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RE: Friends first? - 5/9/2007 7:35:22 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bowandserve

I have a lot going on right now and haven't had the time - ok patience - to deal with searching for and breaking in a new sub. I should mention that I'm looking for one long term so I also cut loose all the casual ones for the same reason- streamline and focus my "real" life first - it was too frustrating anyway. I know I need to reassess my own domme side and how it's portrayed as I've had many just poof in the beginning (if you've read my earlier posts). I tend to be attracted to newbies so that's not entirely unexpected at this point. However, there is one lingering one that had some potential.

My thought is - drop the intensity and be friends, maybe even "date" first while I sort through my own stuff. Don't start with the training or serving right off the bat. Perhaps he could "help" me clean or be "super nice" and I could let him of course pamper me a bit but nothing formal. If we both want the relationship part as well it only makes sense to make sure we're compatible in other ways too - which seem to click already. Then later on move to the daily rituals and training...

Has that ever worked for anyone?

Edit to add - for the sub - would that be confusing for you? He's never truly served anyone.

I think the 'friends first' method might be easier and more fun and alot more relaxed in some ways. But I think it would be hard to switch gears for each party, when you decide to turn it up a notch. But then we see married couples who do this all the time. They discover power exchange and take steps to evolve to that type of thing so I doubt it's uncommon or impossible to do, I just think it would complicate matters to go through a such a transition from friends to Ds.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to bowandserve)

Post #: 21

RE: Friends first? - 5/9/2007 8:14:27 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

RavenMuse is correct that Compatiability is the issue one needs to be concerned with. But ... How does one discover if one is compatible?

Some individuals sprint right of at the start into a intense commitment... which will work well if both are self-aware of themselves to a high degree. It sometimes works well if only one is very self-aware (particularly if it is the Dominant of the relationship). However, if both are rather inexperienced... it can be a risky choice. Sort of like the blind leading the blind sor to issue.

Some individuals like to take their time and slowly begin the process of bringing in the lifestyle right of the hop. This tends to be more successful when a person or persons are not as experience or self-aware of the lifestyle. But, it also has issues of moving into a commitment without a deep self-awareness of the lifestyle. It not uncommon to see individuals who are not self- aware of themselves that take it slow find themselve into a relationship crisis when they reach a cross roads with regards to beliefs and values.

Then there is always the take it from a friends approach first. I prefer this approach actual. I find it useful if a person is not self-aware of the lifestyle. As one is exploring.. you can also learn some basic aspects of a person's character and beliefs. The speed that this occurs is not the point. This could occur slowly... or it could occur rather rapidly.

In my thought process one needs to learn and understand if there is compatiability between the interested parties. There has to be some self-awareness as well as effective interaction that allow a person to appreciate the character, beliefs and values of another person. I suppose some don't really care about the endurance of a relationship. They look to fullfill their own particular needs to the fullest and their partners as well in the given moment. However, the next moment as needs become less fullfilled they begin to wander their attention from the relationship.

Therefore, besides establishing if there is compatiable which requires a good degree of self-awareness and effective communication. One also needs to appreciate if a person is sucking the lemon dry in the moment.... or if they want to plant an orchard so they can have lemonade for years to come.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to bowandserve)

Post #: 22

RE: Friends first? - 5/10/2007 5:25:48 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

I've always expected my partner to be my "best friend' so i think getting to be friends first is fairly important, however, in addition to that....there does need to be an immediate compulsion to submit to the person in question, simmering inside of me.

< Message edited by spankmepink11 -- 5/10/2007 5:26:28 AM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 23

RE: Friends first? - 5/10/2007 10:40:00 AM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

All this being friends first is well and fine, but how many of us actually go through the whole getting to know each other thing? Unless you count chatting online...ha, most of us jump into play pretty fast and then end up getting to enjoy and trust the other. Actually, I don't mean to make fun of getting to know each other online because I believe that does work and you start the physical relationship much closer than otherwise possible.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to spankmepink11)

Post #: 24

RE: Friends first? - 5/10/2007 10:48:57 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

All this being friends first is well and fine, but how many of us actually go through the whole getting to know each other thing? Unless you count chatting online...ha, most of us jump into play pretty fast and then end up getting to enjoy and trust the other. Actually, I don't mean to make fun of getting to know each other online because I believe that does work and you start the physical relationship much closer than otherwise possible.

