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is it wrong to feel this way?


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is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/20/2006 3:41:25 PM   
jadenth


Posts: 11
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		after a recent scene with my beloved Master, i lay next to him thinking as i often do. something that came across my thoughts that made me stop, reflect, and try to find a reason for an action that i had just done.

i havn't been able to enjoy any "special time" with my Master, due to recently having a baby, for a little over a month; but He has been keeping my mind active by having me put my fantasies to paper or words and speaking of what is to come in these next few months as He makes up for the lost time. during this time without His touch (for lack of better words), i have noticed that i have been looking forward to his favorite punishment for me almost as much as i have getting to play again. this suprized me a bit, but i brushed it off as the need to feel Him close to me.

but what i found myself doing today truely suprized me. i found myself edging a rule just a bit in a (subconsious?) attempt to get Him to punish me. i even held myself back from answering Him (the way to get the punishment to stop) until he increased the intensity of the punishment. i found that i was starting to revel in the punishment, not an erotic feeling as of yet but i definatly felt that deep inside i was enjoying it at a level i had not previously.

so here is my question: is it wrong to be turned on by something that is used as punishment, something that sends a worried chill up my spine when he just spells the word? is this my SAM side showing or is this a sign that i am deepening in my enjoyment of the more physical side of bdsm (ie the application of ice on the body, spankings, and other non intamate sensations)? should i explore the feelings more when my Master uses the particular punishment or is it no longer a punishment once i start to enjoy it?

i told my Master that i didn't want to tell Him exactly what i was thinking about since i was afraid He would no longer use that specific thing as punishment. i don't want this perticular thing to never happen again and i still think of it as a punishment, even if it is getting a slightly more intense responce under the surface than it did previously. i want to get opinions/advice about this before i talk with my Master about what i was thinking, though He will most likely read this posting and know exactly what punishment i am refering to. i welcome responces from the subs as well, since i bet some of them have felt this way themselves.

-jadenth

_____________________________

"Help! I'm being held prisoner by my heredity and enviornment." -Dennis Allen
"We are molded and remolded by those who have loved us." -Francois Mauriac
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/20/2006 3:53:44 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 1386
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		Congrats on the birth of your child.....no sleep at night, I would think would be punishment enough....for both of you.

As far as your feelings. No feelings are ever wrong and even if they were, how could we control them? I dare say, we can't.

Perhaps you are using a bit of manipulation? But then again, we all do!

Now, rock the baby to sleep and then you and your Master Rock!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to jadenth)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/20/2006 4:14:55 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 414
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		i see nothing wrong with your comment except that you should indeed tell him what you are thinking/ wanting

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
Able Office Machines
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to fastlane)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/20/2006 4:29:26 PM   
PenelopePitstop


Posts: 173
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline 		You've recently had a baby, it sounds like your hormones are having a party - this is not to trivialise the experience you are having in any way. That which makes us feminine moves in mysterious, spiritual ways. Perhaps your soul is celebrating in it's favourite way?

_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

(in reply to Kinkypupper)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/20/2006 4:48:36 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 688
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like you miss him, and want to feel him in the most intense way. When i miss my Master most, i begin to crave the most extreme things he does to me. Talk to him about it. He can not possibly dominate you appropriately if he doesn't know what is in your head. i would share everything you just shared in your post.

As for enjoying a punishment, it could very well be that you enjoy the intensity of what is taking place. However, i have found Master can whip me for his pleasure or for punishment, and even if he strikes me exactly the same way, i will feel them very differently. Knowing i have disappointed makes everything he does as a result feel terrible.

(in reply to jadenth)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/20/2006 4:54:34 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 681
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		It would seem likely that recent event has triggered this change and either you will find it is perminant or it will return to your more usual responce in a few months when the body recovers further.

Either way you should tell your master. A punishment which is giving pleasure is reinforcing negative behaviour, not something that is probably a good thing in any relationship. He needs to know this and to adjust things accordingly.

Is it wrong? Not in the slightest. If it is a new way for you to find pleasure, enjoy it.

< Message edited by RavenMuse -- 2/20/2006 4:55:12 PM >

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

(in reply to jadenth)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/20/2006 5:10:38 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 1767
Joined: 11/17/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		I agree with the others. You should tell your Master how you are feeling right now.

_____________________________

"I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life"
Daryl Worley

(in reply to jadenth)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/20/2006 5:13:01 PM   
HoosierScorpio


Posts: 118
Status: offline 		jadenth congratulation one the birth of your child but what you are saying reminds me of the movie the secretary was doing things to get punish by her Husband Master. This is very normal feelings for you enjoy that part of your D/s relationship. If you have not had the chance to see the movie yet or if you did remember at the end of the movie were her Husband was inspecting the bedroom before he headed off to work. Then she went back to the bedroom and places a bug on the clean neat bed spread. I am wondering what her desire was too when she did that. For those you have not seen the movie sorry for ruined the ending to it. :) ScorpioMaster

(in reply to jadenth)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/20/2006 6:10:23 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 1850
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		How marvelous jadenth--My boy and I were just talking about this today--its called "fear" and I put quotes around that as it isn't fear as the world defines it---but "fear"--excitement, fear, dread but need--and its very normal--he does not act up to get it, but he knows it is there and he waits-- for I am the Mistress and I can at will--punish.

