Positive change is supported by example, by encouragement to do better, and by sharing what is better. Each person always makes their own choice, even if that choice is to follow another's.

For those of you who may disagree... When you instruct a BDSM slave to grab something, do you tell them exatly which muscles to contract with so much tension, and exactly what angles to place their arm? No, you delegate a certain amount of discretion and AUTHORITY for them to exercise THEIR choice.

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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 7:30:08 PM   
MissOchistic


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For me...there is absolutely nothing that cannot be changed in behavior. What is nearly untouchable are the motives.

Having committed to serve, there is nearly nothing i would not do for Master if ordered. But there are many, many things i would never enjoy or want to do, and some things i would lose respect for Him if He ordered me to do (luckily, though, i know those are things He would not).
For instance, He could order me to attend His church (hypothetical situation), and i would gladly go and be respectful to His religion, but He could never make me believe it or change my own heart.

As for personality....basically the same thing. He can easily change the bahavior caused by certain traits, but He could not change who i was.


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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 8:10:47 PM   
velvetears


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

As a submissive/slave, what are you WILLING to let your partner change about you and WONT let your partner change about you?

What do you feal CAN and CAN'T be changed about you?

The questions might seem similar, but I stress the difference between the choice of words.

Can not implies impossibility or outside the scope of our ability. We're not gods who can rewrire human beings into our own image.

Will not implies its possible, but not done because of your own personal ethics/morals.


i am willing to let my partner change bad habits that aren't good for me.  Also instill habits that will make my service to him better.  Two examples would be: procrastination - if a dom could help me with this it would really help me get more things accomplished.  Ritual - they help keep the sub connected to her dom and is a wonderful way for the sub to show her devotion. 

The things i won't ever let a dom change would be my morals/ethics/standards as well as hard limits.  i will never do anything i feel is against my personal ethics to please a dom.  That would include, but is not limited to stealing, turning my back on my family, prostitution, drugs, etc.  my hard limits are just that HARD limits - that means i will never do those things EVER.  If i didn't want to have limits i'd be a slave - i want to retain some control over what i will and will not do.  Instant deal breaker for anyone who tries to get me to do what i consider a hard limit because that would mean they do not respect me.

What can be changed about me - well obvious stuff like appearance, how i dress, my daily habits - what i eat, wear, when i go to bed, how i spend my free time, bdsm interests - willingness to go into zones that are uncomfortable for me. 

The only thing i can think of off hand about "can't change" would be the ability to cum on command - highly doubtful i will ever be able to do that. 

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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 8:40:51 PM   
happypervert


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quote:

As a Dominant/Master, what aspects of your partner do you feal you can change?

There is a selection bias to my answer because I won't chose to be with someone that I want to change.

And since the term is Behavior Modification, I think goals should be limited to changing behaviors -- I don't believe it is realistic to expect to have the ability to change underlying attitudes though it is possible..

That said, I have had success in helping a girl improve her self-esteem; however, she had the self-awareness to ask for help, a sincere desire to work hard to change, and the smarts to find the materials that she needed. All I did was tell her to go find some resources on the web and created a systematic framework for her to work on it until she internalized it. But that success does not lead me to expect similar success with someone else or with different issues, so I'm not going to ride in on my white horse thinking I can "fix" anyone else.

Basically, I feel it is best to have modest objectives in changing someone, so my approach is the polar opposite of what we see here:

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

Over time, just about anything.

About all I can say is WOW! This is either the height of arrogance and delusions, or no thought has gone into this response at all. Some people have issues so deeply rooted that even professional therapists are unable to treat them successfully in a lifetime, yet such issues are apparently no match for domliness. Perhaps such domliness can also help a sub become smarter and also gain a sparkling personality, athletic prowess, and a razor sharp comedic wit . . . and he can also cure cancer and bring peace to the world too. Or maybe he really has no clue about what it is like to really change somebody and so underestimates the challenges and overestimates his own skill.


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RE: Personality and Behavior Modification - 5/10/2007 8:55:52 PM   
Eruditegirl


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I would want my partner to help me grow...embellish what is already within me..but to change me....I am not sure I would be comfortable changing me....I like me just the way I am...it took me 42 years to become me today...and damn it...I like me...
Same of the flip side....if I changed the person I was with....I would be afriad of the domino effect...change one thing...it leads to another...then another...and soon it wouldn't be the person who I fell for in the first place....
My logic/theory...is to just be patient for myself...find the one that fits...so I don't have to change and neither do they.....






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