I think that sense of closeness is actually an illusion, and often comes back to bite people later when they have to backtrack.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

Post #: 25

RE: Friends first? - 5/10/2007 12:20:49 PM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

My thought is - drop the intensity and be friends, maybe even "date" first while I sort through my own stuff. Don't start with the training or serving right off the bat. Perhaps he could "help" me clean or be "super nice" and I could let him of course pamper me a bit but nothing formal. If we both want the relationship part as well it only makes sense to make sure we're compatible in other ways too - which seem to click already.

I don't think one can plan to start a relationship by going the "friends first" route -- seems to me that relationships that develop out of friendships are kind of unexpected for both parties but evolve somehow, but they didn't start with the intention of anything but friendship.

In other words -- if two parties intend to develop a relationship from "friends first", they have already short circuited the friendship part because the relationship is the target. If you're going to be friends, then be friends, and forget about "he could "help" me clean" and other stuff like that because you'll just be bullshitting both of you that it is done out of friendship.

----------
edit: I see I may have been interpreting friends first literally, where in this case it may be a euphemism for being a little careful early on in learning about a potential partner's compatibility. Perhaps I misunderstood because that just seems like common sense to me.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 5/10/2007 12:29:47 PM >

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to bowandserve)

Post #: 26

RE: Friends first? - 5/10/2007 1:26:33 PM

bowandserve

Posts: 30
Joined: 3/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

----------
edit: I see I may have been interpreting friends first literally, where in this case it may be a euphemism for being a little careful early on in learning about a potential partner's compatibility. Perhaps I misunderstood because that just seems like common sense to me.

Yes "friends first" is sort of a euphemism I suppose - I did not mean we put the fun on the shelf. He has overwhelmingly expressed his desire to submit and we had light play already. We also have just hung out a couple times and had fun. I am not taking advantage at all as he longs to submit and he would get his fetish fulfilled as well - in fact that's why I'm backing off a bit from it all - as I have to have time and energy to really set it up properly so as not to feel that it's mostly about his desires. So I guess I meant start slow. Will have to think about thinking before posting... but out of not being direct a great discussion ensued.

_____________________________

I have love to give, I just don't know where to put it

NO, there's no profile over there, but it's here. If you think about it for a sec, it wouldn't be that hard to contact me...

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 27

RE: Friends first? - 5/10/2007 2:58:25 PM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

All this being friends first is well and fine, but how many of us actually go through the whole getting to know each other thing? Unless you count chatting online...ha, most of us jump into play pretty fast and then end up getting to enjoy and trust the other. Actually, I don't mean to make fun of getting to know each other online because I believe that does work and you start the physical relationship much closer than otherwise possible.

I think that sense of closeness is actually an illusion, and often comes back to bite people later when they have to backtrack.

LA, I do know what you mean. Yes, friendship SHOULD come first. This could start that whole other old debate, but online commnuication does let you learn about the other to the extent words can tell us about each other. I don't discount what I learn about others on this board. With instant messaging, I think I get an even better feel for the other after a while.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 28

RE: Friends first? - 5/11/2007 8:54:02 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think that sense of closeness is actually an illusion, and often comes back to bite people later when they have to backtrack.

AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW common lucky... don't tell me that closeness was an illusion.... I am sure that heat was real.... and oh the wetness was so incredible *G*

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 29

RE: Friends first? - 5/11/2007 8:59:27 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Angel and I jumped into realtime play right off, but we had 3 months of getting ot know one another online. I dont think friends first works for most newcomers, simply becasue they cant always add the D/s dynamic into a close vanilla relationship. I have dated some before with n intent on forming a D/s relationship, and it has gone there. However, I tend to build the personal relationship and the D/s one at the same time. Training doesnt have to be intense and constant in the beginning, you could work it in slowly, but it should at elast be present from the getgo to make sure the relationship you build is the one you want.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 30

RE: Friends first? - 5/11/2007 9:02:18 AM

pup

Posts: 69
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Anaheim, CA, US
Status: offline

Yeah, friends first all the way. If you cant have a cup of tea, or dinner with me in a normal setting. What the heck do I have to expect from my service?

Usually if someone cant take time to meet you for a cup of tea and talk, or even go to a simple movie, odds are they are trying to hide something in my experience.

_____________________________

A pony boy, a puppy, and many others trapped in a cage..

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 31

RE: Friends first? - 5/11/2007 3:04:04 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bowandserve

I have a lot going on right now and haven't had the time - ok patience - to deal with searching for and breaking in a new sub. I should mention that I'm looking for one long term so I also cut loose all the casual ones for the same reason- streamline and focus my "real" life first - it was too frustrating anyway. I know I need to reassess my own domme side and how it's portrayed as I've had many just poof in the beginning (if you've read my earlier posts). I tend to be attracted to newbies so that's not entirely unexpected at this point. However, there is one lingering one that had some potential.

My thought is - drop the intensity and be friends, maybe even "date" first while I sort through my own stuff. Don't start with the training or serving right off the bat. Perhaps he could "help" me clean or be "super nice" and I could let him of course pamper me a bit but nothing formal. If we both want the relationship part as well it only makes sense to make sure we're compatible in other ways too - which seem to click already. Then later on move to the daily rituals and training...

Has that ever worked for anyone?

Edit to add - for the sub - would that be confusing for you? He's never truly served anyone.

"Profile not found"

DOH!!!!

(in reply to bowandserve)

Post #: 32

RE: Friends first? - 5/11/2007 5:44:07 PM

bowandserve

Posts: 30
Joined: 3/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Griswold

"Profile not found"

DOH!!!!

Could this be more frustrating?? As I explain every time, I shut off my profile from the other side (did you read this thread - taking a break from looking) but if you look up top and click on my name - gee whiz - there is one on this side. I don't like how anyone can click on your profile on the other side then see all your posts here and when you log on to the boards - shows up there - there's no way to separate the two. But pardon me - go back to your... whatever sort of annoying post that was supposed to be...

OK I actually did make this more friendly when I edited...

< Message edited by bowandserve -- 5/11/2007 5:46:51 PM >

_____________________________

I have love to give, I just don't know where to put it

NO, there's no profile over there, but it's here. If you think about it for a sec, it wouldn't be that hard to contact me...

(in reply to Griswold)

Post #: 33

RE: Friends first? - 5/11/2007 9:08:49 PM

Halley

Posts: 51
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline

I feel much more comfortable and ready to share with someone that I have become friends with first.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 34

RE: Friends first? - 5/12/2007 6:28:05 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Hello A/all,

I love this board! I hesitate to jump right on in, because I am so new to the lifestyle, but as I read... I find Myself jumping emotionally at the chance to join in. So whatever I say... know, that 'I' know, I have a lot to learn and haven't been anywhere close to where most of Y/you have been.

For Me, I feel that each person and situation presents itself and dictates what should or shouldn't happen. When I am working with S/someone, I tend to look at the emotional make up of the person and then take that information and determine what is to happen.

I have really found this thread enjoyable because there were so many views and so much sharing. It's thrilling to Me that these boards are so well used and so meaty! Thank Y/you from a newbie who wishes to be responsible and accountable, who learns from A/all of Y/you!