_____________________________

"I would rather 30 seconds of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." Steel Magnolias

Mistress Hathor

Proud owner of subtoFemDommes--who is known as Her private label in training.

(in reply to jadenth)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/21/2006 7:40:32 AM   
dincubus


Posts: 63
Joined: 10/22/2005
From: South Dakota
Status: offline 		Yes it would have been good to tell your Master what was going through your mind, especially if your Master had asked about it.
while the fact that you have not been able to have time with your Master, is indeed understandable, that is still no excuse. it is not wrong to feel that way, but the way you went about it, could be considered bordering on disrespect. and that is not righ tin any way shape or form.

quote:

ORIGINAL: jadenth

after a recent scene with my beloved Master, i lay next to him thinking as i often do. something that came across my thoughts that made me stop, reflect, and try to find a reason for an action that i had just done.

i havn't been able to enjoy any "special time" with my Master, due to recently having a baby, for a little over a month; but He has been keeping my mind active by having me put my fantasies to paper or words and speaking of what is to come in these next few months as He makes up for the lost time. during this time without His touch (for lack of better words), i have noticed that i have been looking forward to his favorite punishment for me almost as much as i have getting to play again. this suprized me a bit, but i brushed it off as the need to feel Him close to me.

but what i found myself doing today truely suprized me. i found myself edging a rule just a bit in a (subconsious?) attempt to get Him to punish me. i even held myself back from answering Him (the way to get the punishment to stop) until he increased the intensity of the punishment. i found that i was starting to revel in the punishment, not an erotic feeling as of yet but i definatly felt that deep inside i was enjoying it at a level i had not previously.

so here is my question: is it wrong to be turned on by something that is used as punishment, something that sends a worried chill up my spine when he just spells the word? is this my SAM side showing or is this a sign that i am deepening in my enjoyment of the more physical side of bdsm (ie the application of ice on the body, spankings, and other non intamate sensations)? should i explore the feelings more when my Master uses the particular punishment or is it no longer a punishment once i start to enjoy it?

i told my Master that i didn't want to tell Him exactly what i was thinking about since i was afraid He would no longer use that specific thing as punishment. i don't want this perticular thing to never happen again and i still think of it as a punishment, even if it is getting a slightly more intense responce under the surface than it did previously. i want to get opinions/advice about this before i talk with my Master about what i was thinking, though He will most likely read this posting and know exactly what punishment i am refering to. i welcome responces from the subs as well, since i bet some of them have felt this way themselves.

-jadenth


(in reply to jadenth)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/21/2006 10:24:56 AM   
MrMarkito


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline 		I'm not much into defining somebody elses right or wrong. And, I'd agree that such attention seeking behavior may be related to hormones and or the lack of play time due to your pregnancy.

However, I think it's a bigger picture and it begs the question: How does one hurt a masochist? Isn't physical punishment a reward at some point?

Frankly, I think a lot of people in the scene confuse punishment with something they really enjoy as part of play. Hence, in my book there is a big difference between administering dicipline (often pleasurable) and administering punishment (not pleasurable). The worst punishments for many subs is not the same old spank and flog yet something more annoying like writing lines, time outs and doing tasks they really dislike. I'd hate to escalate a subs pain to pleasure cycle with punishment and miss out on a lot of fun with discipline.

Just my 2 cents, Mark

(in reply to dincubus)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/21/2006 8:22:17 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 832
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

You've recently had a baby, it sounds like your hormones are having a party


(laughing)

quote:

That which makes us feminine moves in mysterious, spiritual ways. Perhaps your soul is celebrating in it's favourite way?


A truly great answer.

(in reply to PenelopePitstop)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/21/2006 8:33:13 PM   
Gideon147


Posts: 25
Joined: 1/7/2005
Status: offline 		Feelings themselves are rarely ever wrong, they can be indicators of instinct, of desires, they can be warning signs. However, I agree with RavenMuse. When a punishment becomes pleasure it then begins to reinforce negative behavior. It may be temporary, considering your recent birth (many congratulations by the way:), or a permanent change your mind has adopted. But for now, you need to be open and honest with your Master so that he can have the opportunity to incorporate this new fact into your lifestyle. Just like you've always been told...honesty is the best policy.

I wish you all the best.

Gideon

(in reply to Petruchio)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/21/2006 10:36:26 PM   
jadenth


Posts: 11
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		id like to thank all of you for your insight in this matter. the thoughts you shared helped clarify how i felt about it and made it easier to talk to my Master about it. i have talked to Him about it now, and even though we had a bit of a falling out about me not telling Him how i was feeling, i think we have patched that up and are stronger for what we endured. i know i am especially now since He decided that if i am going to start to feel His disipline ( thanks Mark for making the distinction) as pleasure then He would just have to see how much of it i could take. it really makes one stronger in spirit to have a very trustable Master that can take you past what you thought was possible.
-jadenth

_____________________________

"Help! I'm being held prisoner by my heredity and enviornment." -Dennis Allen
"We are molded and remolded by those who have loved us." -Francois Mauriac

(in reply to dincubus)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/25/2006 3:32:04 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 14
Joined: 2/4/2006
Status: offline 		When you are pregnant, you get all the attention. Then once the baby is born the mother loses that attention as everyone is interested in the baby. Does he come home and ask how you are doing, or does he ask first about the baby? The baby books refer to it as pregnant princess becomes post-partum Cinderella, back to living in ashes and doing all the drudgery.

(in reply to jadenth)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/25/2006 6:06:17 PM   
Cloudz


Posts: 279
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline 		jadenth,

Congrats on the little one. When I read your post my only thought was that you missed him...feelings are feelings they are not right or wrong they just are. What you DO with them, therein lies the issue.

Best to all of you,

_____________________________

Bright Blessings,
~Cloudz
_

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all


(in reply to jadenth)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/25/2006 6:54:40 PM   
valeca


Posts: 60
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline 		Hope you don't mind a late addition in the answers...

Aside from all the great suggestions from everyone, I'd like to offer a little something. Obviously, daily life can niggle in and try to take over (especially with a new baby--congrats!). When that happens, I find myself craving the things that make me feel most submissive to Master. Perhaps that's something similar to what you've been feeling--just an intense need to feel His Dominance--and it manifested itself in that particular instance, as whatever that punishment was. It sounded like you are both very familiar with it, so it stands to reason that it was/is something your sub/slave mind identified with, and latched onto, for comfort in a time of need/want.

Many find a sense of comfort and safety in their submission. If that 'punishement' sparked something in your mind that intensely reminded you of that sense of comfort, it makes sense that you'd enjoy it!

Then again, you could just be getting 'kinkier' ;)

Glad you talked it out, and got over a bit of a rough patch.



_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to Cloudz)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/25/2006 7:26:17 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 823
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		not much to add... but congrats and also I ask a question or two... Is this your first birth? Pain levels during birth what was your experience from it. Was the pain there but secondary to the focus on the birth of your baby. Or was the pain a very intense focus for you? Your body went thru alot of chemical changes etc. But you also experienced some incredible pain that had a very distinct um pleasure to them... Just some random thoughts.



_____________________________

Knight of Mists

(in reply to jadenth)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/26/2006 4:26:17 AM   
mons


Posts: 225
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		knight

oh my i know of no woman who has even thought of the pain of child birth as even a little pleasure, oh when the baby comes the joy is something i think no man can even think of carrying it for nine months and the joy of having it , but the pain is let me see huh ok open you mouth wide as you can and then like a best firend run tow truck through it and leave it there for let me see mmmm oh like mine child birth hours 24 hours with just shot for pain then do it over and over again until you have that tow truck that is what it is like not even a pain person could stand it lol no pleasure there only whne that child is born

with labor and wishes

mons

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: is it wrong to feel this way? - 2/27/2006 7:19:25 AM   
krikket


Posts: 380
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jadenth

so here is my question: is it wrong to be turned on by something that is used as punishment, something that sends a worried chill up my spine when he just spells the word? is this my SAM side showing or is this a sign that i am deepening in my enjoyment of the more physical side of bdsm (ie the application of ice on the body, spankings, and other non intamate sensations)? should i explore the feelings more when my Master uses the particular punishment or is it no longer a punishment once i start to enjoy it?

i told my Master that i didn't want to tell Him exactly what i was thinking about since i was afraid He would no longer use that specific thing as punishment. i don't want this perticular thing to never happen again and i still think of it as a punishment, even if it is getting a slightly more intense responce under the surface than it did previously. i want to get opinions/advice about this before i talk with my Master about what i was thinking, though He will most likely read this posting and know exactly what punishment i am refering to. i welcome responces from the subs as well, since i bet some of them have felt this way themselves.

-jadenth


Hiya jadenth---

First, congrats on the baby -- as exhausting and frustrating as these times can be (for both of you), it truly is a special time i don't think many of us truly appreciate until just about the time they hit mid teens..lol.

i had 2 thoughts when i read your profile. The first is something i was taught a while ago..
"Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. It's what we do with them that can get us into trouble."

my second thought is that by not explaining all of this to your Master you might be selling him short which i know it's an easy thing to do. i found it was easy to think i "protecting" him by not letting him into my thoughts or sharing my feelings, or like in your case, that what i need/want/crave might be either withheld or used against me (and yeah, i know that last part wasn't particularly healthy thinking on my part). There were time i found it difficult to remember that his ownership of me included all of me (feelings and thoughts especially), and that i had to trust what he did with that knowledge.

Hormones can make this an especially difficult time, along with sleep deprivation, and having a new little Dom/me on the premises that you can't always understand. my one suggestion is to trust in Your Master and to cut yourself some slack (and to sleep when the baby sleeps..lol).

Good luck..and hugs
jimini

_____________________________

We could learn a lot from crayons: Some are sharp, some pretty, some dull, or have weird names, and all are different colors, but all have to learn to live in the same box.

Cor ad cor loquitur (Heart speaks to heart)


(in reply to jadenth)
Profile   Post #: 20
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