Lockit

(in reply to Halley)

Post #: 35

RE: Friends first? - 5/12/2007 6:33:09 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Ok... how do I lose the ice cream? lol Where the heck did that come from? What did I miss? lol

Gotta love being a newbie! {grumbling to self}

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 36

RE: Friends first? - 5/12/2007 6:33:58 PM

MistressDoMe

Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

I have to be friends first, because I don't become involved with strangers.
Why would a sane woman, jump into a relationship with a man she does not know or trust?
Most women have to much to lose whether they are Dominant or submissive.

(in reply to Halley)

Post #: 37

RE: Friends first? - 5/12/2007 6:41:00 PM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDoMe

I have to be friends first, because I don't become involved with strangers.
Why would a sane woman, jump into a relationship with a man she does not know or trust?
Most women have to much to lose whether they are Dominant or submissive.

That's how I feel about it. It is utterly beyond me to understand how a sane and rational women submits to a man she doesn't even know.

I don't know about others, but heck, I have to meet a person a few times before I even decide I want to be their friend, let alone anything else.

For a woman to consider herself a slave to a man she barely knows and truly submit to him is frightening to me. I just can't comprehend making that leap of faith. Maybe it's a weakness in my character that I don't trust people any more...but still....

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to MistressDoMe)

Post #: 38

RE: Friends first? - 5/19/2007 6:41:52 PM

stella40

Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline

I would agree - the longer the better. Over many years of experience, of rushing into relationships, jumping in with both feet, and developing things slowly right from the start with friendship, I have to conclude that relationships which developed in the latter manner were the best and most fulfilling. There's a big temptation to jump in and start running before you can walk, but I find rushing in only affects the quality of the relationship and throws up issues later on which should have been dealt with right at the start.

But this is just my opinion and based on my circumstances and who I am. I am submissive, a very experienced submissive, but I'm also complex and I don't submit easily. I prefer to get to know my Dominant, to develop friendship, trust, confidence, because these are the things I need to be able to open myself up completely and allow my Dominant into the most intimate, vulnerable areas of my life so she can take control.

I'm developing a relationship at the moment with a Dominant, it's online, I'm in the UK, she's in the US but I already know that she's the One. We communicate daily, via Collarme, IMs, e-mail, and phone, she's into control, I'm into being controlled, we have excellent communication, we understand each other, and even though she's thousands of miles away she already has an influence on me. We hope to be meeting soon, and eventually I'm going to relocate to her.

And when the time comes and it will be 24/7 D/s we will both be ready, there will be a bond, and she will get more out of me than anyone else has ever done. I'm in this for the long haul, and know that it's not just about submitting and doing as she wants, but also about giving her the mental and emotional stimulation she needs as a dominant female, and thus my submission will be total, complete, and ready to go wherever she wants to take me in the future.

_____________________________

I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

(in reply to bowandserve)

Post #: 39

RE: Friends first? - 5/19/2007 6:45:19 PM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bowandserve

I have a lot going on right now and haven't had the time - ok patience - to deal with searching for and breaking in a new sub. I should mention that I'm looking for one long term so I also cut loose all the casual ones for the same reason- streamline and focus my "real" life first - it was too frustrating anyway. I know I need to reassess my own domme side and how it's portrayed as I've had many just poof in the beginning (if you've read my earlier posts). I tend to be attracted to newbies so that's not entirely unexpected at this point. However, there is one lingering one that had some potential.

My thought is - drop the intensity and be friends, maybe even "date" first while I sort through my own stuff. Don't start with the training or serving right off the bat. Perhaps he could "help" me clean or be "super nice" and I could let him of course pamper me a bit but nothing formal. If we both want the relationship part as well it only makes sense to make sure we're compatible in other ways too - which seem to click already. Then later on move to the daily rituals and training...

Has that ever worked for anyone?

Edit to add - for the sub - would that be confusing for you? He's never truly served anyone.

No...that never worked for Me if anything...it ended up with someone being hurt.
I like inflicting pain...but not that kind.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to bowandserve)

Post #: 40

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